If I had a biblical name it would be Doubting Tomasita. I doubt and doubt and doubt. Even when I know that I KNOW, you know? I just never have the full confidence that I wish I had, that I pray for. I know God loves me anyway and I bet he has a great sense of humor because when I doubt, He doesn't stop talking to me, He doesn't turn away from me, He gently reminds me. Gently speaks a little more clearly, finally (usually) using something I might say back into my own mind showing me that I do truly hear and understand. CRAZY!
I was praying last night and my heart was completely heavy. For so long a close and very dear friend of mine has had her heart set on a little one far far away. I thought for sure this little thing would be her daughter, but as time has passed, nothing has happened. She was waiting for the Lord to reveal to her husband that they should travel on this journey together. In my impatient mind, I wondered why her husband had yet to get the memo! But, I trusted God and she trusted God and together we just keep praying. I will have to admit that I have been getting a little discouraged since we have been praying for well over a year now and nothing really seems to have changed.
Lately, we have been crazy-busy. The kind that makes my head spin and makes me hard to live with. We are a few days / weeks from a placement of 2 to 4 more kids! That means I will have 6 to 8 kids very very soon. And those 2 to 4 kids are coming with baggage and not the kind that I can put in the closet. There is NO doubt in my mind that they will need every once of lovin' I can give them. Not to mention the 2 that I have now that need every once of love and the biological 2 that will get displaced...again. My family is going to have some growing pains as we fight for these precious little ones!!! I know it is coming so I am getting ready!
Ahhhh, now you see how easily I get distracted! So my prayers for my dearest friend were short and sweet. Not as pleading as they had been. I didn't forget her, but I wasn't pouring out my heart in a way that I had. I felt terrible! How could I let her down, but I believe that it wasn't time...not time for the heart-wrenching, pleading prayers. Although, last night was different. She was placed on my heart in an urgent way. A way that had me before the Lord begging! And God spoke. He asked me to tell my friend, "It is time." Oh no. Me the disbeliever. I can't deliver that message! What if I made that up in my head? What if that was the enemy set out to trick me and through me trick her??? OH NO! I prayed. PLEASE GOD PLEASE confirm to me what you are saying. I confessed my disbelief, I showed my weakness to being tricked. Even when He gave me a glimpse of confirmation in a book I was reading, (It was a short part of the book that seemed out of character for the book that was directly related to the last conversation I had had with my friend.) I still doubted. Because that confirmation didn't seem enough. I struggled. Do I tell her? I prayed more and it seemed that God was telling me that I was only hearing Him CONFIRM something she already knew. He was JUST using me to confirm what HE was telling her...
So, I stepped out in the weakest, lamest, most pathetic faith I could muster up and the conversation started something like this: "OK, so I was praying and I know that I can be easily tricked and I know that the enemy could totally use this, and I know I have such week faith that I might even have just made this up but..." And i think my friend was laughing just a little..."I think God wants me to tell you something, but I think it is just confirming something you already know, so if it isn't, then just ignore it because you know how this could be and I don't want to speak for God..."
I finally spit it out and she laughed. Indeed I was confirming something she already knew. God had been prompting her to get started for about 3 days and she had doubts and she had problems and they were tired. She had prayed that God would show her specifically when it was time to get started! I think it is "time!"
It is beyond me why God would allow me to be part of His plan. I just can't believe that the God of the universe would use me...doubting, unfaithful, insecure, unsure, questioning, and sinful? Why? I can't possible ever understand the answer, but I am so thankful. I knew I needed to write this. God has been giving me so much lately that I want to write down, but this was a treasured piece. I special gift that I just can't risk losing. I need to remember to always think back on the times God speaks. To help me in my times of doubt and faithlessness. To God be the GLORY!
