On Katie's birthday, we got "the call." (again) This time it was for a 10 month old little girl and a 3 (almost 4) year old little guy. I was so excited! We had to wait almost a week to meet them! UG! Finally, we met them and had the disclosure meeting. We even set up a plan for the transition into our home. Then we had Thanksgiving...The transition was going nicely, the kids were excited. I even bought a couple of Christmas gifts and started getting the rooms ready. I was more excited because I had just rearranged the rooms so that they would be perfect for these two (and that was before I even knew about them!) We. Were. So. Excited!!! (BUT! I was still a bit guarded.)
When we got the call, I just didn't "feel it." I know, I know...you are probably thinking that I was guarding my heart because of Mattie. That is exactly what I told myself! The thing is: I really love kids. All kids. So, I really loved these kids too! They are so super cute, and very sweet. The darling little girl didn't cry and the little guy was so very shy. My heart melted! When we met them, my mind went over all the reasons that they would be a perfect fit for our family. They really would! But, we left the meeting and I had a pit in my stomach. Mattie. I was sure that was it. The social workers said that this was going to be a higher risk placement. That things were looking positive for an adoption, but that it wasn't a sure thing yet. The bio-mom was trying really hard, but she was probably just not capable of parenting them. My heart broke for her and for her little guy who misses her terribly.
We had our visits, but I just didn't "feel" it. Did I mention how awesome these kids are?? LOVE them. I just don't want you to think the kids weren't great! I connected to them after the first visit. I just couldn't wrap my mind around them as my kids. I had a million excuses.
Thankfully, on the drive home, I decided to pray. Kevin even asked me if I was sure that this is what I think God has for us. I was sure...that God has adoption for us...but was I sure this exact situation? I just knew God had asked me to say, " yes" and trust Him. So, I said, "yes."
I knew there was a court date today. I didn't believe anything would be decided or that anything would change. (No one really thought that there would be any change at all. It was just a standard hearing that bio-mom was protesting some recommendations by the social worker.) I prayed specifically that I would get an answer today. I prayed fervently the first day, then as the days went by, I prayed as it came to my mind (often) and I continued to pray even until today (although it came to my mind less and less.)
Kevin called. Social Worker said that the judge made a ruling today that is going to reunify the little guy. That means that the baby will also reunify at some point. Social Worker doesn't think this is a permanent decision and that the bio-mom probably won't be able to parent, but that it is going to be a very long process with lots of transitions. I wasn't surprised. I know that since I am writing this now, it seems easy to see the path - more like a well lit freeway, but I did see those dim lights that are now so bright in the rear-view mirror! There were hints with Mattie too. I just chose to ignore them. This time I listened. Not just as a pessimist, but as someone who was looking. Maybe, maybe it was because of Mattie that I chose to see what God had laid before me. Maybe that is one of the many blessings I have from the time she was with us.
God. Amazing. Comforting. Protecting. Answering. He knew. He showed me. I wasn't listening very carefully and yet I was still able to have a foreshadowing of what was to come. I don't believe God shows me the future, but I know He guards my heart and gives me some hints of what is to come when He feels that I could use it. He is so good. We got a call for a little guy right before we got the call for our first adoption. We just knew that the first little guy wasn't supposed to be ours. We would have LOVED him! (I DO love him, since my friend ended up adopting him!) It is funny how eager God is to participate with us. It never ceases to amaze me that He would be interested in each little detail. But He is! I asked for something. It would have been completely understandable if I didn't get an answer today. He didn't need to tell me anything. But He did. He did just as I asked because He loves me that much. He did, probably because He knew even better than me what I needed to know and when. God's love abounds. Knowing this, it is easier to go back to waiting. Knowing HIS perfect timing is just not yet.
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