Me - "Yeah, I am planning to go."
The next day, I got an email that read: Ok, Sandi will be there and she will be in charge. Remind her about the calendars in case she forgets.
Hmmm. That wasn't exactly what I meant when I said I would "be there." I was just going to show up.
That was Wednesday. The day my 13 year old, special needs, foster daughter decided to scream at me about the babysitter I had hired. Spewing ugly, hateful words. Which, unfortunately, since that babysitter hadn't been available, I got to listen to for 2 hours while going to pick up the foster baby from his parent visit. Needless to say, I didn't remember the calendars, showed up about an hour and a half late and did everything in my power to keep from crying through the whole evening.
Today
I stayed up until 3 am last night trying to find a solution to the aggressive anger my foster daughter is displaying. (Actually, was done by 2 but then the foster baby woke for his bottle) Up at 6 for my oldest son to get to his Monday morning bible study. 3 hours of sleep was not enough. At 9 my sister showed up. All the kids at home were still asleep and I was still hoping for a short nap if the baby would go to sleep. She offered to stay and let me sleep. That sleep put me late for the psychiatrist appointment we had today at 1.
In the apparent chaos that is my life, I am getting a very clear picture of the Lord at work. I never understood how He was in every little thing. I know He is in the things that "happen," but what about when things don't happen? It's Him. He is there in the lack of action too! These two days were perfect examples of it.
Wednesday, I felt very frustrated about being the one left in charge for 2 reasons. First, I had prayed for a very long time and felt it was not my duty to promote Orphan Care at the church right now. I am supposed to do many things to make it happen as it is written in His Word, but this particular part is not what I am called to do. Also, I had said many times that I am not able to commit right now to "run" anything due to our family dynamics. We still need more time to adjust before I can commit. (Maybe why I am not called to promote anything right now?) The fact that the melt down happened that day in such a fierce way actually worked in my favor to show that I truly can't commit to running things and also physically kept me from doing what God had showed me not to do. Since I arrived late, I was able to get emotional support from both a close friend and our pastor.
Then today, although I should have been more responsible to be there on time, because I wasn't, I was also blessed tremendously. In fact, as I was on my way, I prayed that God would work a miracle to get me there on time. I remembered the blog post I wrote about how HE can literally do anything and this time I DIDN'T doubt! AT! ALL! Once I was late and realized that God was not going to bring me to the office on time, I called to tell them I was late, but as I dialed the phone, a peace came over me and I knew it was for the best. I almost wanted to say, "I know I am late, but it is going to be better because there is something that is going to work out better than if I were there on time..." Of course I didn't say that, I just groveled. They said that their 2 O'Clock just cancelled and I thought "Of course" and then the therapist suggested we have a "quick check in" since we have a little extra time now. "Of course." So, after an incredibly difficult week with my foster daughter, we not only got to have the psychiatrist appointment, but we also got extra time with her therapist! It just so happens that the person coordinating all of the services also was free during that time to check in as well. I don't think I would have been surprised if Santa rode in on a unicorn! It was that unreal and yet that completely real at the same time.
And...I don't want to forget that just when I thought I would throw up from lack of sleep, with the possibility of sleep quickly slipping away and the fear of a long drive on no sleep, my sister "stops by" and sends me back to bed. That would have been enough for a memorial box Monday!
Only in my weakness and failure can God do such big things. I am not purposely trying to mess up to see God rescue me, but when I have given my all, cried and ached and grew weary, God rescued me. Out of my mistakes and into His embrace, out of my chaos and into His comfort. Only through Him.
