When I Just Don't Get It

I need to write this down to keep my focus purely on God and not on the heartbreak of the situation.  I know God has been in this from the beginning, seeing us through, step-by-step.  I just need to remember.  After that, I need to give God the Glory for all things, even the hard ones as He draws me closer to Him.

The move was completely orchestrated by the Lord.  No Doubt!  Once we moved, I prayed.  I asked for confirmation that we were supposed to use this home to take in more children.  I felt that we were on the right track.

The adoption.  We have been called to care for the fatherless.  We have no doubt that adoption is our calling and our service to the Lord.  We began the process and God saw us through all of the busyness and chaos that ensued.  We were ready and waiting. 

As we waited, the Lord placed on my heart 3 little kids, one with special needs.  I had looked at them a million times and all of a sudden they caught my heart.  I realized that adopting them was practically impossible, but I began to pray about why God would bring them to my attention.  At the same time, I had been discussing with Kevin about our "parameters" for this next adoption.  We both felt that we were supposed to let go of our preconceived ideas and the next conversation we had with the social worker was about stepping outside our comfort zone and being open to a "high risk" adoption.  I agreed instantly, knowing that I had been prepared for that question.  My next thought was, "what are you going to bring to me Lord?"

My friend was placed with a foster baby with FAS.  I loved that baby and found she was available for adoption.  My thought:  "Is this my daughter?"  After praying about it, I really felt she wasn't meant for our family.  And it seems she wasn't, but I wondered how God was using this to prepare me.  I came to the conclusion that whatever call we got was going to be outside of what we were thinking and that I needed to be prepared.  I assumed that meant a larger sibling group with possible older children or maybe a child or two with a special need.  I felt that God was definitely stretching me and asking me to trust Him.

We got the call the day after our licence came in the mail.  We were asked if we were interested in a 2 week old baby girl who was abandoned by her bio-mom and had a potential bio-dad who would be doing a DNA test.  I agreed.  I knew that we were going to be called for something I didn't expect and I absolutely completely and totally didn't expect this.  In fact this was the last possible scenario I had ever imagined. 

She is beautiful.  How was it that God thought so highly of me that he would bless me with this beautiful and wonderful gift.  The first few sleepless nights were torture, but I was rewarded with her baby-ness.  We fell in love with her instantly.  I never could wrap my mind around why God would have me serve in this way, but I felt completely blessed.  I know God was in this and when I said yes, it was a yes to him, not her.  I loved the idea of a baby, but had I had more time (and had not been driving around) I would have said no.  I would have said no for so many reasons:  I didn't really want a baby, EVERYONE wants a baby - so she should go to a family who wants just one baby, I don't want to do this high of a risk...etc.  But, I said yes and I said yes to God.

We found her biological father.  He wants her.  I had to take her for DNA testing on Wed. and we should know for sure in a week or so, but I saw his picture and it is her father.  She looks just like him.  He looks like a nice man.  I am so sad to lose her. I really wanted her to be my daughter, but I never want to take someone else's child.  My goal is to care for orphans and if he is her father (he is) then she isn't an orphan.  I am so sad. I was angry with God and I really don't want to do this again.  I am pleading with Him that I don't have to.  I know that when I said yes to Him, there were no promises, but like my typical self, I saw it as a sign that we were going to get a baby.  God never made that promise to me and I believe I have done the work he has asked me to do.  I am thankful for the time I have with her and I am thankful that she has a family who wants her.  I am not happy about going through this process, but I trust that God has good in it that I may not get to see.  When I first talked to Kevin about picking her up, I said, "Either God is in this or He isn't.  If He is, then we are doing the right thing.  If He isn't, then forget this, let's book a vacation."  I trust that God is in this now as much as He was then and if He is, we are doing the right thing.  God's grace is enough.  He is bringing me to my knees.  But, in my weakness He is strong, and I abide in Him.