Praying again for knowledge, for direction, for how much of my input I give to this situation. I ask Kevin and he replies that we wait and trust the Lord.
"But what if we have to go through that again?" I ask!
"Then we go through that again. Are you saying that you would say 'no' if you think God is asking you to do something?" Kevin had a ready reply.
UG! Of course I am not going to say no. That is the problem. My sneaky self tries to find a way to control the situation so that I am not asked. I am afraid of being asked to do that hard thing.
God spoke. Again.and.Again.and.Again.
"Your ways are not My ways." "Lean not on your own understanding." "The beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord." Straight from HIS mouth in HIS Word.
I confessed my desire to control this situation and letting fear take the place of God's provision. God reminded me that HE was in control I heard it in the music, I heard it in a sermon, I heard it on a CD about God's GRACE! (I didn't expect to hear it there!!!) God has made it clear. He is the author of this story. I am privileged to be allowed a glimpse of His goodness.
I finally relinquished my battle and submitted my will to His, even with the knowledge that I may find what I need to do to be very hard. God, being the great, awesome, powerful, kind, thoughtful, and knowing God that He is gave me a gift. As I fretted about the next phone call that would bring the next placement whether I was ready or not, God brought the phone call. The call that said we would not be placed until after the rest of our adoption paperwork was done (a new rule in this process) and that the placement wouldn't come unless it went through our adoption worker (who intimately knows what our hopes are!) If the call about Mattie came today, we wouldn't have been placed with her. (I am so totally sure God needed us to care for her!) I feel like as soon as I let go, God showed me how He was controlling this situation all along. What an awesome and loving God we serve. He didn't have to show me any of this. He could have let me believe that any minute we could get a call and be back on that same roller coaster but through His grace and mercy, he shared a bit of information that gave me such peace. In the words of our social worker, "That was a great thing you guys were willing to do, but I think it's time to get you some keepers!" God never promised things wouldn't be hard. But the hard things aren't nearly as hard when you relinquish your will to His and allow Him to work all things for His glory. (I will talk about "hard" later - because reading "it is hard" and living "it is hard" are really two very different things),
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5,6
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