Fighting, war, combat, conflict, battle, strategy. These are the things in our life. Sometimes the battle is upfront and visible, sometimes we are battling the unseen powers of darkness. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
Is it any wonder that my kids are acting up? Is it any wonder that I am getting distracted. The enemy of our souls isn't dumb. He didn't just come into this world. His practices have been around for generations! It isn't any wonder that he finds our weakness. As we battle for the orphans, for our family and for others in the process, it is no wonder that we are coming under attack. We MUST be doing something RIGHT!
Two battles are in progress. The battles will be won, but we have to keep an eternal focus. First: The battle for the hearts of my kids. They are struggling and hurting with the loss of the baby. They don't want to continue on this painful journey and experience that pain again, but they can't help the pull they feel toward bringing in another orphan who has nothing and no one. They have a desire to bring another brother or sister to Christ. So, although it is painful and although it is scary, they persevere in the adoption process along with us. Their behavior is hard sometimes for all of us, but it is their way of working through it. I need to remember that. The second battle is the one that is the toughest for me: Control. With the loss of little Mattie, my heart aches. Oh how I loved having a baby again! I love her, and I am glad she is not an orphan, but I miss having a little baby. The chances of us being placed with a baby are so slim. I realize that we might not get the privilege of having another one. BUT! I have resolved a health issue that may have kept me from being able to carry a baby to term. I know I am able to have a baby and I am pretty confident that I could have another biological child. If I have any problems, I am very confident that medical intervention would solve that problem. I am sure this is a very powerful distraction from my enemy. He would love to use the resources I have to chase after a biological baby instead of bringing in a child who needs care now. He would love for me to ignore the kids that are dying. This post is NOT for everyone. This is only what God has in MY life. I am confident that we were done having biological children. I am confident that was from God. Babies were not even something I was seeking until Mattie came along. I have to keep my eyes focused on the eternal mission God has given me. The mission of bringing in orphans and giving them a family. I am praying, just in case God has another plan for me, but for now, I believe we are on the right track.
The battle will be won. The eternal focus will help me battle the struggles in my heart, but God's power will do the rest. I lay it all before Him, relying on Him to win it for me. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. Ephesians 1:18-21
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Our Goodbye Letter to Mattie
Our Sweet Little Girl,
We were so blessed to have you in our lives, even if it was for such a short time. We believe that you have an amazing story and I am thankful we were part of it!
I want you to know how I have seen God work already in your wonderful little life. You were a surprise! I don’t know how your mom came to make the decisions she made, but I am thankful she decided to grow you in her belly and find people to care for you once you were born! I am also thankful that your daddy was able to find you and that he had a passion for you from the start!
While you were growing in your mommy’s belly, we were planning on having more children come into our family. We wanted to take care of someone that didn’t have a mommy or daddy to take care of them. We had to do a lot of work and talk to a lot of Social Workers. During this, we prayed every day that God would place just the right person or people in our family. We had been feeling like we were supposed to talk to the social workers about some ideas God had been placing in our hearts. At first, we only wanted to have a child who was already ready to be adopted. That might have meant that a child would probably have to live in more than one place before joining our family. One the same day, we both felt like we were supposed to offer our home to someone who is still trying to find their biological family. The very next day, the social worker asked us if we would be willing to do JUST THAT! Of course, we said yes. Then, we were worried about taking care of children who might have special needs; Which meant that we had to know that child’s full background before we agreed to bring him or her into our home. We had prayed again, still feeling God’s gentle pulling that something wasn’t right and we came together during a discussion agreeing that we do NOT need to know about the background of a child. If there was a child who needed a home, we had a home for that child. About a week later we got a call about you!
If we had gotten the call any sooner, we might have said no and missed the wonderful blessing that you are! We were told that we might get to adopt you, but that you might have a daddy who was looking for you! We prayed every day that we could adopt you, but that if you had a daddy who was looking for you, that he would be able to find you and care for you forever! We are so thankful that you have a daddy who fought for you and who will take care of you forever! We didn’t know a thing about you, so if we got the call earlier, we might have been worried. How would we know you were so very PERFECT!!! Just a wonderful and beautiful baby girl. Because we didn’t know if anyone had taken care of you, we were extra careful to make sure you were well cared for. We made sure you were monitored at all times. One night, the alarm on your monitor went off that meant you hadn’t been breathing. I jumped up and picked you up right away. You were fine, but I was so thankful for that monitor. I will never know why God chose us to care for you while your daddy was fighting for you, maybe it was just for that one night with the monitor to keep you alive or maybe it was to give you lots of love and care to help you grow until you could go home forever.
For whatever reason He chose, we are thankful that God placed you in our lives. I pray that you and your daddy will enjoy each other. I know your family is going to love you. Forever, I hope you know how much we love you and pray for you. I know that you are very important to God for all of these things to have happened. I hope you know how special you are!
We were so blessed to have you in our lives, even if it was for such a short time. We believe that you have an amazing story and I am thankful we were part of it!
I want you to know how I have seen God work already in your wonderful little life. You were a surprise! I don’t know how your mom came to make the decisions she made, but I am thankful she decided to grow you in her belly and find people to care for you once you were born! I am also thankful that your daddy was able to find you and that he had a passion for you from the start!
While you were growing in your mommy’s belly, we were planning on having more children come into our family. We wanted to take care of someone that didn’t have a mommy or daddy to take care of them. We had to do a lot of work and talk to a lot of Social Workers. During this, we prayed every day that God would place just the right person or people in our family. We had been feeling like we were supposed to talk to the social workers about some ideas God had been placing in our hearts. At first, we only wanted to have a child who was already ready to be adopted. That might have meant that a child would probably have to live in more than one place before joining our family. One the same day, we both felt like we were supposed to offer our home to someone who is still trying to find their biological family. The very next day, the social worker asked us if we would be willing to do JUST THAT! Of course, we said yes. Then, we were worried about taking care of children who might have special needs; Which meant that we had to know that child’s full background before we agreed to bring him or her into our home. We had prayed again, still feeling God’s gentle pulling that something wasn’t right and we came together during a discussion agreeing that we do NOT need to know about the background of a child. If there was a child who needed a home, we had a home for that child. About a week later we got a call about you!
If we had gotten the call any sooner, we might have said no and missed the wonderful blessing that you are! We were told that we might get to adopt you, but that you might have a daddy who was looking for you! We prayed every day that we could adopt you, but that if you had a daddy who was looking for you, that he would be able to find you and care for you forever! We are so thankful that you have a daddy who fought for you and who will take care of you forever! We didn’t know a thing about you, so if we got the call earlier, we might have been worried. How would we know you were so very PERFECT!!! Just a wonderful and beautiful baby girl. Because we didn’t know if anyone had taken care of you, we were extra careful to make sure you were well cared for. We made sure you were monitored at all times. One night, the alarm on your monitor went off that meant you hadn’t been breathing. I jumped up and picked you up right away. You were fine, but I was so thankful for that monitor. I will never know why God chose us to care for you while your daddy was fighting for you, maybe it was just for that one night with the monitor to keep you alive or maybe it was to give you lots of love and care to help you grow until you could go home forever.
For whatever reason He chose, we are thankful that God placed you in our lives. I pray that you and your daddy will enjoy each other. I know your family is going to love you. Forever, I hope you know how much we love you and pray for you. I know that you are very important to God for all of these things to have happened. I hope you know how special you are!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Mattie
What an awesome God we serve! And, what a difference a day makes. I realize that when I am focused on myself, my desires, my pain, all I see are those things. If I am focused on the Lord, He gives me the gift of seeing beyond those things into His perfect will. Those things are not taken from me, but they are made perfect in His plan. How wonderful and special I must be for Him to work in my life like this.
I got to spend time with my little girl's daddy today. He is such a nice person who loves his daughter beyond belief. I was considering that God gifts us with the children in our lives, but never promises to give us the number of days we will spend with them. We believe that we, as parents, should be the ones to go first, leaving our children to inherit the world. But! God has never made that promise. God has given me the time with my tiny one as a gift to me for the time I have had her and even though it was short, it was a special time. He has also given me the gift of presenting her to a loving father who wants her more than anything and loves her beyond measure. It is so much easier to surrender her to a loving father than one who would not care for her as much as I do. And that is where God showed His face to me again. Isn't it wonderful that we are gifting our children back to the One Father who loves them beyond measure? Beyond any love I could ever give? Why God has blessed me so much in showing this to me is beyond what I can understand, but I am so thankful.
She looked at me tonight with big round beautiful eyes. Fully expecting a response from me. Never doubting that I will meet every need. She coos and smiles, completely helpless and trusting. No possible way of surviving without my care and no way to love without my love, but always sure that I will be there. I want to look at God just like that. Never doubting. Never having the thought enter my mind that He won't be the provider. My first love.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 (It is fitting that her name is Maddie - but I had changed the spelling to Mattie so that her name reflected Matthew!)
I got to spend time with my little girl's daddy today. He is such a nice person who loves his daughter beyond belief. I was considering that God gifts us with the children in our lives, but never promises to give us the number of days we will spend with them. We believe that we, as parents, should be the ones to go first, leaving our children to inherit the world. But! God has never made that promise. God has given me the time with my tiny one as a gift to me for the time I have had her and even though it was short, it was a special time. He has also given me the gift of presenting her to a loving father who wants her more than anything and loves her beyond measure. It is so much easier to surrender her to a loving father than one who would not care for her as much as I do. And that is where God showed His face to me again. Isn't it wonderful that we are gifting our children back to the One Father who loves them beyond measure? Beyond any love I could ever give? Why God has blessed me so much in showing this to me is beyond what I can understand, but I am so thankful.
She looked at me tonight with big round beautiful eyes. Fully expecting a response from me. Never doubting that I will meet every need. She coos and smiles, completely helpless and trusting. No possible way of surviving without my care and no way to love without my love, but always sure that I will be there. I want to look at God just like that. Never doubting. Never having the thought enter my mind that He won't be the provider. My first love.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 (It is fitting that her name is Maddie - but I had changed the spelling to Mattie so that her name reflected Matthew!)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Not My Will But YOURS
I have had hard birthdays in the past. My 18th, I lit my hair on fire. My 21st, my husband worked a 24 hour shift. My 35th kicked off a year of an unexplained illness and huge medical bills. 41, however, might be the hardest of them all.
How am I supposed to feel? The child of my heart is not an orphan. She has a father who loves her and wants her. We now are able to take in another true orphan or maybe more than one. She has only been with us for a month and a half. We knew her father might be out there and I like him.
Why is it then, that on my birthday this year, we go to court to hear the judge rule that she is placed in his arms forever. His daughter will go home with him. I should celebrate that she is loved and wanted. I know I should be thankful, but my heart aches for the loss for our family. She quickly has snuggled her little self into our lives and hearts and the loss will be real.
I am looking, still, for the ram in the thicket. (Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. Gen 22:13) The last ditch hope that God will take this from me. I know that it is unlikely. I look for the hope that is in Him that through this both my little girl and her daddy will come to know my Daddy and we can have an eternal reunion. Will it be that by our sacrifice they will both be saved? My selfish will would be for her to remain in our family and enjoy an open adoption and good relationship with her dad and his family. So, I still glance around for the ram in the bush, the sacrifice God will deliver at the last minute to rescue me from the pain of the loss.
How am I supposed to feel? The child of my heart is not an orphan. She has a father who loves her and wants her. We now are able to take in another true orphan or maybe more than one. She has only been with us for a month and a half. We knew her father might be out there and I like him.
Why is it then, that on my birthday this year, we go to court to hear the judge rule that she is placed in his arms forever. His daughter will go home with him. I should celebrate that she is loved and wanted. I know I should be thankful, but my heart aches for the loss for our family. She quickly has snuggled her little self into our lives and hearts and the loss will be real.
I am looking, still, for the ram in the thicket. (Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. Gen 22:13) The last ditch hope that God will take this from me. I know that it is unlikely. I look for the hope that is in Him that through this both my little girl and her daddy will come to know my Daddy and we can have an eternal reunion. Will it be that by our sacrifice they will both be saved? My selfish will would be for her to remain in our family and enjoy an open adoption and good relationship with her dad and his family. So, I still glance around for the ram in the bush, the sacrifice God will deliver at the last minute to rescue me from the pain of the loss.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42
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