Not My Will But YOURS

I have had hard birthdays in the past.  My 18th,  I lit my hair on fire.  My 21st, my husband worked a 24 hour shift.  My 35th kicked off a year of an unexplained illness and huge medical bills.  41, however, might be the hardest of them all.

How am I supposed to feel?  The child of my heart is not an orphan.  She has a father who loves her and wants her.  We now are able to take in another true orphan or maybe more than one.  She has only been with us for a month and a half.  We knew her father might be out there and I like him.

Why is it then, that on my birthday this year, we go to court to hear the judge rule that she is placed in his arms forever.  His daughter will go home with him.  I should celebrate that she is loved and wanted.  I know I should be thankful, but my heart aches for the loss for our family.  She quickly has snuggled her little self into our lives and hearts and the loss will be real.

I am looking, still, for the ram in the thicket. (Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.  Gen 22:13)  The last ditch hope that God will take this from me.  I know that it is unlikely. I look for the hope that is in Him that through this both my little girl and her daddy will come to know my Daddy and we can have an eternal reunion. Will it be that by our sacrifice they will both be saved?    My selfish will would be for her to remain in our family and enjoy an open adoption and good relationship with her dad and his family.  So, I still glance around for the ram in the bush, the sacrifice God will deliver at the last minute to rescue me from the pain of the loss.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 

Luke 22:42