Devil's Advocate (duplicate post from Adoption Blog)

Nausea returned, as my hands started shaking.  I realized that I should have had more than a Diet Pepsi before trying to take on this meeting.  I alternated between hot and cold and my fingers were tingling.  As I left the Doctor’s office and walked the very short distance between the two buildings, my ears began ringing and the intensity of my discomfort increased.  I realized I was physically not going to be able to get through this on my own.  I started to pray.  I silently called out to God asking Him to help.  I had been praying, off and on, but now I was pleading.  I had no idea how to face the person who put this tiny baby I was carrying though so much agony.  It was HER fault he struggled to eat, HER fault that he would have learning delays, and HER fault that he would never have the perfect family that God intended.  I prayed. I needed God to touch my heart and quick.  I was going to see her in just minutes.   I was 5 minutes late.

Thankfully, God always answers.   As I walked, God quietly spoke, “I love her too.”  The words struck a cord and I was convicted.  I (in my sin) DIDN’T love her too.  I didn’t love her at all.  I placed all the blame right at her feet and never considered her worthy of love and forgiveness.  Then, God reminded me, “I loved her first.”  In God’s eyes, our precious little peanut was no more important than his mom. (I am reminded of the Prodigal Son in Luke)  SHE is loved by him.  SHE is important to Him!  A few feet from the door, the door I would walk through and see her for the first time, my heart melted.  I felt so much love for her.  Only the love that God the Father can give.  I was completely humbled that God chose to overlook my sins and is offering her the same.  I was convicted for thinking that the problems of this person are any more horrible in the sight of God than the things I have done.  Who was I to judge her?  I started to pray again.  I asked for forgiveness for my hardened heart and felt forgiven.  I asked for a sensitive heart for her so that I would be able to pray for her and all that she is going through and God answered.

I can’t pretend to know what has brought her to this place, or what it is going to take to help her get to a place that she is healthy and can be a mother to her son.  I know that after meeting her and the father of the baby, I pray constantly for their struggles.  They are greatly loved by God and I know He has amazing plans for them and for their lives as a family.  I do all I can to show them the love of God and share about Jesus’ transforming strength. 

Our society likes labels:   Good Guys and Bad Guys.  Victim and Perpetrator.  Friend and Enemy.  I see now that we have only one enemy and that is the enemy of our soul who seeks to destroy families.  This mom, who I saw as the enemy is really a victim of the real enemy.  She is not the devil, she is his prey.  I will continue to bring her to the Lord in PRAY – ER!!!!  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10

Shoes - God's Consistent Provision

It seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Basketball season was coming to a close and it had not gone well.  AT. ALL.  

Track seemed like a great idea, he can really jump!  But.  He's never tried it.  He is completely dedicated to basketball.

When he agreed to try it - just for the season - we were all excited - until...

SHOES!  Ug!  The week before the track meet, we realize he needs track shoes.  Seriously???  Of course he does.  I can't think of a single thing this poor kid does that doesn't require a new pair of shoes.  The week's schedule was already full.  Overflowing, really.  If the shoe store was open 24 hours a day, we might be able to find something.  And, of course, it was too late to order something on-line.  Should I have been more prepared? Sure, if I he had committed to the team or if I had knowledge of the shoe situation, I might have been.  (MIGHT.)

Back story:  14, 13, 12, 6, 4, 3 mos.  Those are the ages of the kids in my house right now.  The baby is a foster baby who is visiting parents, social workers, Doctors and specialists.  The 13 year old is also new to our home and will hopefully be adopted.  She also has visits from social workers, psychiatrists, school counselors, psychologist, doctors, specialists, etc...We regularly have appointments daily.  Usually, more than one a day.  The 12, 6, and 5 year old are home-schooled.

I had no way to get him shoes.  The only possible time I had was the day before the meet.  I looked at shoes and realized that they may cost up to $100!  This used to be enough to derail me, but!  I am learning.  I am learning to trust in Him!  I knew that what needed to be done was beyond what I could control or do.  I couldn't guarantee that the shoes he wanted or needed would be in the stores, that they would have his size, or that we could afford them.  I had no way to control the schedule that was already set before me.  I simply looked for a time and decided I would do my best.  I never really considered what would happen if we didn't find the shoes, but I think I must have just figured that God would have something.  

And then it happened!  I got a text.  "Coach found shoes for me."  When I got to his school  he pulls out a pair of like-new condition - just the right size - perfect style - track shoes!!!  They were still in a box, still in a bag.  They were left in with the track supplies.  No one knew who they belong to and it appeared to all involved that they had been left in the track supplies from last year!  The coach said he was welcome to use them for this season. There is nothing too insignificant for our God, nothing too difficult.  Just when it seems like it can't be done, HE DOES IT!  This just blows me away.

I think God had a special plan for this one.  My son has been struggling to experience God on his own.  He knows how God has provided shoes for him in the past and how God provided boots for Mari.  The fact that he got to experience this provision again, in this way made God feel very close and very real.  I think God was giving him an extra love that day and I got to be part of it too.  It is funny to me how God chooses to repeat things.  Probably just to get my attention.  I think my oldest may want to consider what his feet might be used for, since God is taking very good care of them!!!

"Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."  Jeremiah 32:17


Just in case you wanted to see how God has ministered to us using shoes in the past....look here and here

Lesson Continued. Still Not Wet!

And as is true with God...He is ever faithful.  Never changing.  Always the one to make concessions.  After writing the last post, I spent a bit of time sitting in a parking lot in front of Raleys talking with a very dear friend.  And, of course, what scripture did she share?  Oh yeah, the one about Peter.  Getting out of the boat.  Of course.

A few days later, she mentioned the scripture again saying, "I didn't even use that scripture in  my talk..."  The conversation continued, but I knew she had that scripture just for me.

I am so sure because right after that conversation.  Right after I realized that I might be asked to do "a Mattie" again.  Right after I knew that God was asking me to trust in Him NO. MATTER. WHAT.

We got the call.  Can we pick up a little boy?  By 5pm?  (Yeah, it was just after 4 pm.)  I had to make the decision that instant.  "Yes."  Yes we will open our hearts to another one who needs us.  I don't pretend to know how this will turn out.  I don't believe God has given me any promises regarding this child.  I only believe that He has asked me to do this in Trust - in Him.  The decision was easy.  Why would God need to teach me that lesson if He didn't expect me to apply it.

All I know right now, is that my answer to my God is YES.  I trust Him to do the rest.  And I am excited to see where it leads!  Look!  I am out of boat and standing in the rain!  NOT.  GETTING.  WET.

No way I am getting wet!

You know those time when hind-sight kinda kicks you in the tushie?

This was one of those.  I had a great argument.  I didn't win, but my argument was awesome!  You'll see...After we lost Mattie, I told Kevin I really didn't want to go through that again.  I said that we should call the social worker in the morning and reset our guidelines.  He said that he thought that we agreed that God asked us to say yes to taking in Mattie, so was I now going to say no if God called us to it again.  (At the time, I actually thought that sounded like a pretty darn good idea!)  I explained that the social system was in such need of foster parents that, unless we spoke up, we would be put in that position again - that it would no longer be about what God had specifically called us to!  I said, "If we don't say that we DON'T want to do this, we will do this by default.  It would be like going out in the rain and saying, 'if God doesn't want me to get wet, I won't...OF COURSE I am going to get wet!  I am out in the rain!'"  SEE?  That is a great argument.  I mean really good.  But.  Kevin won.  He pulled the trump card and asked, "Well, do you think God is asking us to do something different?"  UG!!!!  Nope.  No, I did not.  And, I had to honor my husband's wisdom.  I reluctantly agreed, but it was only until I waited for God to "show me that we are supposed to do something different."

Today.  I realized today the hole in my theory.  My argument was full of flaws.  How little is my faith??  Wow.  I realize today that God has asked me to walk right out into the rain, showing me that I won't get wet.  Not a single drop...not even a mist.  I will stay as dry as a bone.  I realized today that Peter was asked to get right out of that boat.  He wasn't going to drown, sink, or even need swim trunks! 

“Come,” he said.

   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”  Matthew 14:29-31

So what happened?  Well, the story in our adoption is far from over.  But the social worker did call and tell us that we were not supposed to have received the call for Mattie (but I know we were...God had a plan) and that we would not get any more calls unless they were screened by her.  As a matter of fact, she still had some things to complete for our adoption and we wouldn't get anymore calls until they were done.  Those things are almost done now.  She still has a few loose ends to tie up, but we are now somewhat expecting calls.  (obviously.)  What would God have us do?  Walk out...out of the boat or into the rain.  We won't get wet until we doubt.  I need to stop trusting in my own understanding and keep my eyes focused on Him.  ME!  Me of little faith!  Why do I doubt.  (Oh how the Lord speaks!)

He Lights My Path

On Katie's birthday, we got "the call." (again)  This time it was for a 10 month old little girl and a 3 (almost 4) year old little guy.  I was so excited! We had to wait almost a week to meet them!  UG!  Finally, we met them and had the disclosure meeting.  We even set up a plan for the transition into our home.  Then we had Thanksgiving...The transition was going nicely, the kids were excited.  I even bought a couple of Christmas gifts and started getting the rooms ready.  I was more excited because I had just rearranged the rooms so that they would be perfect for these two (and that was before I even knew about them!)  We. Were. So. Excited!!!  (BUT!  I was still a bit guarded.)

When we got the call, I just didn't "feel it."  I know, I know...you are probably thinking that I was guarding my heart because of Mattie.  That is exactly what I told myself!  The thing is:  I really love kids.  All kids.  So, I really loved these kids too!  They are so super cute, and very sweet.  The darling little girl didn't cry and the little guy was so very shy.  My heart melted!  When we met them, my mind went over all the reasons that they would be a perfect fit for our family.  They really would!  But, we left the meeting and I had a pit in my stomach.  Mattie.  I was sure that was it.  The social workers said that this was going to be a higher risk placement.  That things were looking positive for an adoption, but that it wasn't a sure thing yet.  The bio-mom was trying really hard, but she was probably just not capable of parenting them.  My heart broke for her and for her little guy who misses her terribly.

We had our visits, but I just didn't "feel" it.  Did I mention how awesome these kids are??  LOVE them.  I just don't want you to think the kids weren't great!  I connected to them after the first visit.  I just couldn't wrap my mind around them as my kids.  I had a million excuses.

Thankfully, on the drive home, I decided to pray.  Kevin even asked me if I was sure that this is what I think God has for us.  I was sure...that God has adoption for us...but was I sure this exact situation?  I just knew God had asked me to say, " yes" and trust Him.  So, I said, "yes."

I knew there was a court date today.  I didn't believe anything would be decided or that anything would change.  (No one really thought that there would be any change at all.  It was just a standard hearing that bio-mom was protesting some recommendations by the social worker.)  I prayed specifically that I would get an answer today.  I prayed fervently the first day, then as the days went by, I prayed as it came to my mind (often) and I continued to pray even until today (although it came to my mind less and less.)

Kevin called.  Social Worker said that the judge made a ruling today that is going to reunify the little guy.  That means that the baby will also reunify at some point.  Social Worker doesn't think this is a permanent decision and that the bio-mom probably won't be able to parent, but that it is going to be a very long process with lots of transitions.  I wasn't surprised.  I know that since I am writing this now, it seems easy to see the path - more like a well lit freeway, but I did see those dim lights that are now so bright in the rear-view mirror!  There were hints with Mattie too.  I just chose to ignore them.  This time I listened.  Not just as a pessimist, but as someone who was looking.  Maybe, maybe it was because of Mattie that I chose to see what God had laid before me.  Maybe that is one of the many blessings I have from the time she was with us.

God.  Amazing.  Comforting.  Protecting.  Answering.  He knew.  He showed me.  I wasn't listening very carefully and yet I was still able to have a foreshadowing of what was to come.  I don't believe God shows me the future, but I know He guards my heart and gives me some hints of what is to come when He feels that I could use it.  He is so good.  We got a call for a little guy right before we got the call for our first adoption.  We just knew that the first little guy wasn't supposed to be ours.  We would have LOVED him!  (I DO love him, since my friend ended up adopting him!)  It is funny how eager God is to participate with us.  It never ceases to amaze me that He would be interested in each little detail.  But He is!  I asked for something.  It would have been completely understandable if I didn't get an answer today. He didn't need to tell me anything.  But He did.  He did just as I asked because He loves me that much.  He did, probably because He knew even better than me what I needed to know and when.  God's love abounds.  Knowing this, it is easier to go back to waiting.  Knowing HIS perfect timing is just not yet.

Fasting

It has been a while since I took the time to fast. I like to let fasting be "God led," but I also know that I can easily ignore God's prompting if I get too busy.  So, last week I had just the tiniest inclination to fast for the day.  There was no real reason, but there were several small things.  After I had decided to spend that particular day fasting, a friend had asked for prayer.  I felt that it was a confirmation.

As I fasted and prayed throughout the day, my hungry tummy reminded me of the One who is the Provider of all!  As I was laying my burdens before Him and resting in His goodness.  I started to think and ponder the idea of prayer and fasting.  One thing I am sure of:  God is NOT a vending machine.  We do NOT input our requests, do a series of good deeds, and then have our desires met.  I know that the bible often talks of our faith being large enough to get what we want, and that we don't have because we do not ask.  (Matthew 17:20 and James 4:2-3) I am just not up for a theological discussion about this tonight, but I feel pretty safe to say that we are sure to get things we ask for when we ask for them with a faith that is aligned to God's will.  (Probably not for our own selfish desires - although, I have seen those prayers answered too...) 

Why fasting, then???  I was talking to God that day about money.  I had to spend some money on clothes for my little guy and I knew it was going to be expensive.  I knew what he needed and I went into the store with a pretty good idea of what that would all cost (if I was very careful).  When I was done, I spent 1/2 of what I thought.  Because I was fasting and praying about it (I know it might seem like a silly thing to pray about, but I believe there is nothing to small for God to care about) I realized that God did that!  God took care of my little problems, so that I can continue to trust Him for the big ones.  If I hadn't been fasting and praying, I would have missed the blessing of seeing His work in my life. 

Other prayers were answered that day and it seems He called me to fast the next day as well.  Once I set my mind and heart to listening to His leading, it seems I hear it much more clearly.  I don't believe that when I fast, God listens more, but I do believe that when I fast, I listen more!  One day, I am sure God will show me so much more about this system He put in place.  Hopefully, I will be listening!

His Name, Not in Vain

One more hour of sleep.  That's really all I wanted.  I knew I should get up because she would be disoriented in our home.  At 97 years old, everything new came with shock and confusion for her.  Everything seemed scary.  None of the current possibilities included the safe harbor of her home. 

One fall was all it took.  The knee went out and the medicine stopped the blood from clotting.  The hematoma grew and the worry set in.  The doctor's medicated.  The healing takes time.  Then another fall.  Middle of the night.  The medicine could be the problem.  One more night and one more fall and it was decided.  She comes here.  To our home.  "But you have your family" she argued.  "You are my family," we replied.  She convinced us of one more try.  Cousin stayed with her and all was well.  Then it happened again.  The final fall.  No one was going to hear her arguments now.  She was coming with us.  She gave no arguments.  She was ready. 

As we wait to take in another orphan (or orphan siblings), we are confronted with a widow.  We laugh. When God said to take care of the widows and orphans, we didn't know He meant "AT THE SAME TIME!"  As we chose to say, "yes" to grandma living in our home, we said, "yes" to God.  We took His name when He unselfishly gave it to us on the cross.  With His name, we knew that meant everything.  We took His name and said, "yes" to Him.  We may not have understood at the time what that would mean in our lives, but we are living His name.  We are completely blessed to be drawn closer to Him through those he calls "the least of these."  We do not deserve this honor and so many would miss the blessing, but for us, we did NOT take His name in vain.