On the way there, though...Emilio kept saying all the things that he "wanted to do". For example, he asked if we were going to the beach at the lake near our house, if we were bringing "daddy's boat," if we could just go to the McDonald's play area. It reminded us of when he first came to our house. He would ask to go many places every day. At first, I wondered if his foster parents had been the type to be on the go constantly, then my insecurities kicked in and I wondered if he was just very unhappy at our house.
It took me a long while to realize, that was just his little guy attempt at controlling some aspect of a life that had been completely and totally out of his control. He had been moved often and didn't have a permanent family (us) until he was almost 4. It is really sad to think about how that would feel. A few days later, we were on our way to my mom's house to have the "family" party and again, his stress was heightened. He asked if he was going to get presents there. When I answered, "Yes" he became very agitated and started guessing at what was in the presents he would receive. My parents bought him the camera he had been wanting and my sister's family got him 2 games - both Buzz Lightyear - his favorite! He guessed a few things, finally wondering if it were a toy tractor. I asked him to say, "I don't know what is in my presents." And, reluctantly, he agreed. It felt like a victory when he relaxed and stopped guessing, knowing that whatever he got would be good...great even!
It took me a long while to realize, that was just his little guy attempt at controlling some aspect of a life that had been completely and totally out of his control. He had been moved often and didn't have a permanent family (us) until he was almost 4. It is really sad to think about how that would feel. A few days later, we were on our way to my mom's house to have the "family" party and again, his stress was heightened. He asked if he was going to get presents there. When I answered, "Yes" he became very agitated and started guessing at what was in the presents he would receive. My parents bought him the camera he had been wanting and my sister's family got him 2 games - both Buzz Lightyear - his favorite! He guessed a few things, finally wondering if it were a toy tractor. I asked him to say, "I don't know what is in my presents." And, reluctantly, he agreed. It felt like a victory when he relaxed and stopped guessing, knowing that whatever he got would be good...great even!Struggling to understand Emilio has been tough, until I reflect on my own behavior, fears, and control issues! Oh how I am so much like my son! I spend so much time looking for the speck in his eye, that I am missing the giant plank in my own. I was praying about this and what a parallel! Starting with the way I go about handling they unknown. When we were on our way to the beach, Emilio was negotiating with us to go to places he knows and is comfortable. They were generally places that he had a nice time, but how much better was the beach! The sand, waves, sea shells, picnic lunch, etc...In my own life journey, I negotiate also, with GOD! I think, pray, ask, "God, I just ask for this, it is a good thing. Or can I please have that other great thing..." I ask for what I know, for what is comfortable, for what is safe to me. But God has something greater! He knows the ultimate destination. What He has planned is far better than anything I can ask for! When I feel like I have a need or want a blessing, I ask for that thing and when God says, "No." I am disappointed. I, like Emilio, beg to know what gift God has for me. Not wanting to wait to see the surprise. Missing the blessing of just resting in the knowledge that it won't be "good" it will be amazing! It will be just what I wanted, needed, hadn't even thought to ask for! That is our amazing God! I want to learn with my son to just say, "I don't know" and be able have excitement in knowing that the One who DOES know has my best interests at heart and is planning a surprise that is greater than I could ever imagine.
Putting all of this into practice is easier said than done. I relate so much to my little guy. We are legally maxed out in our home. Our rooms are filled so we have to move before we can bring home any more children. I am so eager to fill our house with kids who need a mom and dad. We can do that. The problem is that most homes, even ones that are 3000 square feet are not designed to have a large family. (OH YEAH, they are also super expensive.) We are trying to think outside the box a little and get creative with finding space.
I am so eager to get started, but somehow our efforts have been thwarted. In all of this, I realize that I haven't been seeking God's will again. Just my own. I am just like Emilio asking to go here and there, I am searching and searching the things I know, not waiting on the Lord to reveal to me HIS ideas of how this could happen.
I am so eager to get started, but somehow our efforts have been thwarted. In all of this, I realize that I haven't been seeking God's will again. Just my own. I am just like Emilio asking to go here and there, I am searching and searching the things I know, not waiting on the Lord to reveal to me HIS ideas of how this could happen. My prayer for today is: "Please God help me to stop telling You where I should go and what I should do. Please help me be ready to listen when You reveal Your plans for me and our family. Lord, please help me respond to You by being available to your people as it says in Proverbs 24:11-12 (The Message) Rescue the perishing; don't hesitate to step in and help. If you say, "hey, that's none of my business," will that get you off the hook? Someone is watching you closely, you know - Someone not impressed with weak excuses. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment