Afraid to Love

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close

To what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart 

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me 

Is where all start

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

God speaks to me through songs sometimes.  I have dedicated this particular song to our foster baby.  I knew God placed him in our arms and I know God will be with him as he goes through his life, even when I am not there, but that doesn't make it easier. 

I have been asked, "Don't you get attached?"  The answer is, "YES!!!"  I attach to an idea, even before there is a person involved.  I have yet to meet a foster parent who doesn't, but the work needs to be done.  So, when I feel the sadness and loss, I remember the lyrics to this song, knowing that I won't hold back.  Even though there is pain in the offering, I will offer generously because he is worth all of me.  He is God's child.

This precious child will go back to live with his parents and we will miss him.  I know it will be hard, and yet I also know it is to God's glory!  I talk to God a lot about this.  Through it all, God reminds me that my mistake is thinking that any of "my" kids belong to me.  They are His.  They belong to Him.  I am allowed the privileged of loving them for a time and the responsibility of teaching them about Him, but ultimately, they are His first and only.  He has given me the gift of time, more with some, and less with others.  He reminds me that this isn't new.  

He allows me to complain and tell him, "I can't do it!" while He whispers, "I know. I can."  He has brought people along side of me when I fail like He did with Moses and Aaron.  He shows me that even though a parent may have not been perfect, he can create beauty from the family like He did in Samuel's life with Eli.  I am reminded that I truly have to completely surrender all to gain all that is made perfect in Him.  They are His and in Him they are safe, no matter what the world may look like, they can be confident that He cares more than anyone about them.  I give them to Him.  It is only through complete surrender, that I can know the true face of God.

The Wedding

The dress, the flowers, the rings.  The images of the perfect wedding began dancing around in her head as a little girl.  She saw the princesses and imagined herself with her prince living happily ever after.  Long before the world steps in to show her that life is never going to be a fairy tale come true.

What she never imagined was fighting the control of the drug that will forever plague her, having to ask permission to marry the father of her child.  She never thought she would have a four hour pass to look for her dress and another pass to go to the court house for the wedding.

I never imagined that I would spend time shopping with a homeless drug addict.  Raising her child as she heals from her addiction.  I never imagined that I would find a way to budget a little better this month to be able to afford to buy her a wedding dress.

As my husband and I discussed the amount the dress would cost, we both knew it wasn't in our budget.  We talked about ways to make it work and knew that in the end it was God's money and we felt called to help in this way.  We would cut back.  After making the decision, worrying a little bit, and doing it anyway, we got a phone call.  At dinner time.

Annoyed, I answered the call.  It was Chase, reminding me of my "rewards points."  I explained that I like the retirement points, but my husband handles all of that.  My husbands was whispering that was the wrong card.  Embarrassed, I asked more questions.  It turned out that my "points" were worth exactly the amount of money I needed for the dress, undergarments, and shoes!

If the call had come any sooner, I would have missed it.  I would have been excited about the money, but I wouldn't have seen the connection.  We were able to receive a burden on our hearts from God, act, even when it was going to be tough for us, and then witness God's provision.  I have noticed this pattern in the past.  God asks me to obey and then shows me the provision.  I am so thankful that HE is always there to care for me.  I know this is not what I imagined, but I know that it is made perfect in Him.  HIS daughters, shopping for a wedding dress to honor His desire for this baby to have a family.  What beauty HE creates from the dust!

Annie has 3 teeth, 2 kids, and 8 toes - total.

Annie has 3 teeth, 2 kids, and 8 toes - total.  She is in her early 30s, but looks at least 15 years older.  She has had diabetes all her life and she recently moved.  To a battered women's shelter.

I met her after dropping the baby off for a visit with his parents.  She was visibly shaken and joined a conversation I was having with another foster mom.  She was very dissatisfied with the care her child was receiving in her foster home.  She said, "I didn't hurt my kids, do drugs, or drink.  The only reason I don't have my kids is because I had to have surgery on my feet and I had no one to take care of them.  Their dad couldn't do it..."

She shifted back and forth on her bandaged feet, restlessly looking for an answer. She needed to catch her bus back to the shelter, but she knew  her blood pressure was up and was worried about her diabetes.  I think she was reluctant to leave the hospital property.  She got the letter today that she will get an EBT card, but she doesn't have the card and the shelter only allows so much food.  She thought she would find a food closet tomorrow.

Because Annie is "in the system now," she has to wait to have her children returned to her care.  She had an appointment with the court, but her lawyer didn't show up.  The rescheduled and the lawyer who came was unfamiliar with her case.  It was postponed again until next week.  

One thing I admire about some of the "godly" people I know, is that they taught me:  do the thing that is in front of you.  Jesus said, "Whatever you do for the least of these..." Annie mentioned that she was able to get to a food bank in the morning so I picked up some groceries to get her though the night.   The most important thing, though, was that I shared with her about Safe Families.  If she could have had access to this organization, she would be with her kids today.  She would probably have had transportation to a food bank or even a few bags of groceries until her services kicked in...I am praying tonight that she is able to talk to someone there.  She will, undoubtedly, need help in the future.  She has NO support and serious medical issues.  If you think of Annie, would you join me in praying for her?  

Thank you.