Not My Will But YOURS

I have had hard birthdays in the past.  My 18th,  I lit my hair on fire.  My 21st, my husband worked a 24 hour shift.  My 35th kicked off a year of an unexplained illness and huge medical bills.  41, however, might be the hardest of them all.

How am I supposed to feel?  The child of my heart is not an orphan.  She has a father who loves her and wants her.  We now are able to take in another true orphan or maybe more than one.  She has only been with us for a month and a half.  We knew her father might be out there and I like him.

Why is it then, that on my birthday this year, we go to court to hear the judge rule that she is placed in his arms forever.  His daughter will go home with him.  I should celebrate that she is loved and wanted.  I know I should be thankful, but my heart aches for the loss for our family.  She quickly has snuggled her little self into our lives and hearts and the loss will be real.

I am looking, still, for the ram in the thicket. (Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.  Gen 22:13)  The last ditch hope that God will take this from me.  I know that it is unlikely. I look for the hope that is in Him that through this both my little girl and her daddy will come to know my Daddy and we can have an eternal reunion. Will it be that by our sacrifice they will both be saved?    My selfish will would be for her to remain in our family and enjoy an open adoption and good relationship with her dad and his family.  So, I still glance around for the ram in the bush, the sacrifice God will deliver at the last minute to rescue me from the pain of the loss.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." 

Luke 22:42

Conviction!

"I don't want to do this again." Is the common phrase coming out of my mouth lately.  I always say, "I will if God calls me, but I don't want to."  (Loosely translated:  I will do it with a bad attitude and a cold heart, but I'll do it.)  I say, "Send me Lord, Call me."  "I will do it."  "Not my will, Lord, but Yours."  But do I mean it?  Do I mean ANYTHING You call me to Lord?  Or, do I mean, anything that works in my perfect idea of what I want.  This placement and possible loss has been a real "heart-opener." I have had to truly examine what I am holding onto where God is concerned.  Then this verse:

Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62

Need I say more?

When I Just Don't Get It

I need to write this down to keep my focus purely on God and not on the heartbreak of the situation.  I know God has been in this from the beginning, seeing us through, step-by-step.  I just need to remember.  After that, I need to give God the Glory for all things, even the hard ones as He draws me closer to Him.

The move was completely orchestrated by the Lord.  No Doubt!  Once we moved, I prayed.  I asked for confirmation that we were supposed to use this home to take in more children.  I felt that we were on the right track.

The adoption.  We have been called to care for the fatherless.  We have no doubt that adoption is our calling and our service to the Lord.  We began the process and God saw us through all of the busyness and chaos that ensued.  We were ready and waiting. 

As we waited, the Lord placed on my heart 3 little kids, one with special needs.  I had looked at them a million times and all of a sudden they caught my heart.  I realized that adopting them was practically impossible, but I began to pray about why God would bring them to my attention.  At the same time, I had been discussing with Kevin about our "parameters" for this next adoption.  We both felt that we were supposed to let go of our preconceived ideas and the next conversation we had with the social worker was about stepping outside our comfort zone and being open to a "high risk" adoption.  I agreed instantly, knowing that I had been prepared for that question.  My next thought was, "what are you going to bring to me Lord?"

My friend was placed with a foster baby with FAS.  I loved that baby and found she was available for adoption.  My thought:  "Is this my daughter?"  After praying about it, I really felt she wasn't meant for our family.  And it seems she wasn't, but I wondered how God was using this to prepare me.  I came to the conclusion that whatever call we got was going to be outside of what we were thinking and that I needed to be prepared.  I assumed that meant a larger sibling group with possible older children or maybe a child or two with a special need.  I felt that God was definitely stretching me and asking me to trust Him.

We got the call the day after our licence came in the mail.  We were asked if we were interested in a 2 week old baby girl who was abandoned by her bio-mom and had a potential bio-dad who would be doing a DNA test.  I agreed.  I knew that we were going to be called for something I didn't expect and I absolutely completely and totally didn't expect this.  In fact this was the last possible scenario I had ever imagined. 

She is beautiful.  How was it that God thought so highly of me that he would bless me with this beautiful and wonderful gift.  The first few sleepless nights were torture, but I was rewarded with her baby-ness.  We fell in love with her instantly.  I never could wrap my mind around why God would have me serve in this way, but I felt completely blessed.  I know God was in this and when I said yes, it was a yes to him, not her.  I loved the idea of a baby, but had I had more time (and had not been driving around) I would have said no.  I would have said no for so many reasons:  I didn't really want a baby, EVERYONE wants a baby - so she should go to a family who wants just one baby, I don't want to do this high of a risk...etc.  But, I said yes and I said yes to God.

We found her biological father.  He wants her.  I had to take her for DNA testing on Wed. and we should know for sure in a week or so, but I saw his picture and it is her father.  She looks just like him.  He looks like a nice man.  I am so sad to lose her. I really wanted her to be my daughter, but I never want to take someone else's child.  My goal is to care for orphans and if he is her father (he is) then she isn't an orphan.  I am so sad. I was angry with God and I really don't want to do this again.  I am pleading with Him that I don't have to.  I know that when I said yes to Him, there were no promises, but like my typical self, I saw it as a sign that we were going to get a baby.  God never made that promise to me and I believe I have done the work he has asked me to do.  I am thankful for the time I have with her and I am thankful that she has a family who wants her.  I am not happy about going through this process, but I trust that God has good in it that I may not get to see.  When I first talked to Kevin about picking her up, I said, "Either God is in this or He isn't.  If He is, then we are doing the right thing.  If He isn't, then forget this, let's book a vacation."  I trust that God is in this now as much as He was then and if He is, we are doing the right thing.  God's grace is enough.  He is bringing me to my knees.  But, in my weakness He is strong, and I abide in Him.

What if:

I started writing this the other day, and truthfully, I was too tired for a coherent thought, so I think I deleted it.  Here is try number 2.  It also maybe incoherent, but I need to write it!

What if:  What if God doesn't do what you think He is doing.  What if the plan you saw unfolding crumbles and blows away.  What if you pack up and move waiting for God's direction only to find you are moving again?  What if you blindly follow God's prompting and never go anywhere.  What if all you are certain is God's purpose for your life changes in an instant and you find out you were wrong?

These are the questions that have been rolling through my mind lately.  My friend and I had been on a mission to pray for orphan care.  We followed His every (well many) promptings, listened quietly for His still small voice.  We were certain we were seeing His plan unfold and we had so much excitement, we were like giddy school girls.  We were wrong.  The plan we (or I) was so certain we saw playing out before us was not at all the plan God had in mind.  I was left with a feeling of doubt.  Was it God who I was hearing?  Was it my own longings placed on an impulsive being? or worse:  On an imagined being?  Thankfully, that is exactly the thoughts I had.  WHY THANKFULLY!?!  Because, those are NOT my thoughts.  Thankfully, those thoughts pointed to exactly the ONE who would want me to think those thoughts.  He who sneaks around waiting for an opportunity to plant that small seed of doubt, carefully tending it, watching it grow with sheer delight.  Thankfully, because the thoughts were so extreme, I caught them and placed them in front of the proper authority and they were sent away from me.  Unfortunately, I did still have those thoughts, but fortunately, they caused me to turn to God's Word.  That is when I realized I am thankful for the doubt because it caused me to dig.  Dig deeper for what God really wants me to know.  He says, "My ways are not your ways" (Isaiah 55:8)  His thoughts (thankfully) are not my thoughts either!  I am still left with not understanding why God has chosen to work in this way, but I understand now that His ways are not my ways and for whatever reason He has chosen to have this story told this way, it is they way it should be.  As I meditate on these things, I remember that I can ask Him.  I can ask and say, "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."  Psalm 25:4

Now, What if:  What if instead of moving me to the slums of another country, God moves me to another town in a gated community.  What if:  What if, after being prepared to totally open my options with regards to this next adoption, we are NOT placed with a sibling group of 4 with severe special needs, but only one infant.  If I am not suffering miserably, am I not doing His will?  That sneaky enemy is at it again, working in my thoughts to cause doubt and misdirection.  I am completely willing to do God's will, submitting to Him my own will and desires.  In the process, His gifts to me have been exceedingly more than I could ever hope for.  Only by being in God's Word would I have the strength to be in the place of His blessings.  Taking every thought captive and submitting them to Him.  I repeat:  "Show me your ways O Lord.  Teach me your paths.  Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior and my hope is in You all day long."

God Speaks

If I had a biblical name it would be Doubting Tomasita.  I doubt and doubt and doubt.  Even when I know that I KNOW, you know?  I just never have the full confidence that I wish I had, that I pray for.  I know God loves me anyway and I bet he has a great sense of humor because when I doubt, He doesn't stop talking to me, He doesn't turn away from me, He gently reminds me.  Gently speaks a little more clearly, finally (usually) using something I might say back into my own mind showing me that I do truly hear and understand.  CRAZY!

I was praying last night and my heart was completely heavy.  For so long a close and very dear friend of mine has had her heart set on a little one far far away.  I thought for sure this little thing would be her daughter, but as time has passed, nothing has happened.  She was waiting for the Lord to reveal to her husband that they should travel on this journey together.  In my impatient mind, I wondered why her husband had yet to get the memo!  But, I trusted God and she trusted God and together we just keep praying.  I will have to admit that I have been getting a little discouraged since we have been praying for well over a year now and nothing really seems to have changed. 

Lately, we have been crazy-busy.  The kind that makes my head spin and makes me hard to live with.  We are a few days / weeks from a placement of 2 to 4 more kids!  That means I will have 6 to 8 kids very very soon.  And those 2 to 4 kids are coming with baggage and not the kind that I can put in the closet.  There is NO doubt in my mind that they will need every once of lovin' I can give them.  Not to mention the 2 that I have now that need every once of love and the biological 2 that will get displaced...again.  My family is going to have some growing pains as we fight for these precious little ones!!!  I know it is coming so I am getting ready! 

Ahhhh, now you see how easily I get distracted!  So my prayers for my dearest friend were short and sweet.  Not as pleading as they had been.  I didn't forget her, but I wasn't pouring out my heart in a way that I had.  I felt terrible!  How could I let her down, but I believe that it wasn't time...not time for the heart-wrenching, pleading prayers.  Although, last night was different.  She was placed on my heart in an urgent way.  A way that had me before the Lord begging!  And God spoke.  He asked me to tell my friend, "It is time."  Oh no.  Me the disbeliever.  I can't deliver that message!  What if I made that up in my head?  What if that was the enemy set out to trick me and through me trick her???  OH NO!  I prayed.  PLEASE GOD PLEASE confirm to me what you are saying.  I confessed my disbelief, I showed my weakness to being tricked.  Even when He gave me a glimpse of confirmation in a book I was reading, (It was a short part of the book that seemed out of character for the book that was directly related to the last conversation I had had with my friend.) I still doubted.  Because that confirmation didn't seem enough.  I struggled.  Do I tell her?  I prayed more and it seemed that God was telling me that I was only hearing Him CONFIRM something she already knew.  He was JUST using me to confirm what HE was telling her...

So, I stepped out in the weakest, lamest, most pathetic faith I could muster up and the conversation started something like this:  "OK, so I was praying and I know that I can be easily tricked and I know that the enemy could totally use this, and I know I have such week faith that I might even have just made this up but..."  And i think my friend was laughing just a little..."I think God wants me to tell you something, but I think it is just confirming something you already know, so if it isn't, then just ignore it because you know how this could be and I don't want to speak for God..."

I finally spit it out and she laughed.  Indeed I was confirming something she already knew.  God had been prompting her to get started for about 3 days and she had doubts and she had problems and they were tired.  She had prayed that God would show her specifically when it was time to get started!  I think it is "time!" 

It is beyond me why God would allow me to be part of His plan.  I just can't believe that the God of the universe would use me...doubting, unfaithful, insecure, unsure, questioning, and sinful?  Why?  I can't possible ever understand the answer, but I am so thankful.  I knew I needed to write this.  God has been giving me so much lately that I want to write down, but this was a treasured piece.  I special gift that I just can't risk losing. I need to remember to always think back on the times God speaks.  To help me in my times of doubt and faithlessness.  To God be the GLORY!

God Speaks.

Laying in bed, I remember a conversation from a month earlier. I can’t remember the details exactly, not a perfect quote, but I can remember the idea, who was speaking, and the inflections in our voices. When I hear God speak to me, it is a lot like I am recalling an earlier conversation. I “hear” in my mind the memory. The voice of God is a lot like mine and yet different in the pattern of speech, in the inflection, and usually in the content.


In church this week, right before communion, I was praying. I was confession to God my weak faith. My concern about money issues was chief on my mind. [I want to preface the rest that I DO NOT believe that the world is “coming to an end” on May 21.] However…as I was praying, God brought this date to my mind. (I believe God uses common things and things we see everyday to help us understand Him.) So, very much like I was recalling a conversation from the past, I hear God say, “If I do choose to end the world on May 21st, will you have enough money?” My response was, “Oh Yes! We have plenty to live on until May 21st.” And believe it or not, my heart felt a little less burdened right then. Then, God sent His convicting message, “So, what you are saying is that you don’t believe that I will provide for you after May 21st.” Which, now to me, seemed ridiculous and I said, “of course I believe you can provide for me after that.” And He reminded me, “of course I will provide for you…” I felt forgiven of the sin of doubt and reassured of God’s provision.

After all of that, my “feelings” were quite convincing that I had an encounter with God, but I don’t think that it is smart to rely on feelings. I think it would be too easy for the enemy of our souls to use our feelings to trick us. That Sunday’s sermon was about stepping out in our faith and living a more exciting and full life through Christ. There would have been NO WAY to predict that the pastor (who is not of the denomination or of the belief in the May 21st “end” date) would bring that up. NO WAY!!! But, as has happened in many instances of God speaking to me, somehow he brought the “conversation” that had happened in my head out through the mouth of the pastor and that is my reassurance that God has spoken. Pastor said (after making sure we understood the bad theology behind that date), “what if the world was ending in 20 days…how would that affect the way you lived your life?”

So, before the sermon started, as I was praying, God spoke to me in a very real, convincing, calming, reassuring, forgiving way and then to reinforce that, He spoke again through the pastor using the same reference and words he had said to me, only about 15 minutes later. And, of course God wouldn’t speak anything in contradiction to His word. God speaks. I know He is speaking and the only reason I don’t hear Him is that I choose not to listen.

I realize how important it was for me to be in church that day. It is so important to hear confirming words when we hear God; and one of the ways we can do that is by attending Church and meeting with other believers. If I had not been in church on Sunday, I would have missed this perfect message from God and spent so much time worrying unnecessarily. I would have missed hearing His voice, and let me tell you, His voice is like a drug…once you have heard from Him, you never want to hear anything else. It reminds me of Hebrews 10:23-25: Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Safety Nets

God is so good to have given me a foreshadowing of what was to come.  In hard times, it is easy to fall back on the safety nets from the past.  I find myself holding onto things I hadn't even recognized.  Things that are being brought to my attention and then taken away one at a time.  Obviously, adoption is near to the heart of our Lord.  We are adopted into His family through the blood of Jesus.  So, why then do I worry that He would lead me on this path only to give up on me now?  Why don't I put my trust in Him to be with me through this process?  I worry that we will get right up to the end and not be able to follow through.  How can I throw down these safety nets that I have been hanging onto?  God is showing me.  He is taking things away each at its own time and showing me His provision:

Savings account?  Going, going, going, going...
Family support?  Until the next group of kids come (then, well, that's too many.)
Tax refund?  Under consideration...
Husband's job?  Waves of business come and go...

What else?  What if our "strong government" were to fail.  What if all of a sudden my bank account was empty and I no longer owned property.  What if I had no idea how to pay my bills next month or where my groceries would come from?

Do I really mean, "Give us this day our daily bread?"  Do I really trust God to meet my needs at all time? 

When Jesus called some of the disciples, they literally threw down their nets, left everything and followed Him!  (Mark 1:18 and Luke 5:11)  Can I let go of my "safety nets?"

I am holding on to so many!  I worry, who will help me if my family doesn't approve?  I will need help once our family grows to 6 or 8 children with the next adoption.  I always rely on my family when I really need them, but God said:  And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  Matthew 19:29.  This is for His sake.  This is our true form of worship.  We want to honor God by loving the special people He chooses to bless us with.  So, I need to remember that God has provided.  What I think I need and what I really need are not necessarily the same thing.  That there are people provided by Him who will fill the gaps that are left.  Everything that is sacrificed in this breath of life will be regained in all of eternity.  I will be meditating on these things as I attempt to throw down my "nets" to follow after HIM.