God will be our Guard

Basketball

Christmas

Shopping

Finals

Big projects due

Resources stretched too thin - Mine .  God's never fail!

It was probably about 6:15 tonight when we headed back out to "just one more stop" to wrap-up the first day of Christmas shopping.  It was also the first day of "Christmas planning," which is not usually the way I do things.  I.  Have. A. System...and this ain't it!

On my way out the door...literally, my son says, "Can you write me a note to get out of this assignment?"

No.

The argument centered around: when he knew about the assignment, when I knew about the assignment, etc...unfortunately, it was one in which I had to participate.  Unfortunately for him, it was due tomorrow and I was on my way out the door.

The English class read the book Under the Overpass.  It was an amazing and moving book.  The assignment was to do one of the 4 challenges that were listed at the end of the book.  There was really only one available tonight and that was to pick up a bag of take-out, buy something warm to drink and hang out with the homeless.  (It was 8:30 pm before we left the house to start this project.)

My hubby didn't love the idea of us traipsing all over town looking for a homeless person to bless at night in this particular city (well know for the high crime rate) but I assured him that I am friendly with a homeless lady who hangs out at the Walgrreens and we would just go find her.

We picked up some McDonald's and drove past the Walgreens...She wasn't there.  Probably good since she likes sweets, not burgers.  I know another guy I visit with occasionally outside of the grocery store, so we went there next.  Nope.  Gone.  Hmmm.  It was approaching 9 and I was nervous.  We found a group of 3 men, but we weren't comfortable approaching a group at night.  I knew of a couple of other spots, but it is a cold night so hopefully they had all found shelter for the evening. 

At this point, I was ready to call it a day.  It wasn't a good idea to be unsafe (for us or for a person we would approach).  And this is where God knew.  We drove by one more place and we saw a man pushing a cart walking with a security guard.  I told my kids (the 2 oldest went) to jump out, offer the food and then we will go if we were interrupting something.  We found that the security guard was just escorting the man because the police harass him.  We were able to talk to him for a long time about how he became homeless, about how he eats, sleeps, and gets money.  He was very kind and had a tragic history.  The security guard was a nice person too and we all had a nice talk.  We were blessed to know him and his name is Jerry.  We plan to go back and meet him again, maybe bring him a sandwich next time.

I am so in love with the God I serve.  I fully and totally believe we were supposed to be right where we were tonight.  In all honesty, we wouldn't have had to "do" this assignment.  We have had many opportunities to interact with the homeless and he could have written the assignment based on one of those experiences.  Thankfully, we took the opportunity so that we were allowed a blessing.  The only "worry" was that it might not be super safe to approach a homeless person at night, but how about if God provides a security guard for an escort!!!  Just a thought, though.  We had to FIRST agree to take the risk.  Before we knew that we would be completely safe, we had to commit by getting in the car, and commit by purchasing food THEN God revealed HIS part of the provision.  (I need to remember that!)

There is nothing God won't do.  No problem is too big if we step out in faith and follow His example.  I know we were safe without the guard.  But, isn't it just like God to provide that person for us to give us a physical example of HIS protection!  It is the relation with Jesus that protects, not the location of your body.

Isaiah 52:12b "...For the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard."

Who Deserves the Son?

Grocery bags spill to the ground as I grab one too many on my way into the house.  The wind is freezing and I shiver and try to get the key into the lock and hair whips into my eyes.  The first load is in.  This chore has to be done more often.  More mouths eat more food more quickly.  I return for the final load, shivering in my thin t-shirt.  As I open the car door again, I feel warmth, almost heat.  Warm enough that I stop and look up, realizing that the intensity of the sun's rays are being reflected, magnified, and focused by my son's window.  It was captivating.  I stood there for a full minute, eyes closed, face raised.  The walkers at the park must of though I was crazy or at least lost.  Could they think I was praying?  

They would be right.  I delighted in Him.  Stopping at that moment to give praise to the Son who meets all my needs. The Son who brought me God's love.  And I asked.  Do I reflect, magnify, and focus God's love to someone who is shivering in the wind with groceries rolling down to the gutter and wind whipping hair into eyes?  Do I reflect the love God has shown me with his Son to the person who couldn't buy warm shoes or a coat?  Do I magnify the love given to me so that when people come in contact with me, they pause and feel warm?  Do I focus God's love by sharing about the God who loved me first?

I can say yes, to some.  But!  What about those who I believe are a lost cause.  What about those who don't "deserve" a "hand-out."  What about those who are ungrateful, and very self-centered.  What if I know that no matter what I do, the outcome will still be the same.  What if that person has repeated the same behavior and I know I will only become part of their mess if I step in?  Does God want me to waste my time? 

That ray of light.  It would have been there if I didn't notice it.  It would have warmed the sidewalk or the door of the car.  It would shine even without any obvious benefit   This is something I struggle to understand.  Why?  Why waste energy on something that has no clear outcome?  I have not found an answer to this in an earthly sense, but I have run across a verse after praying. I shared the verse and my husband "ended up" on the same verse after also praying.  As God so often does, He placed His word in our hearts so that we would know His heart and then confirmed it.  Being obedient to God is the benefit.  Our heart's desire to say, "yes" is all that we really need.  If there is an earthly blessing, it is only because we honored Him, reflecting, magnifying, and focusing His love in a world that is cold and frustrating.  What would we gain if we do what is right because we can see a need that we have the ability to meet?  How much better is it to look to God for the purpose and the outcome, even if we can't see a change right away or even ever? Knowing that we can use it to build our faith and that we are not acting in our own power and authority but trusting Him with every action we take and every result that follows.  It is easy to say yes when we know we can help, it is hard to say yes when we know we can't.  It is then, that we enter in anyway and trust Him for the reward, for the outcome and for the purpose.  Only then, can we really say that the task was from Him and only to Him is the Glory given.

Luke 14:12 -14  Then Jesus said to His host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed.  Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

This is the Stuff

In my exhaustion, I have accumulated.  The piles abound in my home, the work beckons.  "Sort, store, pass, keep."  It is all consuming.  In such a short time, the house is over-run with excess.  How did we get to this?

I am reminded of Ecclesiastes.  One of my most and least favorite books God has written.  It can comfort me when I am overwhelmed, but depress me when I am chasing after a plan.  

Chaos brings more chaos and stuff means more stuff.  A new dress for the teens means new shoes that match.  A new season means long pants.  Do we have Oregano in the cabinet?  It isn't organized and I can't find it.  Sorting, organizing, making systems.  SIMPLIFYING!  

This is a season of chaos and loss.  Recently gone:  Sunglasses, $20, a book...

Still, I praise Him.  The one who knows what the loss means.  Is it a blessing that the book is gone? Now I can spend more time in His Word?  Was the $20 found by someone who needed it more?  I will never know.  I may never know what He has planned for me through this.  The lesson could be as simple as "simplify."  

Consider what God has done:  Who can straighten what He has mad crooked?  When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this:  God has made the one as well as the other.  Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.  Ecclesiastes 7:13 - 14

Francesca Battistelli said it best, "This is the stuff that drives me crazy!...but I've gotta trust You know exactly what your doin'..."

A City Which I Did Not Build

Mounting frustrations pile up like the laundry on my bed.  When all I want to do is crawl back under the covers, I realize one more person needs something from me.  Right.  Now.

 Another coffee cup half full?  The Raisin Bran stuck to the side of the bowl.  The clean laundry dumped over onto the dog's bed.  Is that the cheese sitting on the counter?

"Isn't this what you wanted.  A big family means a lot of work."  "At least you have a lot of helpers with all those big kids."

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!  I want to ask Paul, "How!?!  How have you learned peace in every circumstance!"  But, I know.  I know that the peace I am looking for is right there.  In the middle of a thoughtless comment (or 4), in the middle of scraping food from a plate, even in the middle of rewashing a load of laundry, again.  The peace comes from removing my selfishness and bringing in Him.  Only remembering His frustrations and sacrifice, can I stop feeling sorry for myself.

I did want a large family and I knew that there was a lot of work involved.  I even knew that that I would have additional challenges because of the way God gave me my family.

When I stop to recognize what is really happening, I see that I feel like I am "being taken advantage of..." or "They should be old enough to help out..."  But, what I am really saying is that I should have it easy even when Jesus said to expect people to treat us poorly.  He said to "turn the other cheek."  He gave us the perfect example on the cross as they were beating Him, He asked for their forgiveness.  Why?  Because He knew.  He knew that what they needed was His GRACE.  His mercy and His understanding.  He knew that He would suffer so that we could live.

By comparison, my complaints are petty.  It is in my weakness and sin that I focus on what ISN'T happening instead of what IS happening.  Prayerfully, I bring my problems to the Lord.  He shows me His goodness by showing me where I can make a correction.  He shared the verses from Luke about loving your enemies, blessing those who curse you.  He did it like He often does:  Through a friend.  He showed me that true healing is happening because I have half-full coffee cups, Raisin Bran stuck to the bowl, and cheese on the counter.  In my mess, He is creating beauty.

And then, today at church it was clear.  Where my sin truly lies.  I can only be taken advantage of if I have something to take.  If my resources feel stretched too thin, it is only because I am only trusting in my own resources.  Surely, I have learned by now that where my resources end, God's are only just beginning!  I had to confess my sin when God brought these verses to me, reminding me that I have earned NOTHING.  Everything I have is from the Lord.

Joshua 24:13  So I gave you a land on which you did not toil; and cities you did not build; and you live in them and eat from vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant.

Help me remember.  I live in a house I did not build, in a land I did not create.  I eat food that I did not grow and care for children I did not bear.  I have no right to ask for more and yet everyday there is a new blessing that comes along with the struggles.  I know there is nothing I can really give, yet I have been given so much. Let me be Thankful.

Remember

I was 19 and working for minimum wage.  Some would call it living pay-check-to-pay-check, but I had never heard that term before.  I just knew that I had enough to pay my bills and meet my basic needs, so I was happy...until.

At 19, "until" wasn't something I knew anything about.  I wasn't prepared for sick days, or insurance rate increases.  I didn't understand that utility bills fluctuated and you actually had to BUY salt.  I was feeling so grown up...until.

My "until" wasn't something that was catastrophic.  It was the small expenses of everyday living that creeped in and stole every last penny I had.  I know, because I knew every penny I had.  I never misplaced money, left it in the car or in the cushions of the couch.  So, when I was out of money, I was completely out of money.

I remember that I was about a week away from my next pay check.  Bills needed to be paid, I had very little gas and I had even less in the refrigerator.  I was too far away to afford to go home to my mom's house to eat every night, so I had to make a plan.  I collected every recyclable I could find in the area and I recycled. I earned about $60 and that got me through until pay day.

It would be great to say that was the end of my money worries, but unfortunately, that was just part of a very long road to understanding finances.

Now, years later, we were talking with friends as they were getting ready to move from the shelter into a rental.  They had nothing and we were able to help with a few things and we were able to find others who were also in a position to help.  They were speechless, constantly saying that they would "remember us" when they got back on their feet and they would "pay us back" when they had the money.

I told them my story.  Reminding them that no matter where we are in life, whether it is in a place of very little or a place of abundance, it isn't permanent.  Only God provides and from His provisions we share.  God said to us, "If you have two coats, give one away," he said.  "Do the same with your food."  Luke 3:11

And remembering my own story helps my heart be ready for their story.  God designed it that way.  Through my journey, I can encourage.  Through my fear and His faithfulness, I can show His goodness.  Through His provision, I can share His glory.

Deuteronomy 24:17 -  22 says:  Do not deprive the foreigner of fatherless of justice, or take the cloak of a widow as a pledge.  REMEMBER that you were slaves in Egypt and the Lord your God redeemed you from there.  That is why I command you to do this.    When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back and get it.  Leave it for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.  When you beat the olives from your trees, do not go over the branches a second time.  Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow.  When you harvest the grapes in your vineyard   Do not go over the vines again.  Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow.  REMEMBER that you were slaves in Egypt.  That is why I command you to do this.

(Emphasis mine...also, when God chooses to repeat something, I don't think it is an accident.  I remember...that is why God is commanding me to do this.)

In Every Little Thing

Me - "Yeah, I am planning to go."
The next day, I got an email that read:  Ok, Sandi will be there and she will be in charge.  Remind her about the calendars in case she forgets.

Hmmm.  That wasn't exactly what I meant when I said I would "be there." I was just going to show up.

That was Wednesday.  The day my 13 year old, special needs, foster daughter decided to scream at me about the babysitter I had hired.  Spewing ugly, hateful words.  Which, unfortunately, since that babysitter hadn't been available, I got to listen to for 2 hours while going to pick up the foster baby from his parent visit.  Needless to say, I didn't remember the calendars, showed up about an hour and a half late and did everything in my power to keep from crying through the whole evening.

Today
I stayed up until 3 am last night trying to find a solution to the aggressive anger my foster daughter is displaying.  (Actually, was done by 2 but then the foster baby woke for his bottle)  Up at 6 for my oldest son to get to his Monday morning bible study.  3 hours of sleep was not enough.  At 9 my sister showed up.  All the kids at home were still asleep and I was still hoping for a short nap if the baby would go to sleep.  She offered to stay and let me sleep.  That sleep put me late for the psychiatrist appointment we had today at 1.

In the apparent chaos that is my life, I am getting a very clear picture of the Lord at work.  I never understood how He was in every little thing.  I know He is in the things that "happen," but what about when things don't happen?  It's Him.  He is there in the lack of action too!  These two days were perfect examples of it.

Wednesday, I felt very frustrated about being the one left in charge for 2 reasons.  First, I had prayed for a very long time and felt it was not my duty to promote Orphan Care at the church right now.  I am supposed to do many things to make it happen as it is written in His Word, but this particular part is not what I am called to do.  Also, I had said many times that I am not able to commit right now to "run" anything due to our family dynamics.  We still need more time to adjust before I can commit.  (Maybe why I am not called to promote anything right now?)  The fact that the melt down happened that day in such a fierce way actually worked in my favor to show that I truly can't commit to running things and also physically kept me from doing what God had showed me not to do.  Since I arrived late, I was able to get emotional support from both a close friend and our pastor.

Then today, although I should have been more responsible to be there on time, because I wasn't, I was also blessed tremendously.  In fact, as I was on my way, I prayed that God would work a miracle to get me there on time.  I remembered the blog post I wrote about how HE can literally do anything and this time I DIDN'T doubt! AT! ALL!  Once I was late and realized that God was not going to bring me to the office on time, I called to tell them I was late, but as I dialed the phone, a peace came over me and I knew it was for the best.  I almost wanted to say, "I know I am late, but it is going to be better because there is something that is going to work out better than if I were there on time..."  Of course I didn't say that, I just groveled.  They said that their 2 O'Clock just cancelled and I thought "Of course" and then the therapist suggested we have a "quick check in" since we have a little extra time now.  "Of course."  So, after an incredibly difficult week with my foster daughter, we not only got to have the psychiatrist appointment, but we also got extra time with her therapist!  It just so happens that the person coordinating all of the services also was free during that time to check in as well.  I don't think I would have been surprised if Santa rode in on a unicorn!  It was that unreal and yet that completely real at the same time.

And...I don't want to forget that just when I thought I would throw up from lack of sleep, with the possibility of sleep quickly slipping away and the fear of a long drive on no sleep, my sister "stops by" and sends me back to bed.  That would have been enough for a memorial box Monday!

Only in my weakness and failure can God do such big things.  I am not purposely trying to mess up to see God rescue me, but when I have given my all, cried and ached and grew weary, God rescued me.  Out of my mistakes and into His embrace, out of my chaos and into His comfort.  Only through Him.

God's Trade. Memorial Box Monday

On the list of things to pray about, it was at the bottom.  I am not sure there was any wisdom in this, it just fell to the "automatic" side of my brain.

We bought the house, it needed fixed, it was part of the job.  It is a job, just like the jobs of many other people in the country.  The only difference is that I don't have anyone standing over me with a work order or a time sheet.  It is up to me to get it done and up to me to decide when to do it.  The problem is that the longer it takes to get done, the more money I lose.

BEFORE

The top of my prayer list:
  Foster daughter (soon to be adopted daughter) with behavior problems, anxiety, school issues.
  Foster baby's family getting ready for their baby's return (the joy and pain involved with that)
  Preparation for our newest (adult) child to move into our home
  the constant stream of social workers and counselors and therapists through my often messy home
  Preparation for Homeschooling 3 this year

I know that there are people who wake up every day and put every thought, need, and circumstance before the Lord. I wish I could say I was one of those people.  I do pray - like crazy.  But, mostly, I pray for the most pressing things and forget to ask for help with the little things.  I know I talked to God about this particular job, but I hadn't specifically asked for help or even given the job much thought other than, "I can't see any possible way to do this."  (Which would make you think it was pressing, but the other things in life were so much bigger, this was barely a twinkle on the radar screen.)  I said to Kev, "There is absolutely nothing in my life right now that I can handle without prayer.  Nothing that I can do on my own."

Now, if you will be very patient, this story is best told unabridged.  Every part necessary.

First:  Man calls:  Will we please sell him the house for a 20K return.  We say no because it is in a good location, we like the house and think it will be a good investment.  The 20K would be nice, but also necessary to get into another similiar house and then we would have to go through the trouble of finding another and we would lose the time we had now for "fixing" the new house putting us that much more "out" for our date of completion.  (We have a very low price point.)\

Next:  Man asks again.  Again, we say no.



Then:  Man stops at house while work is going on to suggest a trade.  He has sentimental attachment to the house.  He is buying a house around the corner that is in much much much better shape and would like to trade the two houses "as-is."  We are certain there is a catch.  This is a much better deal for us than for him and we tell him that.  We tell him about all the things that need to be fixed, we tell him about what we have done, but what needs to be completed.  He still wants to trade.

AFTER (The trade)

So:  After we see that everything checks out, we agree.  We sign papers in the morning agreeing to the trade.  We continue to try to do the jobs God puts in front of us.  This wasn't a "church" job, this wasn't a ministry.  This isn't going to be used as a retreat of a place for conferences.  This is just our work. Our every-day job. There is absolutely no logical reason this person should trade homes with us.  They are literally identical in every way, except one needs thousands of dollars and hundreds of man hours worth of work and the other needs almost nothing.  It is incredible to think God would get involved.  That He would provide in an area that was just our "every day" living.  Even when I wasn't faithful in seeking Him to solve the problem of time, He saw the problem and solved it in a very real way.  My parents are flabbergasted.  They continued to work on the house even though we knew that God had done this.  They said they would "believe it when they saw it."  They haven't ever noticed God work in this way before.  I kept telling them that they were wasting their time.  I kept telling them that this is what God has shown us over and over.  Tomorrow.  It will be done tomorrow and maybe then they will see what the Lord can do!

The Lord has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes  Psalm 118:23