He Gives Me a Peek So That I Will Know

It has happened before.  Just a glimpse, not a prediction, a premonition, or a Deja Vu.  Some tiny bit of information that the Lord will place in my mind for use at a later date to confirm His will.

It happened again.  I am just so dissapointed that I didn't write it down.  As it has been before, it started with a dream.The dream happened in the fall the year we moved into this house.  (2 years ago.)    It disturbed (not in a bad way) me and then stuck with me.  Those are both typical ways the Lord shows me that it was from Him.  Sometimes a dream is just a dream, but for me, the Lord uses dreams to speak to me.  It is awesome!  Why He would lower Himself to make sure I understand something is so far beyond what I can comprehend.  He shows me once more that He will guide me if I will follow.

I dreamed that we had moved into our current house with the intention of adopting a bunch of kids.  (So far that was accurate.)  During the dream, we came across a homeless family and had them move in.  They had been living under a road at the rail road tracks near our house.  They had a home to go to, but they chose not to for some reason that I never knew.  That was about it.  There were a few things that disturbed me.  1.  I knew that if we moved into this house and took in a homeless family, we would not be able to pursue adoption.  2.  The road they had been sleeping under didn't have an "under,"  it was just a road in real life.  My dream made it look like they were under the road, but I had to rationalize that I must have thought they were in a deep ditch or in a culvert.

When the dream stuck around my head for a while, I prayed.  Asking God if he wanted me to change my plans for adoption.  I told Him, "Lord, this is Your house.  All I have is Yours, so if you want me to do something different, I will be happy to serve!"  And, I meant it!  I realized for the first time, that adoption might have been my plan and not His!  So.  I fasted and prayed and prayed some more.  Finally , we were all settled into the house and I had to recognize that we were all still feeling a tug at our hearts for adoption.  God had not taken that burden from us.  Of course, I came to the natural conclusion that the dream must have just been a dream.  Nothing special.  It still bugged me and during every step of the adoption process, I asked God repeatedly if we are on the right path and felt like we were.

Two years go by.  The dream was long forgotten.  Construction grants are given and road work on every passable road near my home begins.  The exciting part is that a very busy road near my home is getting an underpass right at a Rail Road crossing.  Just.  Exactly.  Where.  The.  Dream.  Showed.   The dream was remembered with fondness, but nothing more since I have had prayers answered specifically over and over again about adoption and foster care.  But, I couldn't help seeing that the road work is occurring 

In walks our precious princess.  She came to help me, but she needed us more.  She needed a home.   She has a home to go to.  A great home with great people, but she needed us.  She needs so much healing to happen in her life and God has sent her to us to be part of it.  She comes in and we say "Stay."  She stays and we say, "be a daughter."  She will be moving in...right about the time when that underpass is completed.

Did the dream "predict the future?"  NO.  WAY!  It was just a tool God used to show me that there would be a time when he would want our family and our home for something other than a traditional adoption.  Something that would still serve Him...even though she had another place to go.  I strongly believe that the image of the underpass was simply to show me that it was His Time.  His Perfect Will and I get to be a part of it.  He showed me so that I wouldn't miss it because He knew.  He KNEW!  I would miss it, I would doubt, I would second guess, I would question.  HE KNEW because He MADE me.  Why?  Why would he treat me with kindness when I am so full of doubt and skepticism.  Why?  Because He already knew and He already forgave it.


For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.  In love, He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.  Ephesians 1:4-6

Care for the Fatherless

In need, but capable.  Lonely, but enveloped. Lost, but searching.  Her needs are deep.  She is able.  Or so I thought.

The assumption was that a person at her age shouldn't need anymore help, shouldn't need parenting, shouldn't need the comfort of a close-knit family.  But she does.  She should be self-reliant, but does that mean she shouldn't be carried?

At what age is a family no longer needed?  We decided that we would say Yes to God.  Whatever He decided we could do to participate in His amazing plan, we would do.  We knew our thoughts, we knew our plans, and then she came over and never left.  As usual, God had something else.  We promised that we would say yes to whatever child God brought to us.  It took some reminding that this was actually a child, a child of HIM.

Our sweet young adult "daughter" has joined our family.  I was so confused as I felt God placing her in our lives.  How would this effect the dynamics of the house, we are already adjusting to a special needs daughter and an infant.  How will we possibly give to one more person.  God says, from what He has given, we can give.  Only through Him will anything happen.  My next argument was that we thought we were supposed to care for the orphans and God reminded me to care for the fatherless.  I thought we were supposed to reach the un-reached and God reminded me to care for His people too. So, we knew, she would become our daughter in the most completely unconventional way.

As is His way with me, He spoke first through His word, (Basically, all of 1 Peter) and then through a friend. When I began doubting again, I was reassured through another friend who talked to my hubby and had no way to know of my concerns.  I am so thankful for his continued presence in my life, His continued provision of wisdom.  I know this won't be an easy road, but it is His road and I am truly excited to be on it.

1 Peter 4:8 - 9  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

If No Were an Option

Opening my heart, opening my home, opening my life.  Sharing with someone, who promises nothing, everything.  Knowing pain is the only possible outcome and saying "yes" anyway.

She is addicted and pregnant.  He is addicted and scared.  They know they should stop, but they can't.  The hold the drugs and alcohol have on them is too strong.  IF they get help, there could be criminal charges, court dates, and child protective services.

When we got that call.  The call that changed everything, again.  We knew taking in this little guy could be a mission God would use us for.  All of the excuses:  It's too hard, I get too attached, how could I give him back...won't work this time, God is asking, I am responding.

I respond to the sweet baby love that he gives, but I respond to the broken pain that his parents have.  My heart breaks and I pray.  Then I ask others to join me.  God works.  In this situation, the parents are healing, learning, and preparing.  They will one day be the family God intended.

What if I said "no."  I don't know and can never know if they would still be as able to get this far in the program if I wasn't praying, but maybe they would, but maybe they wouldn't.  What if they didn't.  What if they lost their baby to the social system and returned to the life they had been living.

Then, what if I went before the Lord to give an account of my life and God said to me, "What happened here?  Why didn't you take care of my people?  Why didn't you help them like I wanted you?"

What would I say to that?  What answer could I give?  Could I say, "It's too hard?  Or I get too attached?"

I must, I am compelled, and now I am blessed because the Lord has allowed me to part of this healing process.  I was rewarded with a new family.  I may not get to adopt a baby, but I do get a sister and brother in the Lord.  I will not look the other way and pretend nothing is happening when there is something I can do.
Proverbs 24:11 - 12

rescue those being led away to death;

    hold back those staggering toward slaughter.

If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,”

    does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?

Does not he who guards your life know it?

    Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?

Have an Answer

A common question when someone talks about adopting internationally is, "why go so far when there are so many needy kids here at home."

During a recent conversation, that question came up.  Not as it applied to me, but the general information was needed.  I knew the answer.  I knew the economic answer, the religious answer, the politically correct answer. I knew them all and was able to talk all about the subject without really stopping to think.  It was automatic.  That is a sure sign that giving this piece of information is not new.  I was able to categorize each question and answer in order to help aid in understanding.  (I can discuss the pro's and con's in another note.)

After this conversation, though, I realized that, in this instance, I had a ready answer.   I knew.  I didn't have to search my brain.  It was right there.  I realized that God has asked us to always be ready to give an answer when asked about our faith in Jesus.  I always thought that I had a pretty good answer, but now that I have the adoption questions to compare it to, I feel like I am not truly doing as God has asked.  Knowing the answer for my faith will take a lot more work and a humble heart ready to be taught.  I realize now that having an answer means that I am able to recall the information easily as I did before.  I also realize that to be able to recall the information, I need to have "put it in" by reading His word.

1 Peter 3:15

New International Version (NIV)

 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

Afraid to Love

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close

To what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart 

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me 

Is where all start

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

God speaks to me through songs sometimes.  I have dedicated this particular song to our foster baby.  I knew God placed him in our arms and I know God will be with him as he goes through his life, even when I am not there, but that doesn't make it easier. 

I have been asked, "Don't you get attached?"  The answer is, "YES!!!"  I attach to an idea, even before there is a person involved.  I have yet to meet a foster parent who doesn't, but the work needs to be done.  So, when I feel the sadness and loss, I remember the lyrics to this song, knowing that I won't hold back.  Even though there is pain in the offering, I will offer generously because he is worth all of me.  He is God's child.

This precious child will go back to live with his parents and we will miss him.  I know it will be hard, and yet I also know it is to God's glory!  I talk to God a lot about this.  Through it all, God reminds me that my mistake is thinking that any of "my" kids belong to me.  They are His.  They belong to Him.  I am allowed the privileged of loving them for a time and the responsibility of teaching them about Him, but ultimately, they are His first and only.  He has given me the gift of time, more with some, and less with others.  He reminds me that this isn't new.  

He allows me to complain and tell him, "I can't do it!" while He whispers, "I know. I can."  He has brought people along side of me when I fail like He did with Moses and Aaron.  He shows me that even though a parent may have not been perfect, he can create beauty from the family like He did in Samuel's life with Eli.  I am reminded that I truly have to completely surrender all to gain all that is made perfect in Him.  They are His and in Him they are safe, no matter what the world may look like, they can be confident that He cares more than anyone about them.  I give them to Him.  It is only through complete surrender, that I can know the true face of God.

The Wedding

The dress, the flowers, the rings.  The images of the perfect wedding began dancing around in her head as a little girl.  She saw the princesses and imagined herself with her prince living happily ever after.  Long before the world steps in to show her that life is never going to be a fairy tale come true.

What she never imagined was fighting the control of the drug that will forever plague her, having to ask permission to marry the father of her child.  She never thought she would have a four hour pass to look for her dress and another pass to go to the court house for the wedding.

I never imagined that I would spend time shopping with a homeless drug addict.  Raising her child as she heals from her addiction.  I never imagined that I would find a way to budget a little better this month to be able to afford to buy her a wedding dress.

As my husband and I discussed the amount the dress would cost, we both knew it wasn't in our budget.  We talked about ways to make it work and knew that in the end it was God's money and we felt called to help in this way.  We would cut back.  After making the decision, worrying a little bit, and doing it anyway, we got a phone call.  At dinner time.

Annoyed, I answered the call.  It was Chase, reminding me of my "rewards points."  I explained that I like the retirement points, but my husband handles all of that.  My husbands was whispering that was the wrong card.  Embarrassed, I asked more questions.  It turned out that my "points" were worth exactly the amount of money I needed for the dress, undergarments, and shoes!

If the call had come any sooner, I would have missed it.  I would have been excited about the money, but I wouldn't have seen the connection.  We were able to receive a burden on our hearts from God, act, even when it was going to be tough for us, and then witness God's provision.  I have noticed this pattern in the past.  God asks me to obey and then shows me the provision.  I am so thankful that HE is always there to care for me.  I know this is not what I imagined, but I know that it is made perfect in Him.  HIS daughters, shopping for a wedding dress to honor His desire for this baby to have a family.  What beauty HE creates from the dust!

Annie has 3 teeth, 2 kids, and 8 toes - total.

Annie has 3 teeth, 2 kids, and 8 toes - total.  She is in her early 30s, but looks at least 15 years older.  She has had diabetes all her life and she recently moved.  To a battered women's shelter.

I met her after dropping the baby off for a visit with his parents.  She was visibly shaken and joined a conversation I was having with another foster mom.  She was very dissatisfied with the care her child was receiving in her foster home.  She said, "I didn't hurt my kids, do drugs, or drink.  The only reason I don't have my kids is because I had to have surgery on my feet and I had no one to take care of them.  Their dad couldn't do it..."

She shifted back and forth on her bandaged feet, restlessly looking for an answer. She needed to catch her bus back to the shelter, but she knew  her blood pressure was up and was worried about her diabetes.  I think she was reluctant to leave the hospital property.  She got the letter today that she will get an EBT card, but she doesn't have the card and the shelter only allows so much food.  She thought she would find a food closet tomorrow.

Because Annie is "in the system now," she has to wait to have her children returned to her care.  She had an appointment with the court, but her lawyer didn't show up.  The rescheduled and the lawyer who came was unfamiliar with her case.  It was postponed again until next week.  

One thing I admire about some of the "godly" people I know, is that they taught me:  do the thing that is in front of you.  Jesus said, "Whatever you do for the least of these..." Annie mentioned that she was able to get to a food bank in the morning so I picked up some groceries to get her though the night.   The most important thing, though, was that I shared with her about Safe Families.  If she could have had access to this organization, she would be with her kids today.  She would probably have had transportation to a food bank or even a few bags of groceries until her services kicked in...I am praying tonight that she is able to talk to someone there.  She will, undoubtedly, need help in the future.  She has NO support and serious medical issues.  If you think of Annie, would you join me in praying for her?  

Thank you.