Afraid to Love

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close

To what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart 

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me 

Is where all start

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

God speaks to me through songs sometimes.  I have dedicated this particular song to our foster baby.  I knew God placed him in our arms and I know God will be with him as he goes through his life, even when I am not there, but that doesn't make it easier. 

I have been asked, "Don't you get attached?"  The answer is, "YES!!!"  I attach to an idea, even before there is a person involved.  I have yet to meet a foster parent who doesn't, but the work needs to be done.  So, when I feel the sadness and loss, I remember the lyrics to this song, knowing that I won't hold back.  Even though there is pain in the offering, I will offer generously because he is worth all of me.  He is God's child.

This precious child will go back to live with his parents and we will miss him.  I know it will be hard, and yet I also know it is to God's glory!  I talk to God a lot about this.  Through it all, God reminds me that my mistake is thinking that any of "my" kids belong to me.  They are His.  They belong to Him.  I am allowed the privileged of loving them for a time and the responsibility of teaching them about Him, but ultimately, they are His first and only.  He has given me the gift of time, more with some, and less with others.  He reminds me that this isn't new.  

He allows me to complain and tell him, "I can't do it!" while He whispers, "I know. I can."  He has brought people along side of me when I fail like He did with Moses and Aaron.  He shows me that even though a parent may have not been perfect, he can create beauty from the family like He did in Samuel's life with Eli.  I am reminded that I truly have to completely surrender all to gain all that is made perfect in Him.  They are His and in Him they are safe, no matter what the world may look like, they can be confident that He cares more than anyone about them.  I give them to Him.  It is only through complete surrender, that I can know the true face of God.

The Wedding

The dress, the flowers, the rings.  The images of the perfect wedding began dancing around in her head as a little girl.  She saw the princesses and imagined herself with her prince living happily ever after.  Long before the world steps in to show her that life is never going to be a fairy tale come true.

What she never imagined was fighting the control of the drug that will forever plague her, having to ask permission to marry the father of her child.  She never thought she would have a four hour pass to look for her dress and another pass to go to the court house for the wedding.

I never imagined that I would spend time shopping with a homeless drug addict.  Raising her child as she heals from her addiction.  I never imagined that I would find a way to budget a little better this month to be able to afford to buy her a wedding dress.

As my husband and I discussed the amount the dress would cost, we both knew it wasn't in our budget.  We talked about ways to make it work and knew that in the end it was God's money and we felt called to help in this way.  We would cut back.  After making the decision, worrying a little bit, and doing it anyway, we got a phone call.  At dinner time.

Annoyed, I answered the call.  It was Chase, reminding me of my "rewards points."  I explained that I like the retirement points, but my husband handles all of that.  My husbands was whispering that was the wrong card.  Embarrassed, I asked more questions.  It turned out that my "points" were worth exactly the amount of money I needed for the dress, undergarments, and shoes!

If the call had come any sooner, I would have missed it.  I would have been excited about the money, but I wouldn't have seen the connection.  We were able to receive a burden on our hearts from God, act, even when it was going to be tough for us, and then witness God's provision.  I have noticed this pattern in the past.  God asks me to obey and then shows me the provision.  I am so thankful that HE is always there to care for me.  I know this is not what I imagined, but I know that it is made perfect in Him.  HIS daughters, shopping for a wedding dress to honor His desire for this baby to have a family.  What beauty HE creates from the dust!

Annie has 3 teeth, 2 kids, and 8 toes - total.

Annie has 3 teeth, 2 kids, and 8 toes - total.  She is in her early 30s, but looks at least 15 years older.  She has had diabetes all her life and she recently moved.  To a battered women's shelter.

I met her after dropping the baby off for a visit with his parents.  She was visibly shaken and joined a conversation I was having with another foster mom.  She was very dissatisfied with the care her child was receiving in her foster home.  She said, "I didn't hurt my kids, do drugs, or drink.  The only reason I don't have my kids is because I had to have surgery on my feet and I had no one to take care of them.  Their dad couldn't do it..."

She shifted back and forth on her bandaged feet, restlessly looking for an answer. She needed to catch her bus back to the shelter, but she knew  her blood pressure was up and was worried about her diabetes.  I think she was reluctant to leave the hospital property.  She got the letter today that she will get an EBT card, but she doesn't have the card and the shelter only allows so much food.  She thought she would find a food closet tomorrow.

Because Annie is "in the system now," she has to wait to have her children returned to her care.  She had an appointment with the court, but her lawyer didn't show up.  The rescheduled and the lawyer who came was unfamiliar with her case.  It was postponed again until next week.  

One thing I admire about some of the "godly" people I know, is that they taught me:  do the thing that is in front of you.  Jesus said, "Whatever you do for the least of these..." Annie mentioned that she was able to get to a food bank in the morning so I picked up some groceries to get her though the night.   The most important thing, though, was that I shared with her about Safe Families.  If she could have had access to this organization, she would be with her kids today.  She would probably have had transportation to a food bank or even a few bags of groceries until her services kicked in...I am praying tonight that she is able to talk to someone there.  She will, undoubtedly, need help in the future.  She has NO support and serious medical issues.  If you think of Annie, would you join me in praying for her?  

Thank you.

If We Could Only See

So many days she was hungry. There wasn't enough to eat, and she felt responsible to feed her siblings first. She had a few toys, brought to her by her grandparents, God-parents and friends, but even these were only temporary as her Uncle would break into their home as steal them or the neighborhood kids would let them selves in when she wasn't at home.

Supposedly, she was saved from that environment and placed in safety, but that turned out to be just another place to survive. The food, although nutritious, was rationed, as was the toilet paper, and the affection. At least at the new place, she was able to begin collecting things of her own. She was proud to have her own music, clothing, and school supplies.

Finally, it was time for a permanent home. Our home. She move in with all of her broke, toys, missing pieces, and too-small clothes. We showed her how to organize, threw away some of the broken things, but showed her that we would replace them for her. Showed her that she never had to worry about not having enough.

Only, there was this single bag of markers. Half-used-up, filled to the top of the bag, collection of markers. Sprinkled with a few crayons in various colors. As we were organizing and putting stuff away, I asked her to put those with the other markers in the school room. She clutched the bag to her chest and said, "no!" She did not want to share those. They were important to her. I explained that I had just placed a very large order for more art supplies and the number and variety of markers far exceeded those in her bag, but she still held fast to the ziplock. She was not about to let it go. When I explained again that, while the markers she has are nice, the stuff that was coming would amaze her. She would be so excited to get her hands on them, but she had to trust me first and let go of that bag.

 She still has the bag. I felt frustrated. I can see something she can't and I can see how she going to lose. I felt that if she would just believe me, she would have more than she can even imagine! More than she has ever had in her ENTIRE life! And then it hit me...isn't this just the way we are? Aren't there things I am holding onto simply because I am so afraid to let them go? I cling tightly to my "marker bag" not trusting that what is coming is so much better that I will feel foolish when I see the comparison. I know it is only when I choose to let go of what I hold precious, that I am blessed with an abundance that I could never imagine. Sometimes it is money, or an idea, or a plan. Sometimes my "marker bag" is a person or place. I hold on to so many things that I could give up and see the blessings rain down. I pray that this is a reminder to me that all He has for us is so much more than I can even imagine - A reminder to lookahead and remember that this is NOT my home and that I have a heavenly store house waiting for me. Also, I pray that she learns through this that she also can give up the things of this world and watch what God can do!!

“No eye has seen,

no ear has heard,

no mind has conceived

what God has prepared for those who love him”— 1 Corinthians 2:9

Devil's Advocate (duplicate post from Adoption Blog)

Nausea returned, as my hands started shaking.  I realized that I should have had more than a Diet Pepsi before trying to take on this meeting.  I alternated between hot and cold and my fingers were tingling.  As I left the Doctor’s office and walked the very short distance between the two buildings, my ears began ringing and the intensity of my discomfort increased.  I realized I was physically not going to be able to get through this on my own.  I started to pray.  I silently called out to God asking Him to help.  I had been praying, off and on, but now I was pleading.  I had no idea how to face the person who put this tiny baby I was carrying though so much agony.  It was HER fault he struggled to eat, HER fault that he would have learning delays, and HER fault that he would never have the perfect family that God intended.  I prayed. I needed God to touch my heart and quick.  I was going to see her in just minutes.   I was 5 minutes late.

Thankfully, God always answers.   As I walked, God quietly spoke, “I love her too.”  The words struck a cord and I was convicted.  I (in my sin) DIDN’T love her too.  I didn’t love her at all.  I placed all the blame right at her feet and never considered her worthy of love and forgiveness.  Then, God reminded me, “I loved her first.”  In God’s eyes, our precious little peanut was no more important than his mom. (I am reminded of the Prodigal Son in Luke)  SHE is loved by him.  SHE is important to Him!  A few feet from the door, the door I would walk through and see her for the first time, my heart melted.  I felt so much love for her.  Only the love that God the Father can give.  I was completely humbled that God chose to overlook my sins and is offering her the same.  I was convicted for thinking that the problems of this person are any more horrible in the sight of God than the things I have done.  Who was I to judge her?  I started to pray again.  I asked for forgiveness for my hardened heart and felt forgiven.  I asked for a sensitive heart for her so that I would be able to pray for her and all that she is going through and God answered.

I can’t pretend to know what has brought her to this place, or what it is going to take to help her get to a place that she is healthy and can be a mother to her son.  I know that after meeting her and the father of the baby, I pray constantly for their struggles.  They are greatly loved by God and I know He has amazing plans for them and for their lives as a family.  I do all I can to show them the love of God and share about Jesus’ transforming strength. 

Our society likes labels:   Good Guys and Bad Guys.  Victim and Perpetrator.  Friend and Enemy.  I see now that we have only one enemy and that is the enemy of our soul who seeks to destroy families.  This mom, who I saw as the enemy is really a victim of the real enemy.  She is not the devil, she is his prey.  I will continue to bring her to the Lord in PRAY – ER!!!!  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10

Shoes - God's Consistent Provision

It seemed like such a good idea at the time...

Basketball season was coming to a close and it had not gone well.  AT. ALL.  

Track seemed like a great idea, he can really jump!  But.  He's never tried it.  He is completely dedicated to basketball.

When he agreed to try it - just for the season - we were all excited - until...

SHOES!  Ug!  The week before the track meet, we realize he needs track shoes.  Seriously???  Of course he does.  I can't think of a single thing this poor kid does that doesn't require a new pair of shoes.  The week's schedule was already full.  Overflowing, really.  If the shoe store was open 24 hours a day, we might be able to find something.  And, of course, it was too late to order something on-line.  Should I have been more prepared? Sure, if I he had committed to the team or if I had knowledge of the shoe situation, I might have been.  (MIGHT.)

Back story:  14, 13, 12, 6, 4, 3 mos.  Those are the ages of the kids in my house right now.  The baby is a foster baby who is visiting parents, social workers, Doctors and specialists.  The 13 year old is also new to our home and will hopefully be adopted.  She also has visits from social workers, psychiatrists, school counselors, psychologist, doctors, specialists, etc...We regularly have appointments daily.  Usually, more than one a day.  The 12, 6, and 5 year old are home-schooled.

I had no way to get him shoes.  The only possible time I had was the day before the meet.  I looked at shoes and realized that they may cost up to $100!  This used to be enough to derail me, but!  I am learning.  I am learning to trust in Him!  I knew that what needed to be done was beyond what I could control or do.  I couldn't guarantee that the shoes he wanted or needed would be in the stores, that they would have his size, or that we could afford them.  I had no way to control the schedule that was already set before me.  I simply looked for a time and decided I would do my best.  I never really considered what would happen if we didn't find the shoes, but I think I must have just figured that God would have something.  

And then it happened!  I got a text.  "Coach found shoes for me."  When I got to his school  he pulls out a pair of like-new condition - just the right size - perfect style - track shoes!!!  They were still in a box, still in a bag.  They were left in with the track supplies.  No one knew who they belong to and it appeared to all involved that they had been left in the track supplies from last year!  The coach said he was welcome to use them for this season. There is nothing too insignificant for our God, nothing too difficult.  Just when it seems like it can't be done, HE DOES IT!  This just blows me away.

I think God had a special plan for this one.  My son has been struggling to experience God on his own.  He knows how God has provided shoes for him in the past and how God provided boots for Mari.  The fact that he got to experience this provision again, in this way made God feel very close and very real.  I think God was giving him an extra love that day and I got to be part of it too.  It is funny to me how God chooses to repeat things.  Probably just to get my attention.  I think my oldest may want to consider what his feet might be used for, since God is taking very good care of them!!!

"Ah, Sovereign LORD, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you."  Jeremiah 32:17


Just in case you wanted to see how God has ministered to us using shoes in the past....look here and here

Lesson Continued. Still Not Wet!

And as is true with God...He is ever faithful.  Never changing.  Always the one to make concessions.  After writing the last post, I spent a bit of time sitting in a parking lot in front of Raleys talking with a very dear friend.  And, of course, what scripture did she share?  Oh yeah, the one about Peter.  Getting out of the boat.  Of course.

A few days later, she mentioned the scripture again saying, "I didn't even use that scripture in  my talk..."  The conversation continued, but I knew she had that scripture just for me.

I am so sure because right after that conversation.  Right after I realized that I might be asked to do "a Mattie" again.  Right after I knew that God was asking me to trust in Him NO. MATTER. WHAT.

We got the call.  Can we pick up a little boy?  By 5pm?  (Yeah, it was just after 4 pm.)  I had to make the decision that instant.  "Yes."  Yes we will open our hearts to another one who needs us.  I don't pretend to know how this will turn out.  I don't believe God has given me any promises regarding this child.  I only believe that He has asked me to do this in Trust - in Him.  The decision was easy.  Why would God need to teach me that lesson if He didn't expect me to apply it.

All I know right now, is that my answer to my God is YES.  I trust Him to do the rest.  And I am excited to see where it leads!  Look!  I am out of boat and standing in the rain!  NOT.  GETTING.  WET.