In Every Little Thing

Me - "Yeah, I am planning to go."
The next day, I got an email that read:  Ok, Sandi will be there and she will be in charge.  Remind her about the calendars in case she forgets.

Hmmm.  That wasn't exactly what I meant when I said I would "be there." I was just going to show up.

That was Wednesday.  The day my 13 year old, special needs, foster daughter decided to scream at me about the babysitter I had hired.  Spewing ugly, hateful words.  Which, unfortunately, since that babysitter hadn't been available, I got to listen to for 2 hours while going to pick up the foster baby from his parent visit.  Needless to say, I didn't remember the calendars, showed up about an hour and a half late and did everything in my power to keep from crying through the whole evening.

Today
I stayed up until 3 am last night trying to find a solution to the aggressive anger my foster daughter is displaying.  (Actually, was done by 2 but then the foster baby woke for his bottle)  Up at 6 for my oldest son to get to his Monday morning bible study.  3 hours of sleep was not enough.  At 9 my sister showed up.  All the kids at home were still asleep and I was still hoping for a short nap if the baby would go to sleep.  She offered to stay and let me sleep.  That sleep put me late for the psychiatrist appointment we had today at 1.

In the apparent chaos that is my life, I am getting a very clear picture of the Lord at work.  I never understood how He was in every little thing.  I know He is in the things that "happen," but what about when things don't happen?  It's Him.  He is there in the lack of action too!  These two days were perfect examples of it.

Wednesday, I felt very frustrated about being the one left in charge for 2 reasons.  First, I had prayed for a very long time and felt it was not my duty to promote Orphan Care at the church right now.  I am supposed to do many things to make it happen as it is written in His Word, but this particular part is not what I am called to do.  Also, I had said many times that I am not able to commit right now to "run" anything due to our family dynamics.  We still need more time to adjust before I can commit.  (Maybe why I am not called to promote anything right now?)  The fact that the melt down happened that day in such a fierce way actually worked in my favor to show that I truly can't commit to running things and also physically kept me from doing what God had showed me not to do.  Since I arrived late, I was able to get emotional support from both a close friend and our pastor.

Then today, although I should have been more responsible to be there on time, because I wasn't, I was also blessed tremendously.  In fact, as I was on my way, I prayed that God would work a miracle to get me there on time.  I remembered the blog post I wrote about how HE can literally do anything and this time I DIDN'T doubt! AT! ALL!  Once I was late and realized that God was not going to bring me to the office on time, I called to tell them I was late, but as I dialed the phone, a peace came over me and I knew it was for the best.  I almost wanted to say, "I know I am late, but it is going to be better because there is something that is going to work out better than if I were there on time..."  Of course I didn't say that, I just groveled.  They said that their 2 O'Clock just cancelled and I thought "Of course" and then the therapist suggested we have a "quick check in" since we have a little extra time now.  "Of course."  So, after an incredibly difficult week with my foster daughter, we not only got to have the psychiatrist appointment, but we also got extra time with her therapist!  It just so happens that the person coordinating all of the services also was free during that time to check in as well.  I don't think I would have been surprised if Santa rode in on a unicorn!  It was that unreal and yet that completely real at the same time.

And...I don't want to forget that just when I thought I would throw up from lack of sleep, with the possibility of sleep quickly slipping away and the fear of a long drive on no sleep, my sister "stops by" and sends me back to bed.  That would have been enough for a memorial box Monday!

Only in my weakness and failure can God do such big things.  I am not purposely trying to mess up to see God rescue me, but when I have given my all, cried and ached and grew weary, God rescued me.  Out of my mistakes and into His embrace, out of my chaos and into His comfort.  Only through Him.

God's Trade. Memorial Box Monday

On the list of things to pray about, it was at the bottom.  I am not sure there was any wisdom in this, it just fell to the "automatic" side of my brain.

We bought the house, it needed fixed, it was part of the job.  It is a job, just like the jobs of many other people in the country.  The only difference is that I don't have anyone standing over me with a work order or a time sheet.  It is up to me to get it done and up to me to decide when to do it.  The problem is that the longer it takes to get done, the more money I lose.

BEFORE

The top of my prayer list:
  Foster daughter (soon to be adopted daughter) with behavior problems, anxiety, school issues.
  Foster baby's family getting ready for their baby's return (the joy and pain involved with that)
  Preparation for our newest (adult) child to move into our home
  the constant stream of social workers and counselors and therapists through my often messy home
  Preparation for Homeschooling 3 this year

I know that there are people who wake up every day and put every thought, need, and circumstance before the Lord. I wish I could say I was one of those people.  I do pray - like crazy.  But, mostly, I pray for the most pressing things and forget to ask for help with the little things.  I know I talked to God about this particular job, but I hadn't specifically asked for help or even given the job much thought other than, "I can't see any possible way to do this."  (Which would make you think it was pressing, but the other things in life were so much bigger, this was barely a twinkle on the radar screen.)  I said to Kev, "There is absolutely nothing in my life right now that I can handle without prayer.  Nothing that I can do on my own."

Now, if you will be very patient, this story is best told unabridged.  Every part necessary.

First:  Man calls:  Will we please sell him the house for a 20K return.  We say no because it is in a good location, we like the house and think it will be a good investment.  The 20K would be nice, but also necessary to get into another similiar house and then we would have to go through the trouble of finding another and we would lose the time we had now for "fixing" the new house putting us that much more "out" for our date of completion.  (We have a very low price point.)\

Next:  Man asks again.  Again, we say no.



Then:  Man stops at house while work is going on to suggest a trade.  He has sentimental attachment to the house.  He is buying a house around the corner that is in much much much better shape and would like to trade the two houses "as-is."  We are certain there is a catch.  This is a much better deal for us than for him and we tell him that.  We tell him about all the things that need to be fixed, we tell him about what we have done, but what needs to be completed.  He still wants to trade.

AFTER (The trade)

So:  After we see that everything checks out, we agree.  We sign papers in the morning agreeing to the trade.  We continue to try to do the jobs God puts in front of us.  This wasn't a "church" job, this wasn't a ministry.  This isn't going to be used as a retreat of a place for conferences.  This is just our work. Our every-day job. There is absolutely no logical reason this person should trade homes with us.  They are literally identical in every way, except one needs thousands of dollars and hundreds of man hours worth of work and the other needs almost nothing.  It is incredible to think God would get involved.  That He would provide in an area that was just our "every day" living.  Even when I wasn't faithful in seeking Him to solve the problem of time, He saw the problem and solved it in a very real way.  My parents are flabbergasted.  They continued to work on the house even though we knew that God had done this.  They said they would "believe it when they saw it."  They haven't ever noticed God work in this way before.  I kept telling them that they were wasting their time.  I kept telling them that this is what God has shown us over and over.  Tomorrow.  It will be done tomorrow and maybe then they will see what the Lord can do!

The Lord has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes  Psalm 118:23

He Gives Me a Peek So That I Will Know

It has happened before.  Just a glimpse, not a prediction, a premonition, or a Deja Vu.  Some tiny bit of information that the Lord will place in my mind for use at a later date to confirm His will.

It happened again.  I am just so dissapointed that I didn't write it down.  As it has been before, it started with a dream.The dream happened in the fall the year we moved into this house.  (2 years ago.)    It disturbed (not in a bad way) me and then stuck with me.  Those are both typical ways the Lord shows me that it was from Him.  Sometimes a dream is just a dream, but for me, the Lord uses dreams to speak to me.  It is awesome!  Why He would lower Himself to make sure I understand something is so far beyond what I can comprehend.  He shows me once more that He will guide me if I will follow.

I dreamed that we had moved into our current house with the intention of adopting a bunch of kids.  (So far that was accurate.)  During the dream, we came across a homeless family and had them move in.  They had been living under a road at the rail road tracks near our house.  They had a home to go to, but they chose not to for some reason that I never knew.  That was about it.  There were a few things that disturbed me.  1.  I knew that if we moved into this house and took in a homeless family, we would not be able to pursue adoption.  2.  The road they had been sleeping under didn't have an "under,"  it was just a road in real life.  My dream made it look like they were under the road, but I had to rationalize that I must have thought they were in a deep ditch or in a culvert.

When the dream stuck around my head for a while, I prayed.  Asking God if he wanted me to change my plans for adoption.  I told Him, "Lord, this is Your house.  All I have is Yours, so if you want me to do something different, I will be happy to serve!"  And, I meant it!  I realized for the first time, that adoption might have been my plan and not His!  So.  I fasted and prayed and prayed some more.  Finally , we were all settled into the house and I had to recognize that we were all still feeling a tug at our hearts for adoption.  God had not taken that burden from us.  Of course, I came to the natural conclusion that the dream must have just been a dream.  Nothing special.  It still bugged me and during every step of the adoption process, I asked God repeatedly if we are on the right path and felt like we were.

Two years go by.  The dream was long forgotten.  Construction grants are given and road work on every passable road near my home begins.  The exciting part is that a very busy road near my home is getting an underpass right at a Rail Road crossing.  Just.  Exactly.  Where.  The.  Dream.  Showed.   The dream was remembered with fondness, but nothing more since I have had prayers answered specifically over and over again about adoption and foster care.  But, I couldn't help seeing that the road work is occurring 

In walks our precious princess.  She came to help me, but she needed us more.  She needed a home.   She has a home to go to.  A great home with great people, but she needed us.  She needs so much healing to happen in her life and God has sent her to us to be part of it.  She comes in and we say "Stay."  She stays and we say, "be a daughter."  She will be moving in...right about the time when that underpass is completed.

Did the dream "predict the future?"  NO.  WAY!  It was just a tool God used to show me that there would be a time when he would want our family and our home for something other than a traditional adoption.  Something that would still serve Him...even though she had another place to go.  I strongly believe that the image of the underpass was simply to show me that it was His Time.  His Perfect Will and I get to be a part of it.  He showed me so that I wouldn't miss it because He knew.  He KNEW!  I would miss it, I would doubt, I would second guess, I would question.  HE KNEW because He MADE me.  Why?  Why would he treat me with kindness when I am so full of doubt and skepticism.  Why?  Because He already knew and He already forgave it.


For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.  In love, He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.  Ephesians 1:4-6

Care for the Fatherless

In need, but capable.  Lonely, but enveloped. Lost, but searching.  Her needs are deep.  She is able.  Or so I thought.

The assumption was that a person at her age shouldn't need anymore help, shouldn't need parenting, shouldn't need the comfort of a close-knit family.  But she does.  She should be self-reliant, but does that mean she shouldn't be carried?

At what age is a family no longer needed?  We decided that we would say Yes to God.  Whatever He decided we could do to participate in His amazing plan, we would do.  We knew our thoughts, we knew our plans, and then she came over and never left.  As usual, God had something else.  We promised that we would say yes to whatever child God brought to us.  It took some reminding that this was actually a child, a child of HIM.

Our sweet young adult "daughter" has joined our family.  I was so confused as I felt God placing her in our lives.  How would this effect the dynamics of the house, we are already adjusting to a special needs daughter and an infant.  How will we possibly give to one more person.  God says, from what He has given, we can give.  Only through Him will anything happen.  My next argument was that we thought we were supposed to care for the orphans and God reminded me to care for the fatherless.  I thought we were supposed to reach the un-reached and God reminded me to care for His people too. So, we knew, she would become our daughter in the most completely unconventional way.

As is His way with me, He spoke first through His word, (Basically, all of 1 Peter) and then through a friend. When I began doubting again, I was reassured through another friend who talked to my hubby and had no way to know of my concerns.  I am so thankful for his continued presence in my life, His continued provision of wisdom.  I know this won't be an easy road, but it is His road and I am truly excited to be on it.

1 Peter 4:8 - 9  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

If No Were an Option

Opening my heart, opening my home, opening my life.  Sharing with someone, who promises nothing, everything.  Knowing pain is the only possible outcome and saying "yes" anyway.

She is addicted and pregnant.  He is addicted and scared.  They know they should stop, but they can't.  The hold the drugs and alcohol have on them is too strong.  IF they get help, there could be criminal charges, court dates, and child protective services.

When we got that call.  The call that changed everything, again.  We knew taking in this little guy could be a mission God would use us for.  All of the excuses:  It's too hard, I get too attached, how could I give him back...won't work this time, God is asking, I am responding.

I respond to the sweet baby love that he gives, but I respond to the broken pain that his parents have.  My heart breaks and I pray.  Then I ask others to join me.  God works.  In this situation, the parents are healing, learning, and preparing.  They will one day be the family God intended.

What if I said "no."  I don't know and can never know if they would still be as able to get this far in the program if I wasn't praying, but maybe they would, but maybe they wouldn't.  What if they didn't.  What if they lost their baby to the social system and returned to the life they had been living.

Then, what if I went before the Lord to give an account of my life and God said to me, "What happened here?  Why didn't you take care of my people?  Why didn't you help them like I wanted you?"

What would I say to that?  What answer could I give?  Could I say, "It's too hard?  Or I get too attached?"

I must, I am compelled, and now I am blessed because the Lord has allowed me to part of this healing process.  I was rewarded with a new family.  I may not get to adopt a baby, but I do get a sister and brother in the Lord.  I will not look the other way and pretend nothing is happening when there is something I can do.
Proverbs 24:11 - 12

rescue those being led away to death;

    hold back those staggering toward slaughter.

If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,”

    does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?

Does not he who guards your life know it?

    Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?

Have an Answer

A common question when someone talks about adopting internationally is, "why go so far when there are so many needy kids here at home."

During a recent conversation, that question came up.  Not as it applied to me, but the general information was needed.  I knew the answer.  I knew the economic answer, the religious answer, the politically correct answer. I knew them all and was able to talk all about the subject without really stopping to think.  It was automatic.  That is a sure sign that giving this piece of information is not new.  I was able to categorize each question and answer in order to help aid in understanding.  (I can discuss the pro's and con's in another note.)

After this conversation, though, I realized that, in this instance, I had a ready answer.   I knew.  I didn't have to search my brain.  It was right there.  I realized that God has asked us to always be ready to give an answer when asked about our faith in Jesus.  I always thought that I had a pretty good answer, but now that I have the adoption questions to compare it to, I feel like I am not truly doing as God has asked.  Knowing the answer for my faith will take a lot more work and a humble heart ready to be taught.  I realize now that having an answer means that I am able to recall the information easily as I did before.  I also realize that to be able to recall the information, I need to have "put it in" by reading His word.

1 Peter 3:15

New International Version (NIV)

 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

Afraid to Love

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close

To what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart 

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me 

Is where all start

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

God speaks to me through songs sometimes.  I have dedicated this particular song to our foster baby.  I knew God placed him in our arms and I know God will be with him as he goes through his life, even when I am not there, but that doesn't make it easier. 

I have been asked, "Don't you get attached?"  The answer is, "YES!!!"  I attach to an idea, even before there is a person involved.  I have yet to meet a foster parent who doesn't, but the work needs to be done.  So, when I feel the sadness and loss, I remember the lyrics to this song, knowing that I won't hold back.  Even though there is pain in the offering, I will offer generously because he is worth all of me.  He is God's child.

This precious child will go back to live with his parents and we will miss him.  I know it will be hard, and yet I also know it is to God's glory!  I talk to God a lot about this.  Through it all, God reminds me that my mistake is thinking that any of "my" kids belong to me.  They are His.  They belong to Him.  I am allowed the privileged of loving them for a time and the responsibility of teaching them about Him, but ultimately, they are His first and only.  He has given me the gift of time, more with some, and less with others.  He reminds me that this isn't new.  

He allows me to complain and tell him, "I can't do it!" while He whispers, "I know. I can."  He has brought people along side of me when I fail like He did with Moses and Aaron.  He shows me that even though a parent may have not been perfect, he can create beauty from the family like He did in Samuel's life with Eli.  I am reminded that I truly have to completely surrender all to gain all that is made perfect in Him.  They are His and in Him they are safe, no matter what the world may look like, they can be confident that He cares more than anyone about them.  I give them to Him.  It is only through complete surrender, that I can know the true face of God.