And as is true with God...He is ever faithful. Never changing. Always the one to make concessions. After writing the last post, I spent a bit of time sitting in a parking lot in front of Raleys talking with a very dear friend. And, of course, what scripture did she share? Oh yeah, the one about Peter. Getting out of the boat. Of course.
A few days later, she mentioned the scripture again saying, "I didn't even use that scripture in my talk..." The conversation continued, but I knew she had that scripture just for me.
I am so sure because right after that conversation. Right after I realized that I might be asked to do "a Mattie" again. Right after I knew that God was asking me to trust in Him NO. MATTER. WHAT.
We got the call. Can we pick up a little boy? By 5pm? (Yeah, it was just after 4 pm.) I had to make the decision that instant. "Yes." Yes we will open our hearts to another one who needs us. I don't pretend to know how this will turn out. I don't believe God has given me any promises regarding this child. I only believe that He has asked me to do this in Trust - in Him. The decision was easy. Why would God need to teach me that lesson if He didn't expect me to apply it.
All I know right now, is that my answer to my God is YES. I trust Him to do the rest. And I am excited to see where it leads! Look! I am out of boat and standing in the rain! NOT. GETTING. WET.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
No way I am getting wet!
You know those time when hind-sight kinda kicks you in the tushie?
This was one of those. I had a great argument. I didn't win, but my argument was awesome! You'll see...After we lost Mattie, I told Kevin I really didn't want to go through that again. I said that we should call the social worker in the morning and reset our guidelines. He said that he thought that we agreed that God asked us to say yes to taking in Mattie, so was I now going to say no if God called us to it again. (At the time, I actually thought that sounded like a pretty darn good idea!) I explained that the social system was in such need of foster parents that, unless we spoke up, we would be put in that position again - that it would no longer be about what God had specifically called us to! I said, "If we don't say that we DON'T want to do this, we will do this by default. It would be like going out in the rain and saying, 'if God doesn't want me to get wet, I won't...OF COURSE I am going to get wet! I am out in the rain!'" SEE? That is a great argument. I mean really good. But. Kevin won. He pulled the trump card and asked, "Well, do you think God is asking us to do something different?" UG!!!! Nope. No, I did not. And, I had to honor my husband's wisdom. I reluctantly agreed, but it was only until I waited for God to "show me that we are supposed to do something different."
Today. I realized today the hole in my theory. My argument was full of flaws. How little is my faith?? Wow. I realize today that God has asked me to walk right out into the rain, showing me that I won't get wet. Not a single drop...not even a mist. I will stay as dry as a bone. I realized today that Peter was asked to get right out of that boat. He wasn't going to drown, sink, or even need swim trunks!
This was one of those. I had a great argument. I didn't win, but my argument was awesome! You'll see...After we lost Mattie, I told Kevin I really didn't want to go through that again. I said that we should call the social worker in the morning and reset our guidelines. He said that he thought that we agreed that God asked us to say yes to taking in Mattie, so was I now going to say no if God called us to it again. (At the time, I actually thought that sounded like a pretty darn good idea!) I explained that the social system was in such need of foster parents that, unless we spoke up, we would be put in that position again - that it would no longer be about what God had specifically called us to! I said, "If we don't say that we DON'T want to do this, we will do this by default. It would be like going out in the rain and saying, 'if God doesn't want me to get wet, I won't...OF COURSE I am going to get wet! I am out in the rain!'" SEE? That is a great argument. I mean really good. But. Kevin won. He pulled the trump card and asked, "Well, do you think God is asking us to do something different?" UG!!!! Nope. No, I did not. And, I had to honor my husband's wisdom. I reluctantly agreed, but it was only until I waited for God to "show me that we are supposed to do something different."
Today. I realized today the hole in my theory. My argument was full of flaws. How little is my faith?? Wow. I realize today that God has asked me to walk right out into the rain, showing me that I won't get wet. Not a single drop...not even a mist. I will stay as dry as a bone. I realized today that Peter was asked to get right out of that boat. He wasn't going to drown, sink, or even need swim trunks!
“Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:29-31
So what happened? Well, the story in our adoption is far from over. But the social worker did call and tell us that we were not supposed to have received the call for Mattie (but I know we were...God had a plan) and that we would not get any more calls unless they were screened by her. As a matter of fact, she still had some things to complete for our adoption and we wouldn't get anymore calls until they were done. Those things are almost done now. She still has a few loose ends to tie up, but we are now somewhat expecting calls. (obviously.) What would God have us do? Walk out...out of the boat or into the rain. We won't get wet until we doubt. I need to stop trusting in my own understanding and keep my eyes focused on Him. ME! Me of little faith! Why do I doubt. (Oh how the Lord speaks!)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
He Lights My Path
On Katie's birthday, we got "the call." (again) This time it was for a 10 month old little girl and a 3 (almost 4) year old little guy. I was so excited! We had to wait almost a week to meet them! UG! Finally, we met them and had the disclosure meeting. We even set up a plan for the transition into our home. Then we had Thanksgiving...The transition was going nicely, the kids were excited. I even bought a couple of Christmas gifts and started getting the rooms ready. I was more excited because I had just rearranged the rooms so that they would be perfect for these two (and that was before I even knew about them!) We. Were. So. Excited!!! (BUT! I was still a bit guarded.)
When we got the call, I just didn't "feel it." I know, I know...you are probably thinking that I was guarding my heart because of Mattie. That is exactly what I told myself! The thing is: I really love kids. All kids. So, I really loved these kids too! They are so super cute, and very sweet. The darling little girl didn't cry and the little guy was so very shy. My heart melted! When we met them, my mind went over all the reasons that they would be a perfect fit for our family. They really would! But, we left the meeting and I had a pit in my stomach. Mattie. I was sure that was it. The social workers said that this was going to be a higher risk placement. That things were looking positive for an adoption, but that it wasn't a sure thing yet. The bio-mom was trying really hard, but she was probably just not capable of parenting them. My heart broke for her and for her little guy who misses her terribly.
We had our visits, but I just didn't "feel" it. Did I mention how awesome these kids are?? LOVE them. I just don't want you to think the kids weren't great! I connected to them after the first visit. I just couldn't wrap my mind around them as my kids. I had a million excuses.
Thankfully, on the drive home, I decided to pray. Kevin even asked me if I was sure that this is what I think God has for us. I was sure...that God has adoption for us...but was I sure this exact situation? I just knew God had asked me to say, " yes" and trust Him. So, I said, "yes."
I knew there was a court date today. I didn't believe anything would be decided or that anything would change. (No one really thought that there would be any change at all. It was just a standard hearing that bio-mom was protesting some recommendations by the social worker.) I prayed specifically that I would get an answer today. I prayed fervently the first day, then as the days went by, I prayed as it came to my mind (often) and I continued to pray even until today (although it came to my mind less and less.)
Kevin called. Social Worker said that the judge made a ruling today that is going to reunify the little guy. That means that the baby will also reunify at some point. Social Worker doesn't think this is a permanent decision and that the bio-mom probably won't be able to parent, but that it is going to be a very long process with lots of transitions. I wasn't surprised. I know that since I am writing this now, it seems easy to see the path - more like a well lit freeway, but I did see those dim lights that are now so bright in the rear-view mirror! There were hints with Mattie too. I just chose to ignore them. This time I listened. Not just as a pessimist, but as someone who was looking. Maybe, maybe it was because of Mattie that I chose to see what God had laid before me. Maybe that is one of the many blessings I have from the time she was with us.
God. Amazing. Comforting. Protecting. Answering. He knew. He showed me. I wasn't listening very carefully and yet I was still able to have a foreshadowing of what was to come. I don't believe God shows me the future, but I know He guards my heart and gives me some hints of what is to come when He feels that I could use it. He is so good. We got a call for a little guy right before we got the call for our first adoption. We just knew that the first little guy wasn't supposed to be ours. We would have LOVED him! (I DO love him, since my friend ended up adopting him!) It is funny how eager God is to participate with us. It never ceases to amaze me that He would be interested in each little detail. But He is! I asked for something. It would have been completely understandable if I didn't get an answer today. He didn't need to tell me anything. But He did. He did just as I asked because He loves me that much. He did, probably because He knew even better than me what I needed to know and when. God's love abounds. Knowing this, it is easier to go back to waiting. Knowing HIS perfect timing is just not yet.
When we got the call, I just didn't "feel it." I know, I know...you are probably thinking that I was guarding my heart because of Mattie. That is exactly what I told myself! The thing is: I really love kids. All kids. So, I really loved these kids too! They are so super cute, and very sweet. The darling little girl didn't cry and the little guy was so very shy. My heart melted! When we met them, my mind went over all the reasons that they would be a perfect fit for our family. They really would! But, we left the meeting and I had a pit in my stomach. Mattie. I was sure that was it. The social workers said that this was going to be a higher risk placement. That things were looking positive for an adoption, but that it wasn't a sure thing yet. The bio-mom was trying really hard, but she was probably just not capable of parenting them. My heart broke for her and for her little guy who misses her terribly.
We had our visits, but I just didn't "feel" it. Did I mention how awesome these kids are?? LOVE them. I just don't want you to think the kids weren't great! I connected to them after the first visit. I just couldn't wrap my mind around them as my kids. I had a million excuses.
Thankfully, on the drive home, I decided to pray. Kevin even asked me if I was sure that this is what I think God has for us. I was sure...that God has adoption for us...but was I sure this exact situation? I just knew God had asked me to say, " yes" and trust Him. So, I said, "yes."
I knew there was a court date today. I didn't believe anything would be decided or that anything would change. (No one really thought that there would be any change at all. It was just a standard hearing that bio-mom was protesting some recommendations by the social worker.) I prayed specifically that I would get an answer today. I prayed fervently the first day, then as the days went by, I prayed as it came to my mind (often) and I continued to pray even until today (although it came to my mind less and less.)
Kevin called. Social Worker said that the judge made a ruling today that is going to reunify the little guy. That means that the baby will also reunify at some point. Social Worker doesn't think this is a permanent decision and that the bio-mom probably won't be able to parent, but that it is going to be a very long process with lots of transitions. I wasn't surprised. I know that since I am writing this now, it seems easy to see the path - more like a well lit freeway, but I did see those dim lights that are now so bright in the rear-view mirror! There were hints with Mattie too. I just chose to ignore them. This time I listened. Not just as a pessimist, but as someone who was looking. Maybe, maybe it was because of Mattie that I chose to see what God had laid before me. Maybe that is one of the many blessings I have from the time she was with us.
God. Amazing. Comforting. Protecting. Answering. He knew. He showed me. I wasn't listening very carefully and yet I was still able to have a foreshadowing of what was to come. I don't believe God shows me the future, but I know He guards my heart and gives me some hints of what is to come when He feels that I could use it. He is so good. We got a call for a little guy right before we got the call for our first adoption. We just knew that the first little guy wasn't supposed to be ours. We would have LOVED him! (I DO love him, since my friend ended up adopting him!) It is funny how eager God is to participate with us. It never ceases to amaze me that He would be interested in each little detail. But He is! I asked for something. It would have been completely understandable if I didn't get an answer today. He didn't need to tell me anything. But He did. He did just as I asked because He loves me that much. He did, probably because He knew even better than me what I needed to know and when. God's love abounds. Knowing this, it is easier to go back to waiting. Knowing HIS perfect timing is just not yet.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Fasting
It has been a while since I took the time to fast. I like to let fasting be "God led," but I also know that I can easily ignore God's prompting if I get too busy. So, last week I had just the tiniest inclination to fast for the day. There was no real reason, but there were several small things. After I had decided to spend that particular day fasting, a friend had asked for prayer. I felt that it was a confirmation.
As I fasted and prayed throughout the day, my hungry tummy reminded me of the One who is the Provider of all! As I was laying my burdens before Him and resting in His goodness. I started to think and ponder the idea of prayer and fasting. One thing I am sure of: God is NOT a vending machine. We do NOT input our requests, do a series of good deeds, and then have our desires met. I know that the bible often talks of our faith being large enough to get what we want, and that we don't have because we do not ask. (Matthew 17:20 and James 4:2-3) I am just not up for a theological discussion about this tonight, but I feel pretty safe to say that we are sure to get things we ask for when we ask for them with a faith that is aligned to God's will. (Probably not for our own selfish desires - although, I have seen those prayers answered too...)
Why fasting, then??? I was talking to God that day about money. I had to spend some money on clothes for my little guy and I knew it was going to be expensive. I knew what he needed and I went into the store with a pretty good idea of what that would all cost (if I was very careful). When I was done, I spent 1/2 of what I thought. Because I was fasting and praying about it (I know it might seem like a silly thing to pray about, but I believe there is nothing to small for God to care about) I realized that God did that! God took care of my little problems, so that I can continue to trust Him for the big ones. If I hadn't been fasting and praying, I would have missed the blessing of seeing His work in my life.
Other prayers were answered that day and it seems He called me to fast the next day as well. Once I set my mind and heart to listening to His leading, it seems I hear it much more clearly. I don't believe that when I fast, God listens more, but I do believe that when I fast, I listen more! One day, I am sure God will show me so much more about this system He put in place. Hopefully, I will be listening!
As I fasted and prayed throughout the day, my hungry tummy reminded me of the One who is the Provider of all! As I was laying my burdens before Him and resting in His goodness. I started to think and ponder the idea of prayer and fasting. One thing I am sure of: God is NOT a vending machine. We do NOT input our requests, do a series of good deeds, and then have our desires met. I know that the bible often talks of our faith being large enough to get what we want, and that we don't have because we do not ask. (Matthew 17:20 and James 4:2-3) I am just not up for a theological discussion about this tonight, but I feel pretty safe to say that we are sure to get things we ask for when we ask for them with a faith that is aligned to God's will. (Probably not for our own selfish desires - although, I have seen those prayers answered too...)
Why fasting, then??? I was talking to God that day about money. I had to spend some money on clothes for my little guy and I knew it was going to be expensive. I knew what he needed and I went into the store with a pretty good idea of what that would all cost (if I was very careful). When I was done, I spent 1/2 of what I thought. Because I was fasting and praying about it (I know it might seem like a silly thing to pray about, but I believe there is nothing to small for God to care about) I realized that God did that! God took care of my little problems, so that I can continue to trust Him for the big ones. If I hadn't been fasting and praying, I would have missed the blessing of seeing His work in my life.
Other prayers were answered that day and it seems He called me to fast the next day as well. Once I set my mind and heart to listening to His leading, it seems I hear it much more clearly. I don't believe that when I fast, God listens more, but I do believe that when I fast, I listen more! One day, I am sure God will show me so much more about this system He put in place. Hopefully, I will be listening!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
His Name, Not in Vain
One more hour of sleep. That's really all I wanted. I knew I should get up because she would be disoriented in our home. At 97 years old, everything new came with shock and confusion for her. Everything seemed scary. None of the current possibilities included the safe harbor of her home.
One fall was all it took. The knee went out and the medicine stopped the blood from clotting. The hematoma grew and the worry set in. The doctor's medicated. The healing takes time. Then another fall. Middle of the night. The medicine could be the problem. One more night and one more fall and it was decided. She comes here. To our home. "But you have your family" she argued. "You are my family," we replied. She convinced us of one more try. Cousin stayed with her and all was well. Then it happened again. The final fall. No one was going to hear her arguments now. She was coming with us. She gave no arguments. She was ready.
As we wait to take in another orphan (or orphan siblings), we are confronted with a widow. We laugh. When God said to take care of the widows and orphans, we didn't know He meant "AT THE SAME TIME!" As we chose to say, "yes" to grandma living in our home, we said, "yes" to God. We took His name when He unselfishly gave it to us on the cross. With His name, we knew that meant everything. We took His name and said, "yes" to Him. We may not have understood at the time what that would mean in our lives, but we are living His name. We are completely blessed to be drawn closer to Him through those he calls "the least of these." We do not deserve this honor and so many would miss the blessing, but for us, we did NOT take His name in vain.
One fall was all it took. The knee went out and the medicine stopped the blood from clotting. The hematoma grew and the worry set in. The doctor's medicated. The healing takes time. Then another fall. Middle of the night. The medicine could be the problem. One more night and one more fall and it was decided. She comes here. To our home. "But you have your family" she argued. "You are my family," we replied. She convinced us of one more try. Cousin stayed with her and all was well. Then it happened again. The final fall. No one was going to hear her arguments now. She was coming with us. She gave no arguments. She was ready.
As we wait to take in another orphan (or orphan siblings), we are confronted with a widow. We laugh. When God said to take care of the widows and orphans, we didn't know He meant "AT THE SAME TIME!" As we chose to say, "yes" to grandma living in our home, we said, "yes" to God. We took His name when He unselfishly gave it to us on the cross. With His name, we knew that meant everything. We took His name and said, "yes" to Him. We may not have understood at the time what that would mean in our lives, but we are living His name. We are completely blessed to be drawn closer to Him through those he calls "the least of these." We do not deserve this honor and so many would miss the blessing, but for us, we did NOT take His name in vain.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Picked for the Team!
"Who is the best basketball player, ever?" I asked my son.
"Micheal Jordan." He answered without much thought.
"If he called you today and asked you to be on his team would you do it?"
"YES!" He said like I was crazy to ask.
"What if you had to move, live in a cardboard box, would you do pretty much anything in your power to be on that team?" I asked
A succession of Yeses followed each question without hesitation. Undoubtedly, he would do anything in his power to be on that team.
"Would you feel like you were helping Micheal Jordan by being on that team?"
"No." Again, looking at me like I was insane.
"Well, that is what I feel like when God asks me to be on His team - I am not helping, and it is a privilege, and I am willing to do anything to be on it. See, working for God is not serving Him, it is Him serving me with the privilege of letting me participate."
I am not sure he completely got it, but I hope so.
Sometimes, I am ready to pull my hair out in frustration. I whisper up a quiet prayer asking God to please accept this sacrifice I am making. Please accept my offering of love and exhaustion. But really, is this an offering that I am giving Him? When God offers us the gift of work, do we do it as if it is a blessing to US??? Is my offering an offering of thanks and praise for allowing me to have the opportunity at the hard things that sometimes come with the work He has given me?
This thought was something God was challenging me with the other night. I think of my "work for the Lord" sometimes as a gift to Him, and it is in a sense, because it pleases Him to have my focus on him and my whole heart given over to Him...Big problem here though...I am not doing it to SERVE Him. This is a weird sort of splitting of hairs, maybe, but I feel like it is a bigger issue and one I am wrestling with right now.
There are reasons for working:
To accomplish something we want done (self-serving)
To earn a reward (also self-serving)
To help someone (other-serving)
To be allowed to participate in something greater than our self (God serving us!)
The last one is tricky...I always saw my "work for the Lord" as a gift to Him...but I think underlying that thought was that I was "helping" Him. What a foolish notion!!! God - the same who created all the earth, set the mountains exactly the way HE wanted them. Made the bacteria that I cannot see with my eyes. Knows the number of hair on my head and the stars in the sky. Understands all unexplainable phenomena. DOESN'T NEED MY HELP! What is sad is that I didn't even realize that I had been thinking like this until I tried thinking about it in the way I believe God wants me to think about it.
Did God need Jonah to talk to the people of Nineveh? Doubt it! Did Jonah need God to send him to Nineveh to make some major corrections? YUP!
Did God need Noah to build the ark? NOPE. Did Noah need to build the Ark to learn some mighty big lessons? I think yes.
Did God need Moses to lead the people? Ha! NO WAY! Did Moses need to learn to lead the people and did the people need to learn from Moses? OH YEAH!
Did God need John the Baptist to baptize all those people? No. Were John the Baptist and the people rewarded and brought closer to God through doing that work? Of course!
I need to reread my Bible with this in mind to see how each person's work really granted them the closeness with the Lord and how they received abundant GRACE!
I believe God gifts us with work. We just participate in what He is already doing. First and always, our work Glorifies Him but then it helps grow us into the people who reflect Him. I realize that the work I am doing is not for me to give to God, but a gift from God to me! I get to see His glory through helping His people. It is so amazing when I think about it this way. It is no longer self-serving, but God serving me. Wow! No matter how hard I try to "earn Grace," I am adding to my debt because only more Grace is given. When I serve the Lord, my most wonderful reward is the opportunity to be with Him in a real and alive way. I get that through reading my Bible, through the messages from church, and from the stories of other believers, but the most enjoyable way is through working along with the Lord who uses my clumsy hands, my unskilled body, my unlearned ideas, and my inexperience and creates beauty. He does make beautiful things out of the dust!
And what if I refuse the call to work? Luke 19:40 shows me just how unneeded I am: “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”
"Micheal Jordan." He answered without much thought.
"If he called you today and asked you to be on his team would you do it?"
"YES!" He said like I was crazy to ask.
"What if you had to move, live in a cardboard box, would you do pretty much anything in your power to be on that team?" I asked
A succession of Yeses followed each question without hesitation. Undoubtedly, he would do anything in his power to be on that team.
"Would you feel like you were helping Micheal Jordan by being on that team?"
"No." Again, looking at me like I was insane.
"Well, that is what I feel like when God asks me to be on His team - I am not helping, and it is a privilege, and I am willing to do anything to be on it. See, working for God is not serving Him, it is Him serving me with the privilege of letting me participate."
I am not sure he completely got it, but I hope so.
Sometimes, I am ready to pull my hair out in frustration. I whisper up a quiet prayer asking God to please accept this sacrifice I am making. Please accept my offering of love and exhaustion. But really, is this an offering that I am giving Him? When God offers us the gift of work, do we do it as if it is a blessing to US??? Is my offering an offering of thanks and praise for allowing me to have the opportunity at the hard things that sometimes come with the work He has given me?
This thought was something God was challenging me with the other night. I think of my "work for the Lord" sometimes as a gift to Him, and it is in a sense, because it pleases Him to have my focus on him and my whole heart given over to Him...Big problem here though...I am not doing it to SERVE Him. This is a weird sort of splitting of hairs, maybe, but I feel like it is a bigger issue and one I am wrestling with right now.
There are reasons for working:
To accomplish something we want done (self-serving)
To earn a reward (also self-serving)
To help someone (other-serving)
To be allowed to participate in something greater than our self (God serving us!)
The last one is tricky...I always saw my "work for the Lord" as a gift to Him...but I think underlying that thought was that I was "helping" Him. What a foolish notion!!! God - the same who created all the earth, set the mountains exactly the way HE wanted them. Made the bacteria that I cannot see with my eyes. Knows the number of hair on my head and the stars in the sky. Understands all unexplainable phenomena. DOESN'T NEED MY HELP! What is sad is that I didn't even realize that I had been thinking like this until I tried thinking about it in the way I believe God wants me to think about it.
Did God need Jonah to talk to the people of Nineveh? Doubt it! Did Jonah need God to send him to Nineveh to make some major corrections? YUP!
Did God need Noah to build the ark? NOPE. Did Noah need to build the Ark to learn some mighty big lessons? I think yes.
Did God need Moses to lead the people? Ha! NO WAY! Did Moses need to learn to lead the people and did the people need to learn from Moses? OH YEAH!
Did God need John the Baptist to baptize all those people? No. Were John the Baptist and the people rewarded and brought closer to God through doing that work? Of course!
I need to reread my Bible with this in mind to see how each person's work really granted them the closeness with the Lord and how they received abundant GRACE!
I believe God gifts us with work. We just participate in what He is already doing. First and always, our work Glorifies Him but then it helps grow us into the people who reflect Him. I realize that the work I am doing is not for me to give to God, but a gift from God to me! I get to see His glory through helping His people. It is so amazing when I think about it this way. It is no longer self-serving, but God serving me. Wow! No matter how hard I try to "earn Grace," I am adding to my debt because only more Grace is given. When I serve the Lord, my most wonderful reward is the opportunity to be with Him in a real and alive way. I get that through reading my Bible, through the messages from church, and from the stories of other believers, but the most enjoyable way is through working along with the Lord who uses my clumsy hands, my unskilled body, my unlearned ideas, and my inexperience and creates beauty. He does make beautiful things out of the dust!
And what if I refuse the call to work? Luke 19:40 shows me just how unneeded I am: “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Taking up my Cross
Today as I sat in church, I felt the Lord making clear a passage that I had, before, not completely understood and then (as is His way in my life) He confirmed in the message the pastor was sharing.
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23
This is a fairly common verse and the times I have read / heard it were many. Most times I don't know that I gave it much thought, but I know the times I did think about it, I was simply wrong.
I wondered...how to follow a god who asks us to DENY myself and take up a CROSS DAILY?!? That seemed next to impossible. The few times I have tried (really tried) to deny myself, I failed. I always related this to an attempt at a diet. Like: Deny myself a doughnut or pizza. Certainly, I was NOT capable of self-denial. Then: How in the world was I going to take up a cross daily!?! Really? I know how hard it is to do "hard" and my guess is that taking up a cross is beyond any "hard" I have ever done and to do that daily??? I can't even do sit-ups everyday!
Then. I had trouble reconciling it to: Matthew 11:28 - 30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Today, though Gods yoke was easy. I did learn from Him. I realized that in order to take up my cross, I can't possibly carry anything of my own. If I have my own burdens, then the cross will sit there. It isn't until I lay those things down at the cross that I will be able to then lift it up. (Deny myself! AH!!! Nothing to do with doughnuts!) Also, to lift a cross and move it would take complete focus on the task at hand. It would be big, heavy, cumbersome. I think I would have to focus on each step, going slowly, looking only directly at the path I am traveling. I would not be able to look around and get distracted without getting injured. (I get it: focus on HIM daily). Then, maybe the verses in Matthew compliment this. Now, I think as I would walk down God's path with my cross, I would realize it is lighter and lighter. When I looked up I would see Christ is carrying my cross for me. I would have rest for my soul and my burden would be light. I would be denying the things that get in the way, but I have to do this "daily" or constantly because if I get busy with being busy, I will miss out. First my burden will get heavy, I could get hurt, and then I might drop the cross all together to focus back on myself. I follow You Lord!
Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. Luke 9:23
This is a fairly common verse and the times I have read / heard it were many. Most times I don't know that I gave it much thought, but I know the times I did think about it, I was simply wrong.
I wondered...how to follow a god who asks us to DENY myself and take up a CROSS DAILY?!? That seemed next to impossible. The few times I have tried (really tried) to deny myself, I failed. I always related this to an attempt at a diet. Like: Deny myself a doughnut or pizza. Certainly, I was NOT capable of self-denial. Then: How in the world was I going to take up a cross daily!?! Really? I know how hard it is to do "hard" and my guess is that taking up a cross is beyond any "hard" I have ever done and to do that daily??? I can't even do sit-ups everyday!
Then. I had trouble reconciling it to: Matthew 11:28 - 30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Today, though Gods yoke was easy. I did learn from Him. I realized that in order to take up my cross, I can't possibly carry anything of my own. If I have my own burdens, then the cross will sit there. It isn't until I lay those things down at the cross that I will be able to then lift it up. (Deny myself! AH!!! Nothing to do with doughnuts!) Also, to lift a cross and move it would take complete focus on the task at hand. It would be big, heavy, cumbersome. I think I would have to focus on each step, going slowly, looking only directly at the path I am traveling. I would not be able to look around and get distracted without getting injured. (I get it: focus on HIM daily). Then, maybe the verses in Matthew compliment this. Now, I think as I would walk down God's path with my cross, I would realize it is lighter and lighter. When I looked up I would see Christ is carrying my cross for me. I would have rest for my soul and my burden would be light. I would be denying the things that get in the way, but I have to do this "daily" or constantly because if I get busy with being busy, I will miss out. First my burden will get heavy, I could get hurt, and then I might drop the cross all together to focus back on myself. I follow You Lord!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Letting Go to Receive Grace
Praying again for knowledge, for direction, for how much of my input I give to this situation. I ask Kevin and he replies that we wait and trust the Lord.
"But what if we have to go through that again?" I ask!
"Then we go through that again. Are you saying that you would say 'no' if you think God is asking you to do something?" Kevin had a ready reply.
UG! Of course I am not going to say no. That is the problem. My sneaky self tries to find a way to control the situation so that I am not asked. I am afraid of being asked to do that hard thing.
God spoke. Again.and.Again.and.Again.
"Your ways are not My ways." "Lean not on your own understanding." "The beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord." Straight from HIS mouth in HIS Word.
I confessed my desire to control this situation and letting fear take the place of God's provision. God reminded me that HE was in control I heard it in the music, I heard it in a sermon, I heard it on a CD about God's GRACE! (I didn't expect to hear it there!!!) God has made it clear. He is the author of this story. I am privileged to be allowed a glimpse of His goodness.
I finally relinquished my battle and submitted my will to His, even with the knowledge that I may find what I need to do to be very hard. God, being the great, awesome, powerful, kind, thoughtful, and knowing God that He is gave me a gift. As I fretted about the next phone call that would bring the next placement whether I was ready or not, God brought the phone call. The call that said we would not be placed until after the rest of our adoption paperwork was done (a new rule in this process) and that the placement wouldn't come unless it went through our adoption worker (who intimately knows what our hopes are!) If the call about Mattie came today, we wouldn't have been placed with her. (I am so totally sure God needed us to care for her!) I feel like as soon as I let go, God showed me how He was controlling this situation all along. What an awesome and loving God we serve. He didn't have to show me any of this. He could have let me believe that any minute we could get a call and be back on that same roller coaster but through His grace and mercy, he shared a bit of information that gave me such peace. In the words of our social worker, "That was a great thing you guys were willing to do, but I think it's time to get you some keepers!" God never promised things wouldn't be hard. But the hard things aren't nearly as hard when you relinquish your will to His and allow Him to work all things for His glory. (I will talk about "hard" later - because reading "it is hard" and living "it is hard" are really two very different things),
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5,6
"But what if we have to go through that again?" I ask!
"Then we go through that again. Are you saying that you would say 'no' if you think God is asking you to do something?" Kevin had a ready reply.
UG! Of course I am not going to say no. That is the problem. My sneaky self tries to find a way to control the situation so that I am not asked. I am afraid of being asked to do that hard thing.
God spoke. Again.and.Again.and.Again.
"Your ways are not My ways." "Lean not on your own understanding." "The beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord." Straight from HIS mouth in HIS Word.
I confessed my desire to control this situation and letting fear take the place of God's provision. God reminded me that HE was in control I heard it in the music, I heard it in a sermon, I heard it on a CD about God's GRACE! (I didn't expect to hear it there!!!) God has made it clear. He is the author of this story. I am privileged to be allowed a glimpse of His goodness.
I finally relinquished my battle and submitted my will to His, even with the knowledge that I may find what I need to do to be very hard. God, being the great, awesome, powerful, kind, thoughtful, and knowing God that He is gave me a gift. As I fretted about the next phone call that would bring the next placement whether I was ready or not, God brought the phone call. The call that said we would not be placed until after the rest of our adoption paperwork was done (a new rule in this process) and that the placement wouldn't come unless it went through our adoption worker (who intimately knows what our hopes are!) If the call about Mattie came today, we wouldn't have been placed with her. (I am so totally sure God needed us to care for her!) I feel like as soon as I let go, God showed me how He was controlling this situation all along. What an awesome and loving God we serve. He didn't have to show me any of this. He could have let me believe that any minute we could get a call and be back on that same roller coaster but through His grace and mercy, he shared a bit of information that gave me such peace. In the words of our social worker, "That was a great thing you guys were willing to do, but I think it's time to get you some keepers!" God never promised things wouldn't be hard. But the hard things aren't nearly as hard when you relinquish your will to His and allow Him to work all things for His glory. (I will talk about "hard" later - because reading "it is hard" and living "it is hard" are really two very different things),
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5,6
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The Earth is Shaking!
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20
Does anyone else feel the trembling? I do. God is busy in the business of moving some mountains and I can't wait to see the new landscape. So many interesting things have happened that lead me to beleive that His great and mighty power is at work in and around my life. I will rejoice!
Does anyone else feel the trembling? I do. God is busy in the business of moving some mountains and I can't wait to see the new landscape. So many interesting things have happened that lead me to beleive that His great and mighty power is at work in and around my life. I will rejoice!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Big Picture
Fighting, war, combat, conflict, battle, strategy. These are the things in our life. Sometimes the battle is upfront and visible, sometimes we are battling the unseen powers of darkness. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
Is it any wonder that my kids are acting up? Is it any wonder that I am getting distracted. The enemy of our souls isn't dumb. He didn't just come into this world. His practices have been around for generations! It isn't any wonder that he finds our weakness. As we battle for the orphans, for our family and for others in the process, it is no wonder that we are coming under attack. We MUST be doing something RIGHT!
Two battles are in progress. The battles will be won, but we have to keep an eternal focus. First: The battle for the hearts of my kids. They are struggling and hurting with the loss of the baby. They don't want to continue on this painful journey and experience that pain again, but they can't help the pull they feel toward bringing in another orphan who has nothing and no one. They have a desire to bring another brother or sister to Christ. So, although it is painful and although it is scary, they persevere in the adoption process along with us. Their behavior is hard sometimes for all of us, but it is their way of working through it. I need to remember that. The second battle is the one that is the toughest for me: Control. With the loss of little Mattie, my heart aches. Oh how I loved having a baby again! I love her, and I am glad she is not an orphan, but I miss having a little baby. The chances of us being placed with a baby are so slim. I realize that we might not get the privilege of having another one. BUT! I have resolved a health issue that may have kept me from being able to carry a baby to term. I know I am able to have a baby and I am pretty confident that I could have another biological child. If I have any problems, I am very confident that medical intervention would solve that problem. I am sure this is a very powerful distraction from my enemy. He would love to use the resources I have to chase after a biological baby instead of bringing in a child who needs care now. He would love for me to ignore the kids that are dying. This post is NOT for everyone. This is only what God has in MY life. I am confident that we were done having biological children. I am confident that was from God. Babies were not even something I was seeking until Mattie came along. I have to keep my eyes focused on the eternal mission God has given me. The mission of bringing in orphans and giving them a family. I am praying, just in case God has another plan for me, but for now, I believe we are on the right track.
The battle will be won. The eternal focus will help me battle the struggles in my heart, but God's power will do the rest. I lay it all before Him, relying on Him to win it for me. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. Ephesians 1:18-21
Is it any wonder that my kids are acting up? Is it any wonder that I am getting distracted. The enemy of our souls isn't dumb. He didn't just come into this world. His practices have been around for generations! It isn't any wonder that he finds our weakness. As we battle for the orphans, for our family and for others in the process, it is no wonder that we are coming under attack. We MUST be doing something RIGHT!
Two battles are in progress. The battles will be won, but we have to keep an eternal focus. First: The battle for the hearts of my kids. They are struggling and hurting with the loss of the baby. They don't want to continue on this painful journey and experience that pain again, but they can't help the pull they feel toward bringing in another orphan who has nothing and no one. They have a desire to bring another brother or sister to Christ. So, although it is painful and although it is scary, they persevere in the adoption process along with us. Their behavior is hard sometimes for all of us, but it is their way of working through it. I need to remember that. The second battle is the one that is the toughest for me: Control. With the loss of little Mattie, my heart aches. Oh how I loved having a baby again! I love her, and I am glad she is not an orphan, but I miss having a little baby. The chances of us being placed with a baby are so slim. I realize that we might not get the privilege of having another one. BUT! I have resolved a health issue that may have kept me from being able to carry a baby to term. I know I am able to have a baby and I am pretty confident that I could have another biological child. If I have any problems, I am very confident that medical intervention would solve that problem. I am sure this is a very powerful distraction from my enemy. He would love to use the resources I have to chase after a biological baby instead of bringing in a child who needs care now. He would love for me to ignore the kids that are dying. This post is NOT for everyone. This is only what God has in MY life. I am confident that we were done having biological children. I am confident that was from God. Babies were not even something I was seeking until Mattie came along. I have to keep my eyes focused on the eternal mission God has given me. The mission of bringing in orphans and giving them a family. I am praying, just in case God has another plan for me, but for now, I believe we are on the right track.
The battle will be won. The eternal focus will help me battle the struggles in my heart, but God's power will do the rest. I lay it all before Him, relying on Him to win it for me. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. Ephesians 1:18-21
Monday, September 19, 2011
Our Goodbye Letter to Mattie
Our Sweet Little Girl,
We were so blessed to have you in our lives, even if it was for such a short time. We believe that you have an amazing story and I am thankful we were part of it!
I want you to know how I have seen God work already in your wonderful little life. You were a surprise! I don’t know how your mom came to make the decisions she made, but I am thankful she decided to grow you in her belly and find people to care for you once you were born! I am also thankful that your daddy was able to find you and that he had a passion for you from the start!
While you were growing in your mommy’s belly, we were planning on having more children come into our family. We wanted to take care of someone that didn’t have a mommy or daddy to take care of them. We had to do a lot of work and talk to a lot of Social Workers. During this, we prayed every day that God would place just the right person or people in our family. We had been feeling like we were supposed to talk to the social workers about some ideas God had been placing in our hearts. At first, we only wanted to have a child who was already ready to be adopted. That might have meant that a child would probably have to live in more than one place before joining our family. One the same day, we both felt like we were supposed to offer our home to someone who is still trying to find their biological family. The very next day, the social worker asked us if we would be willing to do JUST THAT! Of course, we said yes. Then, we were worried about taking care of children who might have special needs; Which meant that we had to know that child’s full background before we agreed to bring him or her into our home. We had prayed again, still feeling God’s gentle pulling that something wasn’t right and we came together during a discussion agreeing that we do NOT need to know about the background of a child. If there was a child who needed a home, we had a home for that child. About a week later we got a call about you!
If we had gotten the call any sooner, we might have said no and missed the wonderful blessing that you are! We were told that we might get to adopt you, but that you might have a daddy who was looking for you! We prayed every day that we could adopt you, but that if you had a daddy who was looking for you, that he would be able to find you and care for you forever! We are so thankful that you have a daddy who fought for you and who will take care of you forever! We didn’t know a thing about you, so if we got the call earlier, we might have been worried. How would we know you were so very PERFECT!!! Just a wonderful and beautiful baby girl. Because we didn’t know if anyone had taken care of you, we were extra careful to make sure you were well cared for. We made sure you were monitored at all times. One night, the alarm on your monitor went off that meant you hadn’t been breathing. I jumped up and picked you up right away. You were fine, but I was so thankful for that monitor. I will never know why God chose us to care for you while your daddy was fighting for you, maybe it was just for that one night with the monitor to keep you alive or maybe it was to give you lots of love and care to help you grow until you could go home forever.
For whatever reason He chose, we are thankful that God placed you in our lives. I pray that you and your daddy will enjoy each other. I know your family is going to love you. Forever, I hope you know how much we love you and pray for you. I know that you are very important to God for all of these things to have happened. I hope you know how special you are!
We were so blessed to have you in our lives, even if it was for such a short time. We believe that you have an amazing story and I am thankful we were part of it!
I want you to know how I have seen God work already in your wonderful little life. You were a surprise! I don’t know how your mom came to make the decisions she made, but I am thankful she decided to grow you in her belly and find people to care for you once you were born! I am also thankful that your daddy was able to find you and that he had a passion for you from the start!
While you were growing in your mommy’s belly, we were planning on having more children come into our family. We wanted to take care of someone that didn’t have a mommy or daddy to take care of them. We had to do a lot of work and talk to a lot of Social Workers. During this, we prayed every day that God would place just the right person or people in our family. We had been feeling like we were supposed to talk to the social workers about some ideas God had been placing in our hearts. At first, we only wanted to have a child who was already ready to be adopted. That might have meant that a child would probably have to live in more than one place before joining our family. One the same day, we both felt like we were supposed to offer our home to someone who is still trying to find their biological family. The very next day, the social worker asked us if we would be willing to do JUST THAT! Of course, we said yes. Then, we were worried about taking care of children who might have special needs; Which meant that we had to know that child’s full background before we agreed to bring him or her into our home. We had prayed again, still feeling God’s gentle pulling that something wasn’t right and we came together during a discussion agreeing that we do NOT need to know about the background of a child. If there was a child who needed a home, we had a home for that child. About a week later we got a call about you!
If we had gotten the call any sooner, we might have said no and missed the wonderful blessing that you are! We were told that we might get to adopt you, but that you might have a daddy who was looking for you! We prayed every day that we could adopt you, but that if you had a daddy who was looking for you, that he would be able to find you and care for you forever! We are so thankful that you have a daddy who fought for you and who will take care of you forever! We didn’t know a thing about you, so if we got the call earlier, we might have been worried. How would we know you were so very PERFECT!!! Just a wonderful and beautiful baby girl. Because we didn’t know if anyone had taken care of you, we were extra careful to make sure you were well cared for. We made sure you were monitored at all times. One night, the alarm on your monitor went off that meant you hadn’t been breathing. I jumped up and picked you up right away. You were fine, but I was so thankful for that monitor. I will never know why God chose us to care for you while your daddy was fighting for you, maybe it was just for that one night with the monitor to keep you alive or maybe it was to give you lots of love and care to help you grow until you could go home forever.
For whatever reason He chose, we are thankful that God placed you in our lives. I pray that you and your daddy will enjoy each other. I know your family is going to love you. Forever, I hope you know how much we love you and pray for you. I know that you are very important to God for all of these things to have happened. I hope you know how special you are!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Mattie
What an awesome God we serve! And, what a difference a day makes. I realize that when I am focused on myself, my desires, my pain, all I see are those things. If I am focused on the Lord, He gives me the gift of seeing beyond those things into His perfect will. Those things are not taken from me, but they are made perfect in His plan. How wonderful and special I must be for Him to work in my life like this.
I got to spend time with my little girl's daddy today. He is such a nice person who loves his daughter beyond belief. I was considering that God gifts us with the children in our lives, but never promises to give us the number of days we will spend with them. We believe that we, as parents, should be the ones to go first, leaving our children to inherit the world. But! God has never made that promise. God has given me the time with my tiny one as a gift to me for the time I have had her and even though it was short, it was a special time. He has also given me the gift of presenting her to a loving father who wants her more than anything and loves her beyond measure. It is so much easier to surrender her to a loving father than one who would not care for her as much as I do. And that is where God showed His face to me again. Isn't it wonderful that we are gifting our children back to the One Father who loves them beyond measure? Beyond any love I could ever give? Why God has blessed me so much in showing this to me is beyond what I can understand, but I am so thankful.
She looked at me tonight with big round beautiful eyes. Fully expecting a response from me. Never doubting that I will meet every need. She coos and smiles, completely helpless and trusting. No possible way of surviving without my care and no way to love without my love, but always sure that I will be there. I want to look at God just like that. Never doubting. Never having the thought enter my mind that He won't be the provider. My first love.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 (It is fitting that her name is Maddie - but I had changed the spelling to Mattie so that her name reflected Matthew!)
I got to spend time with my little girl's daddy today. He is such a nice person who loves his daughter beyond belief. I was considering that God gifts us with the children in our lives, but never promises to give us the number of days we will spend with them. We believe that we, as parents, should be the ones to go first, leaving our children to inherit the world. But! God has never made that promise. God has given me the time with my tiny one as a gift to me for the time I have had her and even though it was short, it was a special time. He has also given me the gift of presenting her to a loving father who wants her more than anything and loves her beyond measure. It is so much easier to surrender her to a loving father than one who would not care for her as much as I do. And that is where God showed His face to me again. Isn't it wonderful that we are gifting our children back to the One Father who loves them beyond measure? Beyond any love I could ever give? Why God has blessed me so much in showing this to me is beyond what I can understand, but I am so thankful.
She looked at me tonight with big round beautiful eyes. Fully expecting a response from me. Never doubting that I will meet every need. She coos and smiles, completely helpless and trusting. No possible way of surviving without my care and no way to love without my love, but always sure that I will be there. I want to look at God just like that. Never doubting. Never having the thought enter my mind that He won't be the provider. My first love.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14 (It is fitting that her name is Maddie - but I had changed the spelling to Mattie so that her name reflected Matthew!)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Not My Will But YOURS
I have had hard birthdays in the past. My 18th, I lit my hair on fire. My 21st, my husband worked a 24 hour shift. My 35th kicked off a year of an unexplained illness and huge medical bills. 41, however, might be the hardest of them all.
How am I supposed to feel? The child of my heart is not an orphan. She has a father who loves her and wants her. We now are able to take in another true orphan or maybe more than one. She has only been with us for a month and a half. We knew her father might be out there and I like him.
Why is it then, that on my birthday this year, we go to court to hear the judge rule that she is placed in his arms forever. His daughter will go home with him. I should celebrate that she is loved and wanted. I know I should be thankful, but my heart aches for the loss for our family. She quickly has snuggled her little self into our lives and hearts and the loss will be real.
I am looking, still, for the ram in the thicket. (Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. Gen 22:13) The last ditch hope that God will take this from me. I know that it is unlikely. I look for the hope that is in Him that through this both my little girl and her daddy will come to know my Daddy and we can have an eternal reunion. Will it be that by our sacrifice they will both be saved? My selfish will would be for her to remain in our family and enjoy an open adoption and good relationship with her dad and his family. So, I still glance around for the ram in the bush, the sacrifice God will deliver at the last minute to rescue me from the pain of the loss.
How am I supposed to feel? The child of my heart is not an orphan. She has a father who loves her and wants her. We now are able to take in another true orphan or maybe more than one. She has only been with us for a month and a half. We knew her father might be out there and I like him.
Why is it then, that on my birthday this year, we go to court to hear the judge rule that she is placed in his arms forever. His daughter will go home with him. I should celebrate that she is loved and wanted. I know I should be thankful, but my heart aches for the loss for our family. She quickly has snuggled her little self into our lives and hearts and the loss will be real.
I am looking, still, for the ram in the thicket. (Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. Gen 22:13) The last ditch hope that God will take this from me. I know that it is unlikely. I look for the hope that is in Him that through this both my little girl and her daddy will come to know my Daddy and we can have an eternal reunion. Will it be that by our sacrifice they will both be saved? My selfish will would be for her to remain in our family and enjoy an open adoption and good relationship with her dad and his family. So, I still glance around for the ram in the bush, the sacrifice God will deliver at the last minute to rescue me from the pain of the loss.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."
Luke 22:42
Monday, August 29, 2011
Conviction!
"I don't want to do this again." Is the common phrase coming out of my mouth lately. I always say, "I will if God calls me, but I don't want to." (Loosely translated: I will do it with a bad attitude and a cold heart, but I'll do it.) I say, "Send me Lord, Call me." "I will do it." "Not my will, Lord, but Yours." But do I mean it? Do I mean ANYTHING You call me to Lord? Or, do I mean, anything that works in my perfect idea of what I want. This placement and possible loss has been a real "heart-opener." I have had to truly examine what I am holding onto where God is concerned. Then this verse:
Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62
Need I say more?
Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62
Need I say more?
Friday, August 26, 2011
When I Just Don't Get It
I need to write this down to keep my focus purely on God and not on the heartbreak of the situation. I know God has been in this from the beginning, seeing us through, step-by-step. I just need to remember. After that, I need to give God the Glory for all things, even the hard ones as He draws me closer to Him.
The move was completely orchestrated by the Lord. No Doubt! Once we moved, I prayed. I asked for confirmation that we were supposed to use this home to take in more children. I felt that we were on the right track.
The adoption. We have been called to care for the fatherless. We have no doubt that adoption is our calling and our service to the Lord. We began the process and God saw us through all of the busyness and chaos that ensued. We were ready and waiting.
As we waited, the Lord placed on my heart 3 little kids, one with special needs. I had looked at them a million times and all of a sudden they caught my heart. I realized that adopting them was practically impossible, but I began to pray about why God would bring them to my attention. At the same time, I had been discussing with Kevin about our "parameters" for this next adoption. We both felt that we were supposed to let go of our preconceived ideas and the next conversation we had with the social worker was about stepping outside our comfort zone and being open to a "high risk" adoption. I agreed instantly, knowing that I had been prepared for that question. My next thought was, "what are you going to bring to me Lord?"
My friend was placed with a foster baby with FAS. I loved that baby and found she was available for adoption. My thought: "Is this my daughter?" After praying about it, I really felt she wasn't meant for our family. And it seems she wasn't, but I wondered how God was using this to prepare me. I came to the conclusion that whatever call we got was going to be outside of what we were thinking and that I needed to be prepared. I assumed that meant a larger sibling group with possible older children or maybe a child or two with a special need. I felt that God was definitely stretching me and asking me to trust Him.
We got the call the day after our licence came in the mail. We were asked if we were interested in a 2 week old baby girl who was abandoned by her bio-mom and had a potential bio-dad who would be doing a DNA test. I agreed. I knew that we were going to be called for something I didn't expect and I absolutely completely and totally didn't expect this. In fact this was the last possible scenario I had ever imagined.
She is beautiful. How was it that God thought so highly of me that he would bless me with this beautiful and wonderful gift. The first few sleepless nights were torture, but I was rewarded with her baby-ness. We fell in love with her instantly. I never could wrap my mind around why God would have me serve in this way, but I felt completely blessed. I know God was in this and when I said yes, it was a yes to him, not her. I loved the idea of a baby, but had I had more time (and had not been driving around) I would have said no. I would have said no for so many reasons: I didn't really want a baby, EVERYONE wants a baby - so she should go to a family who wants just one baby, I don't want to do this high of a risk...etc. But, I said yes and I said yes to God.
We found her biological father. He wants her. I had to take her for DNA testing on Wed. and we should know for sure in a week or so, but I saw his picture and it is her father. She looks just like him. He looks like a nice man. I am so sad to lose her. I really wanted her to be my daughter, but I never want to take someone else's child. My goal is to care for orphans and if he is her father (he is) then she isn't an orphan. I am so sad. I was angry with God and I really don't want to do this again. I am pleading with Him that I don't have to. I know that when I said yes to Him, there were no promises, but like my typical self, I saw it as a sign that we were going to get a baby. God never made that promise to me and I believe I have done the work he has asked me to do. I am thankful for the time I have with her and I am thankful that she has a family who wants her. I am not happy about going through this process, but I trust that God has good in it that I may not get to see. When I first talked to Kevin about picking her up, I said, "Either God is in this or He isn't. If He is, then we are doing the right thing. If He isn't, then forget this, let's book a vacation." I trust that God is in this now as much as He was then and if He is, we are doing the right thing. God's grace is enough. He is bringing me to my knees. But, in my weakness He is strong, and I abide in Him.
The move was completely orchestrated by the Lord. No Doubt! Once we moved, I prayed. I asked for confirmation that we were supposed to use this home to take in more children. I felt that we were on the right track.
The adoption. We have been called to care for the fatherless. We have no doubt that adoption is our calling and our service to the Lord. We began the process and God saw us through all of the busyness and chaos that ensued. We were ready and waiting.
As we waited, the Lord placed on my heart 3 little kids, one with special needs. I had looked at them a million times and all of a sudden they caught my heart. I realized that adopting them was practically impossible, but I began to pray about why God would bring them to my attention. At the same time, I had been discussing with Kevin about our "parameters" for this next adoption. We both felt that we were supposed to let go of our preconceived ideas and the next conversation we had with the social worker was about stepping outside our comfort zone and being open to a "high risk" adoption. I agreed instantly, knowing that I had been prepared for that question. My next thought was, "what are you going to bring to me Lord?"
My friend was placed with a foster baby with FAS. I loved that baby and found she was available for adoption. My thought: "Is this my daughter?" After praying about it, I really felt she wasn't meant for our family. And it seems she wasn't, but I wondered how God was using this to prepare me. I came to the conclusion that whatever call we got was going to be outside of what we were thinking and that I needed to be prepared. I assumed that meant a larger sibling group with possible older children or maybe a child or two with a special need. I felt that God was definitely stretching me and asking me to trust Him.
We got the call the day after our licence came in the mail. We were asked if we were interested in a 2 week old baby girl who was abandoned by her bio-mom and had a potential bio-dad who would be doing a DNA test. I agreed. I knew that we were going to be called for something I didn't expect and I absolutely completely and totally didn't expect this. In fact this was the last possible scenario I had ever imagined.
She is beautiful. How was it that God thought so highly of me that he would bless me with this beautiful and wonderful gift. The first few sleepless nights were torture, but I was rewarded with her baby-ness. We fell in love with her instantly. I never could wrap my mind around why God would have me serve in this way, but I felt completely blessed. I know God was in this and when I said yes, it was a yes to him, not her. I loved the idea of a baby, but had I had more time (and had not been driving around) I would have said no. I would have said no for so many reasons: I didn't really want a baby, EVERYONE wants a baby - so she should go to a family who wants just one baby, I don't want to do this high of a risk...etc. But, I said yes and I said yes to God.
We found her biological father. He wants her. I had to take her for DNA testing on Wed. and we should know for sure in a week or so, but I saw his picture and it is her father. She looks just like him. He looks like a nice man. I am so sad to lose her. I really wanted her to be my daughter, but I never want to take someone else's child. My goal is to care for orphans and if he is her father (he is) then she isn't an orphan. I am so sad. I was angry with God and I really don't want to do this again. I am pleading with Him that I don't have to. I know that when I said yes to Him, there were no promises, but like my typical self, I saw it as a sign that we were going to get a baby. God never made that promise to me and I believe I have done the work he has asked me to do. I am thankful for the time I have with her and I am thankful that she has a family who wants her. I am not happy about going through this process, but I trust that God has good in it that I may not get to see. When I first talked to Kevin about picking her up, I said, "Either God is in this or He isn't. If He is, then we are doing the right thing. If He isn't, then forget this, let's book a vacation." I trust that God is in this now as much as He was then and if He is, we are doing the right thing. God's grace is enough. He is bringing me to my knees. But, in my weakness He is strong, and I abide in Him.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
What if:
I started writing this the other day, and truthfully, I was too tired for a coherent thought, so I think I deleted it. Here is try number 2. It also maybe incoherent, but I need to write it!
What if: What if God doesn't do what you think He is doing. What if the plan you saw unfolding crumbles and blows away. What if you pack up and move waiting for God's direction only to find you are moving again? What if you blindly follow God's prompting and never go anywhere. What if all you are certain is God's purpose for your life changes in an instant and you find out you were wrong?
These are the questions that have been rolling through my mind lately. My friend and I had been on a mission to pray for orphan care. We followed His every (well many) promptings, listened quietly for His still small voice. We were certain we were seeing His plan unfold and we had so much excitement, we were like giddy school girls. We were wrong. The plan we (or I) was so certain we saw playing out before us was not at all the plan God had in mind. I was left with a feeling of doubt. Was it God who I was hearing? Was it my own longings placed on an impulsive being? or worse: On an imagined being? Thankfully, that is exactly the thoughts I had. WHY THANKFULLY!?! Because, those are NOT my thoughts. Thankfully, those thoughts pointed to exactly the ONE who would want me to think those thoughts. He who sneaks around waiting for an opportunity to plant that small seed of doubt, carefully tending it, watching it grow with sheer delight. Thankfully, because the thoughts were so extreme, I caught them and placed them in front of the proper authority and they were sent away from me. Unfortunately, I did still have those thoughts, but fortunately, they caused me to turn to God's Word. That is when I realized I am thankful for the doubt because it caused me to dig. Dig deeper for what God really wants me to know. He says, "My ways are not your ways" (Isaiah 55:8) His thoughts (thankfully) are not my thoughts either! I am still left with not understanding why God has chosen to work in this way, but I understand now that His ways are not my ways and for whatever reason He has chosen to have this story told this way, it is they way it should be. As I meditate on these things, I remember that I can ask Him. I can ask and say, "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4
Now, What if: What if instead of moving me to the slums of another country, God moves me to another town in a gated community. What if: What if, after being prepared to totally open my options with regards to this next adoption, we are NOT placed with a sibling group of 4 with severe special needs, but only one infant. If I am not suffering miserably, am I not doing His will? That sneaky enemy is at it again, working in my thoughts to cause doubt and misdirection. I am completely willing to do God's will, submitting to Him my own will and desires. In the process, His gifts to me have been exceedingly more than I could ever hope for. Only by being in God's Word would I have the strength to be in the place of His blessings. Taking every thought captive and submitting them to Him. I repeat: "Show me your ways O Lord. Teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior and my hope is in You all day long."
What if: What if God doesn't do what you think He is doing. What if the plan you saw unfolding crumbles and blows away. What if you pack up and move waiting for God's direction only to find you are moving again? What if you blindly follow God's prompting and never go anywhere. What if all you are certain is God's purpose for your life changes in an instant and you find out you were wrong?
These are the questions that have been rolling through my mind lately. My friend and I had been on a mission to pray for orphan care. We followed His every (well many) promptings, listened quietly for His still small voice. We were certain we were seeing His plan unfold and we had so much excitement, we were like giddy school girls. We were wrong. The plan we (or I) was so certain we saw playing out before us was not at all the plan God had in mind. I was left with a feeling of doubt. Was it God who I was hearing? Was it my own longings placed on an impulsive being? or worse: On an imagined being? Thankfully, that is exactly the thoughts I had. WHY THANKFULLY!?! Because, those are NOT my thoughts. Thankfully, those thoughts pointed to exactly the ONE who would want me to think those thoughts. He who sneaks around waiting for an opportunity to plant that small seed of doubt, carefully tending it, watching it grow with sheer delight. Thankfully, because the thoughts were so extreme, I caught them and placed them in front of the proper authority and they were sent away from me. Unfortunately, I did still have those thoughts, but fortunately, they caused me to turn to God's Word. That is when I realized I am thankful for the doubt because it caused me to dig. Dig deeper for what God really wants me to know. He says, "My ways are not your ways" (Isaiah 55:8) His thoughts (thankfully) are not my thoughts either! I am still left with not understanding why God has chosen to work in this way, but I understand now that His ways are not my ways and for whatever reason He has chosen to have this story told this way, it is they way it should be. As I meditate on these things, I remember that I can ask Him. I can ask and say, "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4
Now, What if: What if instead of moving me to the slums of another country, God moves me to another town in a gated community. What if: What if, after being prepared to totally open my options with regards to this next adoption, we are NOT placed with a sibling group of 4 with severe special needs, but only one infant. If I am not suffering miserably, am I not doing His will? That sneaky enemy is at it again, working in my thoughts to cause doubt and misdirection. I am completely willing to do God's will, submitting to Him my own will and desires. In the process, His gifts to me have been exceedingly more than I could ever hope for. Only by being in God's Word would I have the strength to be in the place of His blessings. Taking every thought captive and submitting them to Him. I repeat: "Show me your ways O Lord. Teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior and my hope is in You all day long."
Thursday, July 14, 2011
God Speaks
If I had a biblical name it would be Doubting Tomasita. I doubt and doubt and doubt. Even when I know that I KNOW, you know? I just never have the full confidence that I wish I had, that I pray for. I know God loves me anyway and I bet he has a great sense of humor because when I doubt, He doesn't stop talking to me, He doesn't turn away from me, He gently reminds me. Gently speaks a little more clearly, finally (usually) using something I might say back into my own mind showing me that I do truly hear and understand. CRAZY!
I was praying last night and my heart was completely heavy. For so long a close and very dear friend of mine has had her heart set on a little one far far away. I thought for sure this little thing would be her daughter, but as time has passed, nothing has happened. She was waiting for the Lord to reveal to her husband that they should travel on this journey together. In my impatient mind, I wondered why her husband had yet to get the memo! But, I trusted God and she trusted God and together we just keep praying. I will have to admit that I have been getting a little discouraged since we have been praying for well over a year now and nothing really seems to have changed.
Lately, we have been crazy-busy. The kind that makes my head spin and makes me hard to live with. We are a few days / weeks from a placement of 2 to 4 more kids! That means I will have 6 to 8 kids very very soon. And those 2 to 4 kids are coming with baggage and not the kind that I can put in the closet. There is NO doubt in my mind that they will need every once of lovin' I can give them. Not to mention the 2 that I have now that need every once of love and the biological 2 that will get displaced...again. My family is going to have some growing pains as we fight for these precious little ones!!! I know it is coming so I am getting ready!
Ahhhh, now you see how easily I get distracted! So my prayers for my dearest friend were short and sweet. Not as pleading as they had been. I didn't forget her, but I wasn't pouring out my heart in a way that I had. I felt terrible! How could I let her down, but I believe that it wasn't time...not time for the heart-wrenching, pleading prayers. Although, last night was different. She was placed on my heart in an urgent way. A way that had me before the Lord begging! And God spoke. He asked me to tell my friend, "It is time." Oh no. Me the disbeliever. I can't deliver that message! What if I made that up in my head? What if that was the enemy set out to trick me and through me trick her??? OH NO! I prayed. PLEASE GOD PLEASE confirm to me what you are saying. I confessed my disbelief, I showed my weakness to being tricked. Even when He gave me a glimpse of confirmation in a book I was reading, (It was a short part of the book that seemed out of character for the book that was directly related to the last conversation I had had with my friend.) I still doubted. Because that confirmation didn't seem enough. I struggled. Do I tell her? I prayed more and it seemed that God was telling me that I was only hearing Him CONFIRM something she already knew. He was JUST using me to confirm what HE was telling her...
So, I stepped out in the weakest, lamest, most pathetic faith I could muster up and the conversation started something like this: "OK, so I was praying and I know that I can be easily tricked and I know that the enemy could totally use this, and I know I have such week faith that I might even have just made this up but..." And i think my friend was laughing just a little..."I think God wants me to tell you something, but I think it is just confirming something you already know, so if it isn't, then just ignore it because you know how this could be and I don't want to speak for God..."
I finally spit it out and she laughed. Indeed I was confirming something she already knew. God had been prompting her to get started for about 3 days and she had doubts and she had problems and they were tired. She had prayed that God would show her specifically when it was time to get started! I think it is "time!"
It is beyond me why God would allow me to be part of His plan. I just can't believe that the God of the universe would use me...doubting, unfaithful, insecure, unsure, questioning, and sinful? Why? I can't possible ever understand the answer, but I am so thankful. I knew I needed to write this. God has been giving me so much lately that I want to write down, but this was a treasured piece. I special gift that I just can't risk losing. I need to remember to always think back on the times God speaks. To help me in my times of doubt and faithlessness. To God be the GLORY!
I was praying last night and my heart was completely heavy. For so long a close and very dear friend of mine has had her heart set on a little one far far away. I thought for sure this little thing would be her daughter, but as time has passed, nothing has happened. She was waiting for the Lord to reveal to her husband that they should travel on this journey together. In my impatient mind, I wondered why her husband had yet to get the memo! But, I trusted God and she trusted God and together we just keep praying. I will have to admit that I have been getting a little discouraged since we have been praying for well over a year now and nothing really seems to have changed.
Lately, we have been crazy-busy. The kind that makes my head spin and makes me hard to live with. We are a few days / weeks from a placement of 2 to 4 more kids! That means I will have 6 to 8 kids very very soon. And those 2 to 4 kids are coming with baggage and not the kind that I can put in the closet. There is NO doubt in my mind that they will need every once of lovin' I can give them. Not to mention the 2 that I have now that need every once of love and the biological 2 that will get displaced...again. My family is going to have some growing pains as we fight for these precious little ones!!! I know it is coming so I am getting ready!
Ahhhh, now you see how easily I get distracted! So my prayers for my dearest friend were short and sweet. Not as pleading as they had been. I didn't forget her, but I wasn't pouring out my heart in a way that I had. I felt terrible! How could I let her down, but I believe that it wasn't time...not time for the heart-wrenching, pleading prayers. Although, last night was different. She was placed on my heart in an urgent way. A way that had me before the Lord begging! And God spoke. He asked me to tell my friend, "It is time." Oh no. Me the disbeliever. I can't deliver that message! What if I made that up in my head? What if that was the enemy set out to trick me and through me trick her??? OH NO! I prayed. PLEASE GOD PLEASE confirm to me what you are saying. I confessed my disbelief, I showed my weakness to being tricked. Even when He gave me a glimpse of confirmation in a book I was reading, (It was a short part of the book that seemed out of character for the book that was directly related to the last conversation I had had with my friend.) I still doubted. Because that confirmation didn't seem enough. I struggled. Do I tell her? I prayed more and it seemed that God was telling me that I was only hearing Him CONFIRM something she already knew. He was JUST using me to confirm what HE was telling her...
So, I stepped out in the weakest, lamest, most pathetic faith I could muster up and the conversation started something like this: "OK, so I was praying and I know that I can be easily tricked and I know that the enemy could totally use this, and I know I have such week faith that I might even have just made this up but..." And i think my friend was laughing just a little..."I think God wants me to tell you something, but I think it is just confirming something you already know, so if it isn't, then just ignore it because you know how this could be and I don't want to speak for God..."
I finally spit it out and she laughed. Indeed I was confirming something she already knew. God had been prompting her to get started for about 3 days and she had doubts and she had problems and they were tired. She had prayed that God would show her specifically when it was time to get started! I think it is "time!"
It is beyond me why God would allow me to be part of His plan. I just can't believe that the God of the universe would use me...doubting, unfaithful, insecure, unsure, questioning, and sinful? Why? I can't possible ever understand the answer, but I am so thankful. I knew I needed to write this. God has been giving me so much lately that I want to write down, but this was a treasured piece. I special gift that I just can't risk losing. I need to remember to always think back on the times God speaks. To help me in my times of doubt and faithlessness. To God be the GLORY!
Monday, May 2, 2011
God Speaks.
Laying in bed, I remember a conversation from a month earlier. I can’t remember the details exactly, not a perfect quote, but I can remember the idea, who was speaking, and the inflections in our voices. When I hear God speak to me, it is a lot like I am recalling an earlier conversation. I “hear” in my mind the memory. The voice of God is a lot like mine and yet different in the pattern of speech, in the inflection, and usually in the content.
In church this week, right before communion, I was praying. I was confession to God my weak faith. My concern about money issues was chief on my mind. [I want to preface the rest that I DO NOT believe that the world is “coming to an end” on May 21.] However…as I was praying, God brought this date to my mind. (I believe God uses common things and things we see everyday to help us understand Him.) So, very much like I was recalling a conversation from the past, I hear God say, “If I do choose to end the world on May 21st, will you have enough money?” My response was, “Oh Yes! We have plenty to live on until May 21st.” And believe it or not, my heart felt a little less burdened right then. Then, God sent His convicting message, “So, what you are saying is that you don’t believe that I will provide for you after May 21st.” Which, now to me, seemed ridiculous and I said, “of course I believe you can provide for me after that.” And He reminded me, “of course I will provide for you…” I felt forgiven of the sin of doubt and reassured of God’s provision.
After all of that, my “feelings” were quite convincing that I had an encounter with God, but I don’t think that it is smart to rely on feelings. I think it would be too easy for the enemy of our souls to use our feelings to trick us. That Sunday’s sermon was about stepping out in our faith and living a more exciting and full life through Christ. There would have been NO WAY to predict that the pastor (who is not of the denomination or of the belief in the May 21st “end” date) would bring that up. NO WAY!!! But, as has happened in many instances of God speaking to me, somehow he brought the “conversation” that had happened in my head out through the mouth of the pastor and that is my reassurance that God has spoken. Pastor said (after making sure we understood the bad theology behind that date), “what if the world was ending in 20 days…how would that affect the way you lived your life?”
So, before the sermon started, as I was praying, God spoke to me in a very real, convincing, calming, reassuring, forgiving way and then to reinforce that, He spoke again through the pastor using the same reference and words he had said to me, only about 15 minutes later. And, of course God wouldn’t speak anything in contradiction to His word. God speaks. I know He is speaking and the only reason I don’t hear Him is that I choose not to listen.
I realize how important it was for me to be in church that day. It is so important to hear confirming words when we hear God; and one of the ways we can do that is by attending Church and meeting with other believers. If I had not been in church on Sunday, I would have missed this perfect message from God and spent so much time worrying unnecessarily. I would have missed hearing His voice, and let me tell you, His voice is like a drug…once you have heard from Him, you never want to hear anything else. It reminds me of Hebrews 10:23-25: Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Safety Nets
God is so good to have given me a foreshadowing of what was to come. In hard times, it is easy to fall back on the safety nets from the past. I find myself holding onto things I hadn't even recognized. Things that are being brought to my attention and then taken away one at a time. Obviously, adoption is near to the heart of our Lord. We are adopted into His family through the blood of Jesus. So, why then do I worry that He would lead me on this path only to give up on me now? Why don't I put my trust in Him to be with me through this process? I worry that we will get right up to the end and not be able to follow through. How can I throw down these safety nets that I have been hanging onto? God is showing me. He is taking things away each at its own time and showing me His provision:
Savings account? Going, going, going, going...
Family support? Until the next group of kids come (then, well, that's too many.)
Tax refund? Under consideration...
Husband's job? Waves of business come and go...
What else? What if our "strong government" were to fail. What if all of a sudden my bank account was empty and I no longer owned property. What if I had no idea how to pay my bills next month or where my groceries would come from?
Do I really mean, "Give us this day our daily bread?" Do I really trust God to meet my needs at all time?
When Jesus called some of the disciples, they literally threw down their nets, left everything and followed Him! (Mark 1:18 and Luke 5:11) Can I let go of my "safety nets?"
I am holding on to so many! I worry, who will help me if my family doesn't approve? I will need help once our family grows to 6 or 8 children with the next adoption. I always rely on my family when I really need them, but God said: And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. Matthew 19:29. This is for His sake. This is our true form of worship. We want to honor God by loving the special people He chooses to bless us with. So, I need to remember that God has provided. What I think I need and what I really need are not necessarily the same thing. That there are people provided by Him who will fill the gaps that are left. Everything that is sacrificed in this breath of life will be regained in all of eternity. I will be meditating on these things as I attempt to throw down my "nets" to follow after HIM.
Savings account? Going, going, going, going...
Family support? Until the next group of kids come (then, well, that's too many.)
Tax refund? Under consideration...
Husband's job? Waves of business come and go...
What else? What if our "strong government" were to fail. What if all of a sudden my bank account was empty and I no longer owned property. What if I had no idea how to pay my bills next month or where my groceries would come from?
Do I really mean, "Give us this day our daily bread?" Do I really trust God to meet my needs at all time?
When Jesus called some of the disciples, they literally threw down their nets, left everything and followed Him! (Mark 1:18 and Luke 5:11) Can I let go of my "safety nets?"
I am holding on to so many! I worry, who will help me if my family doesn't approve? I will need help once our family grows to 6 or 8 children with the next adoption. I always rely on my family when I really need them, but God said: And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. Matthew 19:29. This is for His sake. This is our true form of worship. We want to honor God by loving the special people He chooses to bless us with. So, I need to remember that God has provided. What I think I need and what I really need are not necessarily the same thing. That there are people provided by Him who will fill the gaps that are left. Everything that is sacrificed in this breath of life will be regained in all of eternity. I will be meditating on these things as I attempt to throw down my "nets" to follow after HIM.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Dream Interpretation
I believe God revealed the meaning of the dream to me.
For fun, I usually write out my "own" interpretation just to see how far off I am. I will admit, my version sounds pretty good until I learn God's version. Then I just seem silly. This one, is no different.
From me: I believe that I was at the old house because it was what I was used to. The premature baby was the next child I was going to adopt and the fact is that my love will literally bring him or her "back to life." Sounds about right...
From God: The old house represents the "securities" that I have that are NOT in HIM!!! YIKES. In the dream I recognized that because I realized that the tenants were angry about us being there. God showed me that I cling to the things that have given me security and am unwilling to let go of them. He showed me that I am on a difficult path and there will be hard things in my future, as hard as severe illness or birthing a baby. Through all of this I cannot cannot cannot go back. I need to not look back, but know that my love for HIM and HIS love for me with bring to life the life he has for me. To me there is nothing more precious (besides God) than a newborn baby. What He has for me is THAT great! How GREAT is our God???
I am so thankful for this gift. I am so glad that my own interpretation isn't the truth, but that God chooses to speak to me and show me His meaning and will. I love that He loves me enough to show me these things to strengthen my faith.
Romans 1:11 - 12 For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.
For fun, I usually write out my "own" interpretation just to see how far off I am. I will admit, my version sounds pretty good until I learn God's version. Then I just seem silly. This one, is no different.
From me: I believe that I was at the old house because it was what I was used to. The premature baby was the next child I was going to adopt and the fact is that my love will literally bring him or her "back to life." Sounds about right...
From God: The old house represents the "securities" that I have that are NOT in HIM!!! YIKES. In the dream I recognized that because I realized that the tenants were angry about us being there. God showed me that I cling to the things that have given me security and am unwilling to let go of them. He showed me that I am on a difficult path and there will be hard things in my future, as hard as severe illness or birthing a baby. Through all of this I cannot cannot cannot go back. I need to not look back, but know that my love for HIM and HIS love for me with bring to life the life he has for me. To me there is nothing more precious (besides God) than a newborn baby. What He has for me is THAT great! How GREAT is our God???
I am so thankful for this gift. I am so glad that my own interpretation isn't the truth, but that God chooses to speak to me and show me His meaning and will. I love that He loves me enough to show me these things to strengthen my faith.
Romans 1:11 - 12 For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dream
I had a dream that just won't leave me.
God blessed me with wisdom when it comes to other people's dreams. God will usually give me a very clear and accurate meaning if the dream was meant to convey something. Sometimes it is just a dream...I believe, though, when we have dreams that plague us, the dream is there for a reason and God can use it to communicate to us. In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. Acts 2:17
I rarely have dreams that I remember and I rarely can find any special meaning in them, but this one won't leave me. I think I will place it here and pray about any meaning that it might have.
I was at our old house and we left for some reason with the intention of returning. As we were returning, I remembered that we don't live there anymore and when the tenants found out we had been at the house they were angry with us. The scene cut to the store parking lot where I found out I was pregnant. Someone approached me and told me. I thought, during that time, that being pregnant made sense since my tummy had gotten bigger. I was not big enough, though, so I knew I wasn't "due" but I didn't know how far along I was. Right after she told me, I went into pre-term labor and cried because I knew a baby that young would never survive. The baby was born the size of my hand and grey. I delivered right there and "caught" the baby myself. I thought the baby was dead until I was encouraged to bring the baby to my chest and the baby's color began to turn pink and it opened it's eyes. It began nursing hungrily and became stronger in minutes. I believe that is when I woke up.
God blessed me with wisdom when it comes to other people's dreams. God will usually give me a very clear and accurate meaning if the dream was meant to convey something. Sometimes it is just a dream...I believe, though, when we have dreams that plague us, the dream is there for a reason and God can use it to communicate to us. In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. Acts 2:17
I rarely have dreams that I remember and I rarely can find any special meaning in them, but this one won't leave me. I think I will place it here and pray about any meaning that it might have.
I was at our old house and we left for some reason with the intention of returning. As we were returning, I remembered that we don't live there anymore and when the tenants found out we had been at the house they were angry with us. The scene cut to the store parking lot where I found out I was pregnant. Someone approached me and told me. I thought, during that time, that being pregnant made sense since my tummy had gotten bigger. I was not big enough, though, so I knew I wasn't "due" but I didn't know how far along I was. Right after she told me, I went into pre-term labor and cried because I knew a baby that young would never survive. The baby was born the size of my hand and grey. I delivered right there and "caught" the baby myself. I thought the baby was dead until I was encouraged to bring the baby to my chest and the baby's color began to turn pink and it opened it's eyes. It began nursing hungrily and became stronger in minutes. I believe that is when I woke up.
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