Going Forward in His Name

Linny, at A Place Called Simplicity opened up a link for her wonderful Memorial Box Monday posts.  I love these encouraging posts and I love that it reminds me to remember all of the miracles God provides for us on a regular basis!

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that God had been with me through a time of change and He showed Himself clearly.  Well, here is the rest of that story!

Two things were bothering me:  1.  I was concerned about how to educate my special needs daughter at home.  She has a lot to still go through and she had a really rough past, so bringing her home seemed like it would give her the nurture and love that she so needed, but I felt ill-equipped.  God answered that right away with a conference in FL that was specifically structured to her needs.  But (2.) I live 3,000 miles from that conference.  So, Ok Lord, now what?

Here's what:  I very much felt it was the Lord who showed me that conference and I felt that I should go.  This is very contrary to my natural behavior.  I had a nanny who helped us on a regular basis, but she was changing jobs at exactly that time and was completely unavailable.  I felt like going was impossible, but since I thought it was the Lord's leading, I went ahead and purchased the tickets, paid for the hotel, and booked the flight.  Still, no baby sitter for my 5 kids and 4 dogs.  I remembered, though.  God sometimes wants us to go forward even before we know how it will "all work out."  I just trusted that it would.

The time kept getting closer and closer.  I was a little nervous.  Kevin surprised me with an invitation to a late lunch one day and I accepted.  We had been discussing the situation, but neither of us had a solution yet.  As we entered the restaurant, I was praying.  I asked God, "Maybe the waitress needs more hours."  As the prayer entered my head and heart, I thought I must be desperate and felt very silly. I do that sometimes and I think God thinks I am silly.  (I hope so!)  Anyway, if you read the post before, you will remember that our waitress recognized me and I remembered her from when she was younger.  (I didn't know she worked there and I hadn't seen her in about 4ish years.  I knew her when she was a young teen and I knew her family.  I could never have anticipated seeing her there, though! - not even the same town!!!)  We got to chatting and I (of course) asked her if she might be interested in child care.  I couldn't talk to her long because she was busy, but a few days later, she came to our home, met our kids and our dogs and they all loved her!  (of course) and she agreed to stay with them while we went to the conference!  The kids had a great time with her while we were gone and she has now agreed to be our new nanny! 

So, just incase you need a recap:  God provided a conference full of the information I needed RIGHT when I needed it and then He provided help exactly in the silly way I had been praying.  He could have done this in so many ways (in fact, I had almost called this sweet girl's mom that morning, but couldn't get to it.)  I fully believe that He provided in this way so that it is clear that it was HIS doing.

Over and over again in John and many other books of the Bible, Jesus calls us to ask in His name so that the FATHER can be glorified.  John 14:13  "And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son."

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving from Our Home to YOURS!!!

 

Katie and I assembling food to take to my sister's house (Still in my jammies)

Tony and Mari play while we get the food ready

Emilio watches Buddy the Elf (only Christmas movie I allow year-round!)

Anyone else have  someone who just doesn't do well with Holidays?  Holidays are very tough for some adopted and foster kids, loss is real!  This is pretty much how are "Special needs" daughter feels on special occasions.

This little "preemie" has grown up!  His 2nd birthday was the day before Thanksgiving!  One of the things I am most thankful for is that his parents are HEALTHY and that they continue to share him with us!  (Our .5 baby)

Oldest is willing to make numerous trips to my sister's house with the "stuff"
 

Dad and daughter carved the ham (Sis made the turkey)

Sister house.  I cook, she cleaned and set the table.



This China was passed down to me from my grandmother Helen...unbeknownst to us, Kevin's grandmother (Also named Helen) passed her china to us as well.  The crazy part?  SAME PATTERN!  And...I love love love it!  I have never seen anything I like better.  Thankful for those who have gone before!

Sister's kitchen.  Tons of food!



yummy



Mari is so. Stinkin'. cute!

Kids eat first.  Mari and Alondra wait patiently. 

Katie was so much help.  Emilio is ALWAYS this silly

This takes the idea of a "kids" table even lower.  Littlest eat at the coffee table.  My sister starts Christmas very early

"Kids table"  I am not a fan of 2 tables, but my sister loves organization and one big table stretched across her house would freak her out

 

In a Way That We Know it is Him!

I haven't posted in a while.  I have been busy.  But what I really have been doing is forgetting.

Forgetting to let God take control. 
Forgetting that HE knows what I need.
Forgetting to ask and WAIT.

Does God ever crack you up?  I mean seriously.  I asked God, really asked, to see more of Him.  I felt "lonely" for Him.  I have seen Him working lately, and I feel His presence, but I haven't had any personal accounts and I missed it.  God reminded me that it was because I was so busy taking care of my own stuff that I forgot to involve Him.  Let's just say this is not a good plan!

So, I went to God and asked.  Then, I picked up my Bible and remembered to LOOK for Him.  Then, He did it!  Answers started pouring in.  And the last one, that's one to watch.  That one is the one that cracked me up.  But it is last,  I have to list the others first.

First:  We have been praying for a young run-away addict who was living with her dealer.  I had an opportunity to minister to her for a short time and she still made the decision to go.  I was heartbroken and when I lost communication, I believed that the worst had probably happened.  My only hope was that she had made a decision for Christ at one point and I couldn't believe He would ever let her go.  She is just a kid!  I learned that she was in a new home and at church!  YESTERDAY!  God is sooooo good to bring her through that!  God reminded me that I don't get to know what "too far gone" looks like.  There is ALWAYS hope in Him!  Praise the Lord!

Then:  I have a very delayed adopted daughter who is struggling with everything from grief and loss to adjusting.  She also has psychiatric needs that complicate her processing.  She has only been in our home for a year and a half and she is 15.  I decided to change the way we are tackling her school.  I desperately was in search of information and when I finally let go of the late-night crazy pursuit, an email came across my desktop with a conference that looks like it is designed to meet my needs and questions!  God is soooooo Good!  Now, I just have to get there.  But!  I have no doubt that it will happen.

But!  Next and Last:  We have a nanny who the kids love and who would be willing to stay with the kids while I am gone at the conference except that she is changing jobs right at the time the conference is on.  I don't blame her.  She has a college degree and a heart for children.  She will do great things, but, that left me without someone at a time when I really need someone.  So I prayed.  Today.  I asked God to bring to mind someone I am not thinking of, someone that He has for our family.  I went to lunch with my hubby and as we walked into the restaurant, I prayed that if there is a waitress that might want some extra hours please bring her to our attention.  Then, I laughed at myself because I thought I must be desperate to try to recruit just anyone, even the waitress.  I laughed out loud when our waitress looked down at me and said, "Wait, I know you!"  And she did!!!  I had known her and her family since she was young, but I hadn't seen them since she was a teen.  They are wonderful people and I really like this girl.  I brought it up with her right then and there.  And I followed with a phone call.  I cannot guarantee she will say yes, but I know God wanted me to ask!  And to make this part even more funny, I accidentally came across her mom's phone number today while looking for the phone number of a previous babysitter who might be able to help.  Remember, this is someone I haven't talked to in  long time!  How great is it that God would put on my heart to pray for a waitress when there was NO reason I should expect to see someone I know.  Different town, bigger town.  So fun.  I love that God not only answers prayers, but He answers them in a way that we cannot deny it is Him!  Awesome.  Thank you God.

My verse for today is:  Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

When Nurture battles Nature

Every adoption book I have read, indicates that if you want to adopt internationally or interracially, you must must must be prepared to nurture the culture of your adopted child.  I have also heard the ugly term "white washing" referring to Caucasian families who adopt other-than-Caucasian children.  It was a term trumped by opponents of interracial adoptions.

As we were preparing to adopt our first two children, we agreed wholeheartedly that nurturing their culture would be a priority for us.  It still is, but the daily routine wins more often than not.  However, it was the adoption of our daughter that brought this topic from determined decision to a question of concern. 

Because she was so much older when her adoption took place, we felt that immersing her in her "own" culture as often as possible was the best thing we could do.  We were thankful that our church had a Spanish ministry and population.  We tried to find culturally relevant TV, recipes, and activities.  It was after a number of Sundays in the Spanish ministry that I was noticing a pattern of dissatisfaction and disunity with my daughter.  She had become increasingly distant after each Sunday and she was very difficult to get along with.  She would come home after those Sundays and be defiant and quarrelsome.  She would argue with her siblings over very petty matters.  I began watching her and listening carefully to what she was saying.  She would say, "wow, these people really like me here."  And, "They really do care about me."  I realized that she wasn't saying those things because she was feeling God's presence, she was shopping...for a family.  She came to a church and like a good church should, they made her feel the love of Christ.  She mistook that for the love of a family.  She saw many ideal families and was ready to become part of one!  I also started to notice that she was clinging to other things of her culture, not because she loved those things, but that they were the piece of her that was only her.  It was the thing that bound her to her biological siblings and parents and it was the one thing that we cannot completely give her. 

Today, being Cinco De Mayo, we faced this conundrum again.  She was very animated and checked out culturally relevant books at the library, started making grand plans for décor, and started requesting a menu.  I finally looked at her and said, "we are not going to celebrate this year."  I felt like I burst her bubble.  I then followed it up with, "I think you have done a great job connecting with your heritage, but I think it is now time to connect with the part of you that we share."  She is in a very rebellious phase right now, so I am pretty sure that only pushed her deeper in the heritage abyss. 

And now we have reached my question:  When is it OK to pull the plug on the cultural preservation in order to build a family culture?  Is it ever OK to ignore your child's heritage in order to bring a family together in unity?  Our daughter was older when she was adopted (14) and I feel the clock ticking on my opportunities to bond with her.  I am definitely feeling the need to set aside the cultivation of her individual identity to draw her into a culture of family - a concept completely foreign to her.  I don't want to give those people who come up with those ugly terms any ground for their arguments against interracial adoptions, but I want to nurture the one thing that she will count on for the rest of her life, her family.

When to Care

His name is Jonathon.  He is a beautiful little man with the most amazing expression.  He is 6, but he isn't speaking, yet.  I found his picture on one of the websites and I fell in love.  Instantly.  I have yet to figure out why God has placed in my heart this little man, but he is there in every beat.

I talked about him.  Prayed about him.  Tried to inquire about him. 

The excuses flood. 

What if I can't do it all.  I am tired.  We still have J.

What about when he gets older. 

I say:  What I am really worried about is that some day we will die.  He says:  That will happen either way.  We will die.  He will live.  We can care for him in the mean time, if that is what we are supposed to do.

The truth:  What I am really concerned about is that I will care.  I will not be able to care for him one day and I will CARE.  That demonstrates the belief that if I don't look into his adoption, if I don't take him as my OWN child, that I won't care.

But, isn't that the our nature?  We care the most about the people closest to us.  We care about our parents, our siblings, our spouse and our children.  But we can see page after page of orphans, the homeless, the hurting and not really give it much more than a moments notice.  And we are NOT BAD PEOPLE.  We actually do care that people are hurting, but what can we do?  We are easily overwhelmed and easily distracted.  Why focus on those we "can't" help?  Why take time to let one of those people capture our hearts and our attention. 

My truth for today is that Jonathon is mine.  If I am able to bring him home or not, I take responsibility for caring about him.  If God can care about each hair on my head, I can care about one more little person.  This verse reminds me of my value and Jonathon's.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than sparrows.  Matthew 10: 29-31

The Wait

Tickling mud squishes through mesh of my tennies. Hands stained black from the dirt.  The smell of insecticide, herbicide, and mulch hang on every part of me.  I stand back and see and it is good.  I am excited to see the sprouting landscape and I remember that Jesus often used parables that referred to farming - I understand.  There is something magical about creating beauty from nothing or bringing imagination to life.  It has to be carefully planned, prepared, and tended.  Then comes the wait.  It seems like a life time before maturity happens and a wonder is revealed. 

The most amazing part of today was that I had help with the kids and the housework.  My friend came to play with the kids while I worked in the yard.  She made a yummy banana bread and the smell pushed it's way through the door far before it was done cooking.  I peeked in and she kicked me out.  I stuck in the test stick and it came back sticky, mocking my impatience.  Just like the yard, it wasn't done.  It wasn't ready.

God and I have been chatting a lot lately about changes and difficulties I see my kids face.  I give advice, wait, and hope to see change.  But sometimes, there is nothing.  No change.  I go back, give advice, and wait...but still, nothing.  I go to God asking for help.  He asks me to wait.  Recently, I have been crying out to Him.  PLEASE help these changes come about!  And he showed me an example of times that I need to wait.  And, just like He often does with me, after giving me that message, He gives me an example.  Just like I have to wait to see that landscape grow, I need to wait to eat that bread, I also need to wait to see that change.  He didn't promise that the change will come, He didn't promise that things will turn out the way I hope, but He did show me that change takes time.  It might even go through some ugly phases. 

I wouldn't go to my sprouting plant and become angry that it isn't producing fruit or shade, I also shouldn't go to my child and be angry that she isn't mature. I wouldn't yell at that loaf of bread for not being ready, I also shouldn't yell at my child for not being mature.  It would be ridiculous to rip out that seedling and throw it away.  I would lose any possibility of fruit and I would lose the ability to at least have the seed.  It would also be ridiculous to take that dough out of the oven and throw it into the garbage can because it wasn't ready.  I would lose the possibility of baked bread and the ingredients that went into the bread.  So many people are quick to throw other people away.  What loss would you face?  What potential loss? 

If You're Asked to Pray - Please Pray!

This is a blatant plee.  I will not come to you bashfully or manipulatively.  I boldly come in the name of the Lord and ask.  Please pray.  Your involvement in the Kingdom of God is beyond your comprehension.  It is more than you will ever imagine.  As Nike says, "Just Do It!"

Here's a story:

Anxious, hiding, losing myself in fiction - a novel.  Soaking in a tub until 3 in the morning.  Trying to set aside my thoughts and concerns enough to go to bed and sleep.  It wasn't insomnia exactly, but it was a restlessness that needed its own time.  So many pressures, concerns, worries that were not mine to hold.  The late night decision was reached.  There would be no Church in the morning.  Even as the decision was made, my heart knew that it was more urgent than ever to get to God.  Get to Church, worship and turn to Him.  And yet, of course, the enemy had me in his grips and was placating me with ideas of rest and relaxation along with completed chores.

I woke at 7 and promptly returned to sleep.  When I woke again, it was 10.  To be at church on time, we need to leave by 10:15.  I have 5 kids to get ready, car seats to move to the big van and I was just waking up.  It seemed that my decision was made.  I sat on the couch for a few minutes, but I was so restless.  Finally, I said, "Let's go to the other one.  The one that starts at 11:30. We have 45 minutes, do you think we can make it?" 

I got in the car, on time, and was turning the volume off on my phone.  I saw a missed text from a friend who said that I was on her heart this morning and that she was praying for me.  The enemy was defeated with that prayer.  We went to church and worshiped.  The message taught about returning to God as the believers in Acts did.  Waiting, praying, focusing on Him, participating with other believers, expecting Him to show up.  The message was exactly what I needed to hear.  If I spend time worshiping, I have a lot less time to worry about my problems. 

This was not a battle that would have been known by anyone but me, but the battle was real and it was won.  If you are ever urged to pray for someone, please do it.  You, and even they, may never know why but the battle ground is on your knees and that is where the victory is won.  I know there was a great rejoicing in Heaven today as our family joined to worship the ONE who is everything and can make all things work together for our good.

To Join, Not Fix

In all of his 17years of wisdom, Bob Goff decided to leave school and become a mountain climber in Yosemite National Park, according to his book titled Love Does.  His new friend decided to go with him, unquestioned, unchallenged.  He went.  His friend was a lot older and wiser (well, not a lot maybe, but at least some.  He knew enough to know it wasn't the best plan.)  The friend also probably knew enough not to argue with the extreme wisdom of a 17 year old bent on a purpose.  So they went. 

The beginning of the chapter has the words, "I used to want to fix people, but now I just want to be with them."

We research late into the night.  Wondering if she can ever be fixed.  If her specific problems carry a diagnosis.  If medication can help.  We know that her struggles will only ever be understood by her and we may never see progress.  Was it wise to proceed anyway?  Was the adoption of a very broken little girl a good idea?  As the questions about her challenges grow, the questions about her worth bombard us.  So many ask if we shouldn't have taken in someone we could have helped instead of the child that God placed in our family. What if she can never be fixed?

As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life..."  John 9:1-3

The chapter of this fantastic book could be written just for adopting parents.  We do not go into adoption to fix a child, but to come along side, to 'just be with them.'"

God will be our Guard

Basketball

Christmas

Shopping

Finals

Big projects due

Resources stretched too thin - Mine .  God's never fail!

It was probably about 6:15 tonight when we headed back out to "just one more stop" to wrap-up the first day of Christmas shopping.  It was also the first day of "Christmas planning," which is not usually the way I do things.  I.  Have. A. System...and this ain't it!

On my way out the door...literally, my son says, "Can you write me a note to get out of this assignment?"

No.

The argument centered around: when he knew about the assignment, when I knew about the assignment, etc...unfortunately, it was one in which I had to participate.  Unfortunately for him, it was due tomorrow and I was on my way out the door.

The English class read the book Under the Overpass.  It was an amazing and moving book.  The assignment was to do one of the 4 challenges that were listed at the end of the book.  There was really only one available tonight and that was to pick up a bag of take-out, buy something warm to drink and hang out with the homeless.  (It was 8:30 pm before we left the house to start this project.)

My hubby didn't love the idea of us traipsing all over town looking for a homeless person to bless at night in this particular city (well know for the high crime rate) but I assured him that I am friendly with a homeless lady who hangs out at the Walgrreens and we would just go find her.

We picked up some McDonald's and drove past the Walgreens...She wasn't there.  Probably good since she likes sweets, not burgers.  I know another guy I visit with occasionally outside of the grocery store, so we went there next.  Nope.  Gone.  Hmmm.  It was approaching 9 and I was nervous.  We found a group of 3 men, but we weren't comfortable approaching a group at night.  I knew of a couple of other spots, but it is a cold night so hopefully they had all found shelter for the evening. 

At this point, I was ready to call it a day.  It wasn't a good idea to be unsafe (for us or for a person we would approach).  And this is where God knew.  We drove by one more place and we saw a man pushing a cart walking with a security guard.  I told my kids (the 2 oldest went) to jump out, offer the food and then we will go if we were interrupting something.  We found that the security guard was just escorting the man because the police harass him.  We were able to talk to him for a long time about how he became homeless, about how he eats, sleeps, and gets money.  He was very kind and had a tragic history.  The security guard was a nice person too and we all had a nice talk.  We were blessed to know him and his name is Jerry.  We plan to go back and meet him again, maybe bring him a sandwich next time.

I am so in love with the God I serve.  I fully and totally believe we were supposed to be right where we were tonight.  In all honesty, we wouldn't have had to "do" this assignment.  We have had many opportunities to interact with the homeless and he could have written the assignment based on one of those experiences.  Thankfully, we took the opportunity so that we were allowed a blessing.  The only "worry" was that it might not be super safe to approach a homeless person at night, but how about if God provides a security guard for an escort!!!  Just a thought, though.  We had to FIRST agree to take the risk.  Before we knew that we would be completely safe, we had to commit by getting in the car, and commit by purchasing food THEN God revealed HIS part of the provision.  (I need to remember that!)

There is nothing God won't do.  No problem is too big if we step out in faith and follow His example.  I know we were safe without the guard.  But, isn't it just like God to provide that person for us to give us a physical example of HIS protection!  It is the relation with Jesus that protects, not the location of your body.

Isaiah 52:12b "...For the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard."

Who Deserves the Son?

Grocery bags spill to the ground as I grab one too many on my way into the house.  The wind is freezing and I shiver and try to get the key into the lock and hair whips into my eyes.  The first load is in.  This chore has to be done more often.  More mouths eat more food more quickly.  I return for the final load, shivering in my thin t-shirt.  As I open the car door again, I feel warmth, almost heat.  Warm enough that I stop and look up, realizing that the intensity of the sun's rays are being reflected, magnified, and focused by my son's window.  It was captivating.  I stood there for a full minute, eyes closed, face raised.  The walkers at the park must of though I was crazy or at least lost.  Could they think I was praying?  

They would be right.  I delighted in Him.  Stopping at that moment to give praise to the Son who meets all my needs. The Son who brought me God's love.  And I asked.  Do I reflect, magnify, and focus God's love to someone who is shivering in the wind with groceries rolling down to the gutter and wind whipping hair into eyes?  Do I reflect the love God has shown me with his Son to the person who couldn't buy warm shoes or a coat?  Do I magnify the love given to me so that when people come in contact with me, they pause and feel warm?  Do I focus God's love by sharing about the God who loved me first?

I can say yes, to some.  But!  What about those who I believe are a lost cause.  What about those who don't "deserve" a "hand-out."  What about those who are ungrateful, and very self-centered.  What if I know that no matter what I do, the outcome will still be the same.  What if that person has repeated the same behavior and I know I will only become part of their mess if I step in?  Does God want me to waste my time? 

That ray of light.  It would have been there if I didn't notice it.  It would have warmed the sidewalk or the door of the car.  It would shine even without any obvious benefit   This is something I struggle to understand.  Why?  Why waste energy on something that has no clear outcome?  I have not found an answer to this in an earthly sense, but I have run across a verse after praying. I shared the verse and my husband "ended up" on the same verse after also praying.  As God so often does, He placed His word in our hearts so that we would know His heart and then confirmed it.  Being obedient to God is the benefit.  Our heart's desire to say, "yes" is all that we really need.  If there is an earthly blessing, it is only because we honored Him, reflecting, magnifying, and focusing His love in a world that is cold and frustrating.  What would we gain if we do what is right because we can see a need that we have the ability to meet?  How much better is it to look to God for the purpose and the outcome, even if we can't see a change right away or even ever? Knowing that we can use it to build our faith and that we are not acting in our own power and authority but trusting Him with every action we take and every result that follows.  It is easy to say yes when we know we can help, it is hard to say yes when we know we can't.  It is then, that we enter in anyway and trust Him for the reward, for the outcome and for the purpose.  Only then, can we really say that the task was from Him and only to Him is the Glory given.

Luke 14:12 -14  Then Jesus said to His host, "When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid.  But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed.  Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous."

This is the Stuff

In my exhaustion, I have accumulated.  The piles abound in my home, the work beckons.  "Sort, store, pass, keep."  It is all consuming.  In such a short time, the house is over-run with excess.  How did we get to this?

I am reminded of Ecclesiastes.  One of my most and least favorite books God has written.  It can comfort me when I am overwhelmed, but depress me when I am chasing after a plan.  

Chaos brings more chaos and stuff means more stuff.  A new dress for the teens means new shoes that match.  A new season means long pants.  Do we have Oregano in the cabinet?  It isn't organized and I can't find it.  Sorting, organizing, making systems.  SIMPLIFYING!  

This is a season of chaos and loss.  Recently gone:  Sunglasses, $20, a book...

Still, I praise Him.  The one who knows what the loss means.  Is it a blessing that the book is gone? Now I can spend more time in His Word?  Was the $20 found by someone who needed it more?  I will never know.  I may never know what He has planned for me through this.  The lesson could be as simple as "simplify."  

Consider what God has done:  Who can straighten what He has mad crooked?  When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this:  God has made the one as well as the other.  Therefore, no one can discover anything about their future.  Ecclesiastes 7:13 - 14

Francesca Battistelli said it best, "This is the stuff that drives me crazy!...but I've gotta trust You know exactly what your doin'..."

A City Which I Did Not Build

Mounting frustrations pile up like the laundry on my bed.  When all I want to do is crawl back under the covers, I realize one more person needs something from me.  Right.  Now.

 Another coffee cup half full?  The Raisin Bran stuck to the side of the bowl.  The clean laundry dumped over onto the dog's bed.  Is that the cheese sitting on the counter?

"Isn't this what you wanted.  A big family means a lot of work."  "At least you have a lot of helpers with all those big kids."

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!  I want to ask Paul, "How!?!  How have you learned peace in every circumstance!"  But, I know.  I know that the peace I am looking for is right there.  In the middle of a thoughtless comment (or 4), in the middle of scraping food from a plate, even in the middle of rewashing a load of laundry, again.  The peace comes from removing my selfishness and bringing in Him.  Only remembering His frustrations and sacrifice, can I stop feeling sorry for myself.

I did want a large family and I knew that there was a lot of work involved.  I even knew that that I would have additional challenges because of the way God gave me my family.

When I stop to recognize what is really happening, I see that I feel like I am "being taken advantage of..." or "They should be old enough to help out..."  But, what I am really saying is that I should have it easy even when Jesus said to expect people to treat us poorly.  He said to "turn the other cheek."  He gave us the perfect example on the cross as they were beating Him, He asked for their forgiveness.  Why?  Because He knew.  He knew that what they needed was His GRACE.  His mercy and His understanding.  He knew that He would suffer so that we could live.

By comparison, my complaints are petty.  It is in my weakness and sin that I focus on what ISN'T happening instead of what IS happening.  Prayerfully, I bring my problems to the Lord.  He shows me His goodness by showing me where I can make a correction.  He shared the verses from Luke about loving your enemies, blessing those who curse you.  He did it like He often does:  Through a friend.  He showed me that true healing is happening because I have half-full coffee cups, Raisin Bran stuck to the bowl, and cheese on the counter.  In my mess, He is creating beauty.

And then, today at church it was clear.  Where my sin truly lies.  I can only be taken advantage of if I have something to take.  If my resources feel stretched too thin, it is only because I am only trusting in my own resources.  Surely, I have learned by now that where my resources end, God's are only just beginning!  I had to confess my sin when God brought these verses to me, reminding me that I have earned NOTHING.  Everything I have is from the Lord.

Joshua 24:13  So I gave you a land on which you did not toil; and cities you did not build; and you live in them and eat from vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant.

Help me remember.  I live in a house I did not build, in a land I did not create.  I eat food that I did not grow and care for children I did not bear.  I have no right to ask for more and yet everyday there is a new blessing that comes along with the struggles.  I know there is nothing I can really give, yet I have been given so much. Let me be Thankful.

Remember

I was 19 and working for minimum wage.  Some would call it living pay-check-to-pay-check, but I had never heard that term before.  I just knew that I had enough to pay my bills and meet my basic needs, so I was happy...until.

At 19, "until" wasn't something I knew anything about.  I wasn't prepared for sick days, or insurance rate increases.  I didn't understand that utility bills fluctuated and you actually had to BUY salt.  I was feeling so grown up...until.

My "until" wasn't something that was catastrophic.  It was the small expenses of everyday living that creeped in and stole every last penny I had.  I know, because I knew every penny I had.  I never misplaced money, left it in the car or in the cushions of the couch.  So, when I was out of money, I was completely out of money.

I remember that I was about a week away from my next pay check.  Bills needed to be paid, I had very little gas and I had even less in the refrigerator.  I was too far away to afford to go home to my mom's house to eat every night, so I had to make a plan.  I collected every recyclable I could find in the area and I recycled. I earned about $60 and that got me through until pay day.

It would be great to say that was the end of my money worries, but unfortunately, that was just part of a very long road to understanding finances.

Now, years later, we were talking with friends as they were getting ready to move from the shelter into a rental.  They had nothing and we were able to help with a few things and we were able to find others who were also in a position to help.  They were speechless, constantly saying that they would "remember us" when they got back on their feet and they would "pay us back" when they had the money.

I told them my story.  Reminding them that no matter where we are in life, whether it is in a place of very little or a place of abundance, it isn't permanent.  Only God provides and from His provisions we share.  God said to us, "If you have two coats, give one away," he said.  "Do the same with your food."  Luke 3:11

And remembering my own story helps my heart be ready for their story.  God designed it that way.  Through my journey, I can encourage.  Through my fear and His faithfulness, I can show His goodness.  Through His provision, I can share His glory.

Deuteronomy 24:17 -  22 says:  Do not deprive the foreigner of fatherless of justice, or take the cloak of a widow as a pledge.  REMEMBER that you were slaves in Egypt and the Lord your God redeemed you from there.  That is why I command you to do this.    When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back and get it.  Leave it for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands.  When you beat the olives from your trees, do not go over the branches a second time.  Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow.  When you harvest the grapes in your vineyard   Do not go over the vines again.  Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow.  REMEMBER that you were slaves in Egypt.  That is why I command you to do this.

(Emphasis mine...also, when God chooses to repeat something, I don't think it is an accident.  I remember...that is why God is commanding me to do this.)

In Every Little Thing

Me - "Yeah, I am planning to go."
The next day, I got an email that read:  Ok, Sandi will be there and she will be in charge.  Remind her about the calendars in case she forgets.

Hmmm.  That wasn't exactly what I meant when I said I would "be there." I was just going to show up.

That was Wednesday.  The day my 13 year old, special needs, foster daughter decided to scream at me about the babysitter I had hired.  Spewing ugly, hateful words.  Which, unfortunately, since that babysitter hadn't been available, I got to listen to for 2 hours while going to pick up the foster baby from his parent visit.  Needless to say, I didn't remember the calendars, showed up about an hour and a half late and did everything in my power to keep from crying through the whole evening.

Today
I stayed up until 3 am last night trying to find a solution to the aggressive anger my foster daughter is displaying.  (Actually, was done by 2 but then the foster baby woke for his bottle)  Up at 6 for my oldest son to get to his Monday morning bible study.  3 hours of sleep was not enough.  At 9 my sister showed up.  All the kids at home were still asleep and I was still hoping for a short nap if the baby would go to sleep.  She offered to stay and let me sleep.  That sleep put me late for the psychiatrist appointment we had today at 1.

In the apparent chaos that is my life, I am getting a very clear picture of the Lord at work.  I never understood how He was in every little thing.  I know He is in the things that "happen," but what about when things don't happen?  It's Him.  He is there in the lack of action too!  These two days were perfect examples of it.

Wednesday, I felt very frustrated about being the one left in charge for 2 reasons.  First, I had prayed for a very long time and felt it was not my duty to promote Orphan Care at the church right now.  I am supposed to do many things to make it happen as it is written in His Word, but this particular part is not what I am called to do.  Also, I had said many times that I am not able to commit right now to "run" anything due to our family dynamics.  We still need more time to adjust before I can commit.  (Maybe why I am not called to promote anything right now?)  The fact that the melt down happened that day in such a fierce way actually worked in my favor to show that I truly can't commit to running things and also physically kept me from doing what God had showed me not to do.  Since I arrived late, I was able to get emotional support from both a close friend and our pastor.

Then today, although I should have been more responsible to be there on time, because I wasn't, I was also blessed tremendously.  In fact, as I was on my way, I prayed that God would work a miracle to get me there on time.  I remembered the blog post I wrote about how HE can literally do anything and this time I DIDN'T doubt! AT! ALL!  Once I was late and realized that God was not going to bring me to the office on time, I called to tell them I was late, but as I dialed the phone, a peace came over me and I knew it was for the best.  I almost wanted to say, "I know I am late, but it is going to be better because there is something that is going to work out better than if I were there on time..."  Of course I didn't say that, I just groveled.  They said that their 2 O'Clock just cancelled and I thought "Of course" and then the therapist suggested we have a "quick check in" since we have a little extra time now.  "Of course."  So, after an incredibly difficult week with my foster daughter, we not only got to have the psychiatrist appointment, but we also got extra time with her therapist!  It just so happens that the person coordinating all of the services also was free during that time to check in as well.  I don't think I would have been surprised if Santa rode in on a unicorn!  It was that unreal and yet that completely real at the same time.

And...I don't want to forget that just when I thought I would throw up from lack of sleep, with the possibility of sleep quickly slipping away and the fear of a long drive on no sleep, my sister "stops by" and sends me back to bed.  That would have been enough for a memorial box Monday!

Only in my weakness and failure can God do such big things.  I am not purposely trying to mess up to see God rescue me, but when I have given my all, cried and ached and grew weary, God rescued me.  Out of my mistakes and into His embrace, out of my chaos and into His comfort.  Only through Him.

God's Trade. Memorial Box Monday

On the list of things to pray about, it was at the bottom.  I am not sure there was any wisdom in this, it just fell to the "automatic" side of my brain.

We bought the house, it needed fixed, it was part of the job.  It is a job, just like the jobs of many other people in the country.  The only difference is that I don't have anyone standing over me with a work order or a time sheet.  It is up to me to get it done and up to me to decide when to do it.  The problem is that the longer it takes to get done, the more money I lose.

BEFORE

The top of my prayer list:
  Foster daughter (soon to be adopted daughter) with behavior problems, anxiety, school issues.
  Foster baby's family getting ready for their baby's return (the joy and pain involved with that)
  Preparation for our newest (adult) child to move into our home
  the constant stream of social workers and counselors and therapists through my often messy home
  Preparation for Homeschooling 3 this year

I know that there are people who wake up every day and put every thought, need, and circumstance before the Lord. I wish I could say I was one of those people.  I do pray - like crazy.  But, mostly, I pray for the most pressing things and forget to ask for help with the little things.  I know I talked to God about this particular job, but I hadn't specifically asked for help or even given the job much thought other than, "I can't see any possible way to do this."  (Which would make you think it was pressing, but the other things in life were so much bigger, this was barely a twinkle on the radar screen.)  I said to Kev, "There is absolutely nothing in my life right now that I can handle without prayer.  Nothing that I can do on my own."

Now, if you will be very patient, this story is best told unabridged.  Every part necessary.

First:  Man calls:  Will we please sell him the house for a 20K return.  We say no because it is in a good location, we like the house and think it will be a good investment.  The 20K would be nice, but also necessary to get into another similiar house and then we would have to go through the trouble of finding another and we would lose the time we had now for "fixing" the new house putting us that much more "out" for our date of completion.  (We have a very low price point.)\

Next:  Man asks again.  Again, we say no.



Then:  Man stops at house while work is going on to suggest a trade.  He has sentimental attachment to the house.  He is buying a house around the corner that is in much much much better shape and would like to trade the two houses "as-is."  We are certain there is a catch.  This is a much better deal for us than for him and we tell him that.  We tell him about all the things that need to be fixed, we tell him about what we have done, but what needs to be completed.  He still wants to trade.

AFTER (The trade)

So:  After we see that everything checks out, we agree.  We sign papers in the morning agreeing to the trade.  We continue to try to do the jobs God puts in front of us.  This wasn't a "church" job, this wasn't a ministry.  This isn't going to be used as a retreat of a place for conferences.  This is just our work. Our every-day job. There is absolutely no logical reason this person should trade homes with us.  They are literally identical in every way, except one needs thousands of dollars and hundreds of man hours worth of work and the other needs almost nothing.  It is incredible to think God would get involved.  That He would provide in an area that was just our "every day" living.  Even when I wasn't faithful in seeking Him to solve the problem of time, He saw the problem and solved it in a very real way.  My parents are flabbergasted.  They continued to work on the house even though we knew that God had done this.  They said they would "believe it when they saw it."  They haven't ever noticed God work in this way before.  I kept telling them that they were wasting their time.  I kept telling them that this is what God has shown us over and over.  Tomorrow.  It will be done tomorrow and maybe then they will see what the Lord can do!

The Lord has done this and it is marvelous in our eyes  Psalm 118:23

He Gives Me a Peek So That I Will Know

It has happened before.  Just a glimpse, not a prediction, a premonition, or a Deja Vu.  Some tiny bit of information that the Lord will place in my mind for use at a later date to confirm His will.

It happened again.  I am just so dissapointed that I didn't write it down.  As it has been before, it started with a dream.The dream happened in the fall the year we moved into this house.  (2 years ago.)    It disturbed (not in a bad way) me and then stuck with me.  Those are both typical ways the Lord shows me that it was from Him.  Sometimes a dream is just a dream, but for me, the Lord uses dreams to speak to me.  It is awesome!  Why He would lower Himself to make sure I understand something is so far beyond what I can comprehend.  He shows me once more that He will guide me if I will follow.

I dreamed that we had moved into our current house with the intention of adopting a bunch of kids.  (So far that was accurate.)  During the dream, we came across a homeless family and had them move in.  They had been living under a road at the rail road tracks near our house.  They had a home to go to, but they chose not to for some reason that I never knew.  That was about it.  There were a few things that disturbed me.  1.  I knew that if we moved into this house and took in a homeless family, we would not be able to pursue adoption.  2.  The road they had been sleeping under didn't have an "under,"  it was just a road in real life.  My dream made it look like they were under the road, but I had to rationalize that I must have thought they were in a deep ditch or in a culvert.

When the dream stuck around my head for a while, I prayed.  Asking God if he wanted me to change my plans for adoption.  I told Him, "Lord, this is Your house.  All I have is Yours, so if you want me to do something different, I will be happy to serve!"  And, I meant it!  I realized for the first time, that adoption might have been my plan and not His!  So.  I fasted and prayed and prayed some more.  Finally , we were all settled into the house and I had to recognize that we were all still feeling a tug at our hearts for adoption.  God had not taken that burden from us.  Of course, I came to the natural conclusion that the dream must have just been a dream.  Nothing special.  It still bugged me and during every step of the adoption process, I asked God repeatedly if we are on the right path and felt like we were.

Two years go by.  The dream was long forgotten.  Construction grants are given and road work on every passable road near my home begins.  The exciting part is that a very busy road near my home is getting an underpass right at a Rail Road crossing.  Just.  Exactly.  Where.  The.  Dream.  Showed.   The dream was remembered with fondness, but nothing more since I have had prayers answered specifically over and over again about adoption and foster care.  But, I couldn't help seeing that the road work is occurring 

In walks our precious princess.  She came to help me, but she needed us more.  She needed a home.   She has a home to go to.  A great home with great people, but she needed us.  She needs so much healing to happen in her life and God has sent her to us to be part of it.  She comes in and we say "Stay."  She stays and we say, "be a daughter."  She will be moving in...right about the time when that underpass is completed.

Did the dream "predict the future?"  NO.  WAY!  It was just a tool God used to show me that there would be a time when he would want our family and our home for something other than a traditional adoption.  Something that would still serve Him...even though she had another place to go.  I strongly believe that the image of the underpass was simply to show me that it was His Time.  His Perfect Will and I get to be a part of it.  He showed me so that I wouldn't miss it because He knew.  He KNEW!  I would miss it, I would doubt, I would second guess, I would question.  HE KNEW because He MADE me.  Why?  Why would he treat me with kindness when I am so full of doubt and skepticism.  Why?  Because He already knew and He already forgave it.


For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.  In love, He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.  Ephesians 1:4-6

Care for the Fatherless

In need, but capable.  Lonely, but enveloped. Lost, but searching.  Her needs are deep.  She is able.  Or so I thought.

The assumption was that a person at her age shouldn't need anymore help, shouldn't need parenting, shouldn't need the comfort of a close-knit family.  But she does.  She should be self-reliant, but does that mean she shouldn't be carried?

At what age is a family no longer needed?  We decided that we would say Yes to God.  Whatever He decided we could do to participate in His amazing plan, we would do.  We knew our thoughts, we knew our plans, and then she came over and never left.  As usual, God had something else.  We promised that we would say yes to whatever child God brought to us.  It took some reminding that this was actually a child, a child of HIM.

Our sweet young adult "daughter" has joined our family.  I was so confused as I felt God placing her in our lives.  How would this effect the dynamics of the house, we are already adjusting to a special needs daughter and an infant.  How will we possibly give to one more person.  God says, from what He has given, we can give.  Only through Him will anything happen.  My next argument was that we thought we were supposed to care for the orphans and God reminded me to care for the fatherless.  I thought we were supposed to reach the un-reached and God reminded me to care for His people too. So, we knew, she would become our daughter in the most completely unconventional way.

As is His way with me, He spoke first through His word, (Basically, all of 1 Peter) and then through a friend. When I began doubting again, I was reassured through another friend who talked to my hubby and had no way to know of my concerns.  I am so thankful for his continued presence in my life, His continued provision of wisdom.  I know this won't be an easy road, but it is His road and I am truly excited to be on it.

1 Peter 4:8 - 9  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.

If No Were an Option

Opening my heart, opening my home, opening my life.  Sharing with someone, who promises nothing, everything.  Knowing pain is the only possible outcome and saying "yes" anyway.

She is addicted and pregnant.  He is addicted and scared.  They know they should stop, but they can't.  The hold the drugs and alcohol have on them is too strong.  IF they get help, there could be criminal charges, court dates, and child protective services.

When we got that call.  The call that changed everything, again.  We knew taking in this little guy could be a mission God would use us for.  All of the excuses:  It's too hard, I get too attached, how could I give him back...won't work this time, God is asking, I am responding.

I respond to the sweet baby love that he gives, but I respond to the broken pain that his parents have.  My heart breaks and I pray.  Then I ask others to join me.  God works.  In this situation, the parents are healing, learning, and preparing.  They will one day be the family God intended.

What if I said "no."  I don't know and can never know if they would still be as able to get this far in the program if I wasn't praying, but maybe they would, but maybe they wouldn't.  What if they didn't.  What if they lost their baby to the social system and returned to the life they had been living.

Then, what if I went before the Lord to give an account of my life and God said to me, "What happened here?  Why didn't you take care of my people?  Why didn't you help them like I wanted you?"

What would I say to that?  What answer could I give?  Could I say, "It's too hard?  Or I get too attached?"

I must, I am compelled, and now I am blessed because the Lord has allowed me to part of this healing process.  I was rewarded with a new family.  I may not get to adopt a baby, but I do get a sister and brother in the Lord.  I will not look the other way and pretend nothing is happening when there is something I can do.
Proverbs 24:11 - 12

rescue those being led away to death;

    hold back those staggering toward slaughter.

If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,”

    does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?

Does not he who guards your life know it?

    Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?

Have an Answer

A common question when someone talks about adopting internationally is, "why go so far when there are so many needy kids here at home."

During a recent conversation, that question came up.  Not as it applied to me, but the general information was needed.  I knew the answer.  I knew the economic answer, the religious answer, the politically correct answer. I knew them all and was able to talk all about the subject without really stopping to think.  It was automatic.  That is a sure sign that giving this piece of information is not new.  I was able to categorize each question and answer in order to help aid in understanding.  (I can discuss the pro's and con's in another note.)

After this conversation, though, I realized that, in this instance, I had a ready answer.   I knew.  I didn't have to search my brain.  It was right there.  I realized that God has asked us to always be ready to give an answer when asked about our faith in Jesus.  I always thought that I had a pretty good answer, but now that I have the adoption questions to compare it to, I feel like I am not truly doing as God has asked.  Knowing the answer for my faith will take a lot more work and a humble heart ready to be taught.  I realize now that having an answer means that I am able to recall the information easily as I did before.  I also realize that to be able to recall the information, I need to have "put it in" by reading His word.

1 Peter 3:15

New International Version (NIV)

 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

Afraid to Love

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close

To what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart 

And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me 

Is where all start

All of Me by Matt Hammitt

God speaks to me through songs sometimes.  I have dedicated this particular song to our foster baby.  I knew God placed him in our arms and I know God will be with him as he goes through his life, even when I am not there, but that doesn't make it easier. 

I have been asked, "Don't you get attached?"  The answer is, "YES!!!"  I attach to an idea, even before there is a person involved.  I have yet to meet a foster parent who doesn't, but the work needs to be done.  So, when I feel the sadness and loss, I remember the lyrics to this song, knowing that I won't hold back.  Even though there is pain in the offering, I will offer generously because he is worth all of me.  He is God's child.

This precious child will go back to live with his parents and we will miss him.  I know it will be hard, and yet I also know it is to God's glory!  I talk to God a lot about this.  Through it all, God reminds me that my mistake is thinking that any of "my" kids belong to me.  They are His.  They belong to Him.  I am allowed the privileged of loving them for a time and the responsibility of teaching them about Him, but ultimately, they are His first and only.  He has given me the gift of time, more with some, and less with others.  He reminds me that this isn't new.  

He allows me to complain and tell him, "I can't do it!" while He whispers, "I know. I can."  He has brought people along side of me when I fail like He did with Moses and Aaron.  He shows me that even though a parent may have not been perfect, he can create beauty from the family like He did in Samuel's life with Eli.  I am reminded that I truly have to completely surrender all to gain all that is made perfect in Him.  They are His and in Him they are safe, no matter what the world may look like, they can be confident that He cares more than anyone about them.  I give them to Him.  It is only through complete surrender, that I can know the true face of God.